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TOTAL BELLAS, EPISODE 6 (season finale)
NOVEMBER 9, 2016
AIRED ON E!
The show opens with a recap of last week’s episode: Brie & Bryan hug and cry in their kitchen, Kathy’s lumps, and Brie’s understated retirement. Brie is in Phoenix with Bryan, packing to leave for the wedding. Bryan isn’t going. His doctor doesn’t recommend travel or large social gatherings. Nikki calls Brie as she’s packing to tell her about the Mom’s breast lump situation. By the end of the segment we learn that the lump is nothing malignant and simply caused by a breast implant.
We’re in Ft. Lauderdale for the wedding. Everyone’s glad that Brie’s back. Nikki has hatched a plan to have Brie train for her retirement match. As per my notes: She’s kind of overbearing. As I further watch this episode, I come to recognize this behavior as “meddling.” Brie, Nikki, and Johnny Ace go to a session with Neil Melanson (and, if you’re a woman like me, then you can Google his Wikipedia page). He’s an MMA trainer. Michael Chandler is also there. They show Johnny Ace putting some moves (not that kind) on Brie.
The Mom is back at the hotel where they’re close to having the rehearsal dinner. She’s trying to track down Johnny Ace. Apparently, in the vein of getting a mammogram the day before the wedding, MMA training is the day of the rehearsal dinner. Anyway, on the phone the Mom refers to Ace as Beyonce. Not quite sure why. That probably would have been a fun aside. After her call with Ace, Mom calls Nikki while she, Brie, and Ace are driving back from the session. Nikki lies and tells Mom they’re still at the gym. Such mean children. It ends in good humor with the Mom calling Nikki a bitch.
Brie is getting makeup put on for the rehearsal dinner. She discusses Bryan’s depression in the abstract with whoever is applying her makeup. I always wonder why it’s so hard for women to apply their own makeup. Nikki comes in to get makeup as well. This is a set-up for the tension of Nikki and Brie arguing in the next segment. At issue is Bryan not attending the wedding or Brie’s last match at WrestleMania.
(I went into the kitchen to get coffee cake; this took longer than anticipated). Back from break, Nana (the Bella twins grandmother, introduced in Season 1 of Total Divas) is having a chat with Nikki. At least she doesn’t argue with Nana or offer her advice! Small victories, people. We cut to Brie, Nikki, J.J., Mom, and Ace sitting on deck chairs. Ace tells them that he loves them all. Johnny Ace, lovable cheeseball.
The segment from WWE.com / YouTube that begins with Nikki eating pigs-in-a-blanket and ends with her and Brie arguing over Brie’s marriage with Bryan airs. Or, as I thought when I watched it: Nikki doesn’t understand sarcasm, or just rolls over it like a train. The gist of the segment is that Nikki is oblivious to how relationships between married people work, and can only see Bryan’s depression dampening Brie’s plans, which she sees as unfair.
Back from break, the segment concludes with Brie telling Nikki to keep her opinions to herself when it comes to Bryan. Nikki seems surprised that telling someone that they’re not having enough good times because they’re dealing with their spouses issues isn’t going over well. SMH. The twins get ready for the wedding. Nikki is elated that John has arrived so that someone will give her positive attention. Did a B-roll of all the stupid sh– that Cena has done as Worst Boyfriend Ever just play through your memory too? Maybe that was just me. Anyway, Nikki and Cena hug and kiss. We move on.
Brie & Nikki are in a bedroom, where they further squabble over Bryan’s needs affecting Brie. Nikki tries to guilt her sister on the premise that she’s missed “girl’s trips” to spend time with Bryan… to whom she is married. It’s like she doesn’t understand the concept of marriage. But I digress. Nikki claims, “Brie is protecting Bryan, I’m protecting her” in a cutaway. During the argument Nikki throws out the phrase “pure angry Brie” as if it’s a colloquialism. I want to punch her for being an ass, but of course, this is TV and recorded half a year ago. I definitely wouldn’t want Nikki as a sister. She’s an oblivious meddler. Maybe she deserves Cena?
Cena conveniently appears at this point. Fortunately, that dick move that he pulled when Nikki instigated an argument with Bryan over house square footage doesn’t ensue. Can you picture Cena talking down to Brie and asking her “if everything’s okay?” John tries to diffuse the tension that Nikki is experiencing based on her attempts to impose her feelings on Brie. We have an outdoor photo shoot for the wedding. The twins don’t stand next to each other. This is awkward… and it should be.
After the photo shoot, Brie and Nikki make up. It probably would have been more fun if they’d stopped talking completely. Alas, that’d be a standard reality TV trope.
It’s a boat wedding. It’s fancy. They show fancy things. Ooh, wedding shiny. Also, there is a violinist. As I jot that down in my notes I’m sure there’s a term for violinist. Maybe I’m thinking of a word for some other instrument where the player isn’t simply the instrument + ist. But I digress. Everyone is very well dressed. Brie and Nikki (and John Cena) are sitting together. Ace and Mom exchange vows. It’s a sweet moment. After they are declared husband and wife, the attendees blow bubbles (starving children and birds who’s stomachs don’t explode rejoice… JK). There is dancing on the boat, normal dancing and comical dancing. Everyone is having fun. The segment ends with Ace saying “kind of like I’m Prince Charming on my white horse.” Ace then proceeds to perform a dance move mimicking a horse.
We pivot to Brie and Bryan back in Arizona to visit Dr. Jain. They’re getting antioxidant therapy. Brie suggests she’s going to do a bikini photo shoot. Bryan counters with a Speedo photoshoot. He jokes that he wants to get a good shot of his pre-dad balls – while they’re still firm. It’s a better dick joke than any of the ones we’ve been served by John Cena. Speaking of Cena, we transition to Nikki and Cena visiting Dr. Uribe for an update on Nikki’s neck. The big reveal that her neck is healing fine comes after a commercial break. Nikki and Cena hold hands as they walk down the hospital corridor after receiving this good news.
The final segment is that the WWE seamstress comes for a visit. Nikki’s (and also Brie) getting gear made for WrestleMania. She can’t perform, but not unlike John Cena (who did sort of perform) she can appear. I still don’t understand what “Fearless Nikki” means, but I digress. A montage of footage for next week’s start of the new Total Divas series airs.
NOW CHECK OUT A REVIEW OF LAST WEEK’S SHOW: 11/2 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (ep. 5): Bryan sees one percent chance as hope, Mom finds a lump, Cena cares for Winston
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