SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it’s time for our exclusive WWE Network/pseudo pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul “NXT Fanservice” Levesque, Runjin Singh, Big Ed Koskey and WWE Chairman “Busted Open” Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Closed captioning provided by Nestlé Crunch, a unique combination of smooth Nestlé chocolate and crisped rice. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe is supplied by Botany 500. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, which is already happening in the DC Comics “Metal” crossover as part of the Dark Multiverse.
On Friday, WWE added Kurt Angle to the TLC show, and also added “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles. The shock value of those moves may keep everyone from noticing the (alleged) outbreak of viral meningitis on the WWE Raw brand. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here, but the CDC website tells us viral meningitis is spread by “close contact” with an infected individual. But it’s not like members of the Raw roster come into close contact with each other four times a week…Oh, crap.
Yes, there is the distinct possibility this card will be changed again. Some more.
Before we preview Sunday’s show, let’s get to this month’s edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on October 20, 1997, the World Wrestling Federation taped WWF Shotgun Saturday Night in Oklahoma City. The opening match featured The New Blackjacks of Barry Windham & John Bradshaw Layfield against Henry & Phineas Goddwin. Jim Ross and James E. Cornette had the call. (If you like, stick around to see Goldust in the main event.)
What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I’m glad you asked! On October 21th, 2002, World Wrestling Entertainment taped an episode of “WWE Heat” in Nashville, Tennessee. In the main event, we saw future Hall of Famer Jacqueline Moore against Torch favorite Molly Holly. Jonathan Coachman & Hall of Famer Amy “Lita” Dumas had the call. (Good luck finding this on WWE Network. Or…anywhere else.)
WWE Main Event is Greg Parks’ favorite show, and we thought we’d share it with you. From this week’s episode (taped in Portland), it’s a rematch from two weeks ago between former ECW Champion Rhyno and and former NXT Tag Team Champion Dash Wilder. Vic Joseph & Nigel McGuinness have the call.
Michael Cole, Booker T & Corey Graves will be announcing the show. Renee Young, David Otunga, Jerry Lawler & Some Guy With A Wrestling Podcast will be doing the preshow (I hope it’s Robbie Fox), with Charly Caruso handing out antibacterial wipes in the Social Media, Health & Wellness Lounge.
Drew Gulak’s powerpoint presentation should be money, assuming the health of the roster holds up and he’s not a last-minute substitute for Jack Gallagher. On with the program!
Sasha Banks vs. Alicia Fox (Kickoff Match): Alicia Fox has her own T-shirt, and she made it off of Main Event and onto the Kickoff Show. Attagirl! Sasha Banks is…still Sasha Banks, I guess. Projection: Sasha beats Alicia clean with the Bank Statement to get this party started.
Cedric Alexander & Rich Swann vs. Jack Gallagher & Brian Kendrick: I like the idea of Jack Gallagher and Brian Kendrick as the droogs of NXT better than I like the execution of it so far. (Who are the droogs? Google is your friend.) Projection? Alexander and Swann are the sort of tag team that could liven up the undercard on Raw. Yeah, they’re technically on Raw every week, but they shouldn’t be pigeonholed on 205 Live. Neither should Kendrick and Gallagher, for that matter. Kendrick pins Swann through nefarious means. Can’t wait to see Jack and Brian bust out their new electric chair/backbreaker double team finisher, the Alex DeLarge.
Asuka vs. Emma: This is Asuka’s debut on WWE Network, unless you count all the other matches she’s had on USA Network in the past two years. She also fought Emma at NXT London, in a match I thought was overrated. Projection? This thing should go six minutes at most, and a lot of those six minutes need to include Emma stalling and running away. The future champ wins with the Asuka Lock. Get ready for Asuka versus Alicia Fox on Raw.
Kalisto vs. Enzo Amore (WWE Cruiserweight Title): Is there anyone here who doesn’t know that Kalisto’s reign isn’t going to last very long? Right. But why does it have to end Sunday? I’m sure WWE has enough material for MONTHS of Enzo Amore’s braggadocious promos on “205 Live” after he gets the title back. Projection? Mustafa Ali distracts Enzo, and the champ wins with Salida Del Sol. Loo-cha!
Alexa Bliss vs. Mickie James (WWE Women’s Title Match): On Monday night, we celebrated a historic first in WWE, as Mickey James became the first female wrestler to talk about bringing a title home to her son, Donovan. It’s the hot blonde versus the mom that’s got it going on! Projection? It’ll be fun, it’ll be well-wroked, and it’ll be over. Alexa wins with the Wicked Witch DDT, and we move on to Team Bliss against Smackdown’s Team 2Pawz at Survivor Series.
AJ Styles vs. Finn Balor: This was originally supposed to be The Demon against Sister Abigail, but she’s been scratched due to viral meningitis as well. Tough break. Projection? AJ already lost one pay-per-view match this month. No sense having him lose again. Styles wins with the Styles Clash to set up the big Raw vs. Smackdown ten-man tag at Survivor Series.
Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose & Kurt Angle vs. The Miz, The Bar, The Braun & Kane (Handicap Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match): … (* sigh *)
Having Kurt Angle replace Roman Reigns here was a bad idea. Why?
From a storyline standpoint, it makes no sense. Angle’s the general manager, and he shouldn’t be wrestling. From a talent standpoint, it’s even worse. Angle’s obviously been cleared by a WWE doctor, but you’re having him make his return in a stunt bump TLC match, which is now five on three.
A more elegant solution would have been to put Finn Balor in Roman’s place, and have Angle come out of retirement to wrestle AJ Styles in a GM vs. Smackdown exhibition match. But I’m booking the same finish either way.
Projection? Strowman and Kane put Angle through a table in the first three minutes of the match. This brings Jason Jordan to ringside to check on his father. When The Bar attacks Jordan, that brings out Jordan’s tag team partner, Matt Hardy, for what is essentially a ten-man garbage match. Because Angle’s going to get up.
A lot of weapons, a lot of furniture, and Strowman wins by powerslamming Ambrose through a table and pinning him. Yes, Kurt Angle loses his return match. No, The Shield didn’t have its big match yet. You do that at Survivor Series, when The Shield fights Miz, Strowman & Kane. You can also have Jordan & Hardy against The Bar on the undercard.
Also, don’t forget to join me and Greg Parks on PWTorchLivecast.com after Tables, Ladders & Chairs for our “Wrestling Night In America” postgame show. (515) 605-9345.
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He likes the New England Patriots to beat the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.
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