SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it’s time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul “NXT” Levesque, Runjin Singh, Big Ed Koskey and WWE President Charles Foster Kane. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Schick Super II razor blades, the only twin blades with a Teflon coating, to get your face into Schick Shape. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by Rick Pallack. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for where he forces Corey Graves to sit in human resources for a week to interview prospective creative team members
Before we get down to business, let’s get to this month’s edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on February 28, 1998 the World Wrestling Federation aired an episode of Shotgun Saturday Night from the Heart of Texas Coliseum in Waco, Texas. Your main event was an epic tag team struggle as the Disciples of Apocalypse faced The Quebecers. Jim Ross and James E. Cornette had the call.
What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I’m glad you asked! On February 23, 2003, World Wrestling Entertainment aired its “No Way Out” show from Montreal, Quebec. On the preshow, it was Rey Mysterio Jr. taking on Jamie Noble in cruiserweight competition. Michael Cole & Taz had the call. (Match Courtesy of WWE.)
WWE Main Event is as hot as ever. From this week’s episode (taped in Phoenix), it’s tag team competition as Heath Slater & Rhyno battle The Revival. Vic Joseph & Nigel McGuinness have the call.
Michael Cole, Corey Graves & Jonathan Coachman will be announcing the show, while Booker T appears on the All-Star Panel, I mean, the WWE Network preshow. On with the program!
Good Brothers vs. The Miztourage (Kickoff Show Chaos): Gallows and Anderson are on the path to someday becoming the top contenders for the Raw Tag Team Titles again. Maybe. Projection? Bo Dallas eats the Magic Killer. The Revival might come out to attack the Balor Club and forward whatever storyline these teams have going.
Then Heath Slater shows up to answer the challenge. Roode defeats Slater to retain the title.
On To The Main Show!
I think we need another match here. How about a cruiserweight match? I’ll add a preview of Tuesday night’s 205 Live action, with Cedric Alexander & Kalisto defeating Roderick Strong & TJP. Good times.
2018 Women’s Elimination Chamber Match (WWE Women’s Title): It is Alexa Bliss vs. Bayley Martinez vs. Mandy Rose vs. Mickie James vs. Sasha Banks vs. Sonya Deville. It definitely won’t be the worst Elimination Chamber match, but there are some definite question marks here. Think fast. What’s the best Raw Women’s Title the promotion can do for WrestleMania? That’s your finish. Projection? Sasha taps out Mandy Rose. Bayley pins Sasha. Sashya turns on Bayley and leaves her laying so Sonya Deville can tap out Bayley. Alexa & Mickie join forces to eliminate Sonya. Alexa cheapshots Mickie with the title belt and keeps the title.
“Woken” Matt Hardy vs. Bray Wyatt: When DID feuding with Bray Wyatt become some sort of punishment? (Last year.) Oh. Projection? Bray pins Matt with Sister Abigail. Matt continues his goofy postmatch behavior. To be continued.
Asuka vs. Nia Jax: Unfortunately, I can’t go back in time and prevent this match from being made. But I can try to minimize the damage. Projection? Asuka and Nia fight up the ramp and go to a double countout. On Raw, Asuka announces that she wants to face Charlotte at WrestleMania. This leaves Nia Jax, the one person who didn’t lose to Alexa, with the Raw title shot in New Orleans. Heck, it’s the only women’s match WWE has built to for months.
Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Titus O’Neil & Apollo Crews (w/ Dana Brooke) – WWE World Tag Team Titles: If you thought Titus Worldwide broke up last week (which is what I thought), apparently you were mistaken.Projection? Titus gets Brogue kicked halfway to Reno. Sheamus and Cesaro keep their momentum heading into March.
John Cena vs. The Miz vs. Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins vs. Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman vs. Elias Samson (2018 Men’s Elimination Chamber Match): Your order of entry is 1) The Miz. 2) Seth Rollins. 3)John Cena 4) Roman Reigns. 5) Finn Balor. 6) Elias. 7) Braun Strowman.
Projection? The Miz, Rollins and Reigns all join forces to eliminate umpteen-times champion John Cena. Finn Balor eliminates Miz with the Coup De Grace. Seth Rollins drops Balor with the Kingslayer. Strowman is out last and starts killing people. Braun powerslams and pins Rollins, then starts looking for Elias.
At that point, Triple H emerges from under the ring and lays waste to Braun with a sledgehammer as payback for the Survivor Series. Elias pins an unconscious Braun, then Reigns hits Elias with a spear to win the title shot against Brock Lesnar.
Aftermath: We go to WrestleMania 34. Alexa vs. Nia Jax? Check. The Miz vs. Finn Balor? Check. Seth Rollins and a mystery partner against The Bar? Check. Braun Strowman & Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H & Stephanie? Check. And, of course, the Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar match we’ve waited three years for.
Let the good times roll.
***
Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He’d take the Washington Wizards over the Philadelphia 76ers in tonight’s NBA game. You know, if gambling were legal.
I thought Elias won last entry into the Chamber?