Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It’s time for our semi-monthly ROH pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Joe Koff, Greg Gilleland or The Man With The Lizard Face. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Anbesol Cold Sore Therapy. The only one with Vitamin E and aloe. Anbesol Cold Sore Therapy: Put it on, the pain is gone. And remember, four Whammys will bring tears to your eyes, and put you out of the game. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over ROH, unless a better one-liner comes along.
Before we look at tonight’s show, let’s roll right into this month’s Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on March 12, 1998, World Championship Wrestling aired a live episode of WCW Thunder from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. The episode kicks off with the late Brad Armstrong taking on Raven. Pretty cool, huh? Tony Schiavone, Lee Marshall & Bobby Heenan had the call.
And, as your free gift for viewing this column, let’s take you back to March 14, 2008 for Ring of Honor in Dover, New Jersey, where ROH was taping footage for the movie “The Wrestler”. On the undercard of Randy The Ram vs. Ayatollah Bob, we saw Roderick Strong battle “Top Of The Class” Pelle Primeau. Lenny Leonard and Dave Prazak had the call.
More recently, here’s what the Women of Honor have been up to. On February 10th at the ROH television tapings in Atlanta, Georgia, we saw first round action in the Women Of Honor tournament. It was Stacy Shadows against Tenille Dashwood. Ian Riccaboni, Deonna Purrazzo & Colt Cabana have the call.
If you’re new to Ring of Honor, just remember that the Bullet Club are the good guys here, and you’ll be fine. On with the projections!
Brandi Rhodes vs. Tenille Dashwood (Women Of Honor Quarterfinals): The wrestlers say “Brandi, she’s a fine girl. (She’s a fine girl!) What a good wife she would be (Such a fine girl!)”. Projection? But Dashwood grabs the Tenille Lock for the victory. (Doo doo, doo-DOO-doo-doo, doo doo, doo-DOO-doo-doo!)
Sumie Sakai vs. Hana Kimura (Women Of Honor Quarterfinals): I know very little about Japanese women’s wrestling, but I know who to take in this contest. Projection? Sakai advances after a diving splash.
Kenny King vs. Silas Young (ROH Television Title):It’s another rematch from Atlanta, but it’s a good one, as the King and The Real Man have built up a heated rivalry. Projection? I know K Double just won it back, but this feud should continue. Young regains the championship after hitting Misery.
Flip Gordon vs. Hiromu Takahashi: This is a rematch from Honor Rising, and it comes just six days after Gordon tried to bury Bury The Bullet Club Bear. Projection? Commissioner Gordon gets the duke with the Star-Spangled Stunner.
Punishment Martinez vs. Marty Scurll: I know, Punishment Martinez is a big guy, and he’s improving, and I’m supposed to care, but this is Marty F’n Scurll we’re talking about here. Projection? Fingers get broken and Scurll wins with the Bird of Prey. Score another one for The Villain.
American Nightmare Cody vs. Matt Taven: The Rivalry For The Ring has captivated wrestling fans young and old. Okay, not really, but Cody needed an opponent for this show, and Taven is certainly good effort for this spot. Projection? Lots of violence ending with Cody hitting Cross Runnels for the win.
The Hung Bucks vs. So Cal Uncensored (ROH World Six Man Tag Team Titles): We’ve already had The Addiction & Scorpio Sky nearly screw the Bullet Club out of the straps, only to be shock-blocked by Bully Ray. We missed out on the original plans for Manhattan Mayhem, so this rematch is already overdue. Projection? A wild brawl with all sorts of outside interference , ending with Daniels hitting the Angel’s Wings on Adam Page. So Cal Uncensored shocks the world, and the titles change hands.
Motor City Machine Guns vs. Jay Briscoe & Mark Briscoe (ROH World Tag Team Titles): The Detroit duo are popular, and they had an emotional moment when they finally picked up the Ring of Honor belts, but these titles are hot potatoes. Projection? Jay drops Sabin with the Jay Driller, and Dem Bad Boys pick up the tag team titles for a ninth time.
Dalton Castle vs. Jay Lethal (ROH World Title): The Party Peacock had his big moment at Final Battle. But can you truly be an ROH World Champion without beating Jay Lethal? (Spoiler: Yes, you can) Projection? Somebody’s going to get bang-a-ranged, and Jay Lethal is that someobody. At least one champion retains tonight in Las Vegas.
Aftermath: Supercard of Honor at the UNO Lakefront Arena in front of a record crowd, with Cody vs. Kenny, Dalton Castle vs. Marty Scurll, and lots more adventure and other wild things. Be there!
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He’d take Virginia and Duke in tonight’s big college basketball games. You know, if gambling were legal.