SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Raw from Lafayette kicks off with a visit from our WWE Universal Champion, Brock Lesnar. Great Balls Of Fire!
Paul Heyman explains that last week, Samoa Joe was the shark and he was the chum. So this week, Paul Heyman brought a bigger boat.
Heyman tells Samoa Joe that he’s the biggest, scariest Samoan of them all, which has to be news to Roman Reigns.
Samoa Joe makes his entrance. Booker finally talks. I thought they had his microphone turned off.
Joe goes after Brock. Raw GM Kurt Angle sends out security, the undercard and the midcard out to break them up. Wisely, he does not elect to DIY.
The crowd chants “This is awesome!” Yes, some times it really IS that easy to book a wrestling show.
Moments ago, we learned that Michael Cole & Corey Graves spent a whole week saying “Great Balls Of Fire” with a straight face.
Elias Samson has a new song called “Louisiana is a Laughingstock”. I would have opened with “House Of The Rising Sun”, but that’s me.
Last week on Raw, The Miz beat up everyone in the building except for Dean Ambrose. So now we get Ambrose vs. Samson.
Why yes, I definitely want my color commentator to compare one of our headliners to an Adam Sandler character. Who wouldn’t?
Remember, you can discuss tonight’s Raw via social media by using the hashtag #WhatBasketballGame?
Wade needs to take one of our PWTorch cub reporters and put him on Booker T transcript duty.
Does anyone else get the impression Ambrose and Samson haven’t worked together very much?
Miz comes down to the ring to take over calling the ma…I mean, to interfere against Dean.
That certainly did end. I can’t wait to see Rollins & Ambrose reunite to fight Miz and…Okay, let’s not finish that thought.
Later tonight, The Hardys go two out of three falls with Sheamus & Cesaro. Tomorrow, it’s Styles/Nakamura/Zayn vs. Owens/Corbin/Ziggler. Also? It’s Taco Tuesday.
Here comes a Goldust promo. That’s better. He and R-Truth shouldn’t touch until the pay-per-view.
“What do you know about my personal problems?” I know your doctor can prescribe you a little blue pill…I mean, that’s what I hear.
Before you we go to our special Purple Ropes match, let’s look back at how good Cedric Alexander was before we started booking him.
Can we get Alicia Fox over to where they’re taping “Bachelor In Paradise”? I’m sure she’d fit in.
Good news for WWE tonight. The basketball game hasn’t started yet.
Get your Dad a three-month WWE Network subscription for Father’s Day. (Assuming your father is over 54 and in their target demographic.)
Cedric Alexander vs. Noam Dar. I really don’t recommend talking to your bae on Snapchat while walking to the ring.
That match was your official Shucky Ducky Quack Quack Moment Of The Night. (Presented by Red Lobster.)
Did You Know? Roman Reigns’ video package receives 63% fewer boos and catcalls than Roman Reigns himself. True Story.
Next week on Raw, Roman Reigns announces that he’s the official host of SummerSlam. Don’t miss it!
I don’t know what the hell Bray Wyatt’s talking about, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like Seth Rollins.
For some reason, I’m expecting Booker to tell us that Bray Wyatt “steams a good ham”.
Bray Wyatt escapes Seth Rollins by turning the lights out and running backstage. Good plan.
The Hardys tell Charley they’re ready to jump off a bunch of high places to regain their WWE World Tag Team Titles.
BREAKING NEWS: John Cena is officially a free agent. Which means his next phone call will be from Ozzie Newsome.
The Cavs-Warriors game has tipped off, which means, yep, it’s Kalisto vs. Apollo Crews.
The story here is that Titus is trying to sign Akira Tozawa, because he’s more likely to get screen time on “205 Live” than on Raw.
Miz has a business proposition for Heath Slater & Rhyno. (Okay, mostly Slater.)
That didn’t end well. So later tonight, it’s Spray Cheese vs. Miz & a mystery partner. (PRO TIP: Don’t pick Bray Wyatt.)
Congratulations to the Rodriguez family. They’ll be watching Enzo & Cass mysteriously get knocked unconscious at a theme park.
Alexa Bliss tries to talk her way out of another match with Nia Jax. Talk to Sasha Banks. She knows what that’s like.
Mickie James is out. She’s been watching old episodes of Prime Time Wrestling, and she’s challenging Bliss to a SummerSlam Sing-Off.
This segment was already going south, and now it’s been hijacked by whatever Emma’s calling herself.
Sasha Banks shows up and attacks Alexa. This just got interesting, so let’s throw to a pizza commercial.
Loyal reader @JerichoKenny asked about Bayley. I hear she’s spending the evening at the Santa Monica Pier with Austin Aries.
Moments ago, Raw assistant GM Teddy Long turned that last segment into a six woman tag team match, player!
Sasha/Mickie/Dana vs. Alexa/Nia/Emma. Alexa walks out on her team after hearing that the Warriors took the lead again.
Coming up next, Corey Graves has a sitdown segment with Bayley. Coming up even later, Corey has a sitdown segment with Peter Rosenberg.
Here’s Finn Balor’s video package. Seriously, who IS in the building tonight? Other than Gran Metalik and Curt Hawkins?
I hope Bayley’s heel turn is a lot more interesting than Bayley’s explanation for not using a weapon at Extreme Rules.
Spray Cheese vs. Miz & somebody. Whatever you do, be sure to watch the match instead of googling “wwe divorce florida”.
Miz’s official A-list tag team partner is…(wait for it)…a dancing bear on a tricycle. Where is Mr. Greenjeans?
It sure was nice of Jerry Lawler to loan Corey Graves his joke book.
I take that back. The Revenant joke was funny.
The bear just lit up Heath Slater. Miz thinks the bear is Dean Ambrose. Nope, it’s a jobber. The second bear is Dean Ambrose.
So Maryse can’t keep a straight face, and everyone else in the match is headed to the Blue Moon Saloon. Does that about sum it up?
The announcers run down the next Raw pay-per-view, Fantastic Testicles Ablaze.
It’s Neville vs. Rich Swann in a non-title affair. Neville jumps Swann before the match. “That’s what you get for dancing!” yells the Master of the Spinaroonie.
Oh, look. Neville is a graduate of the Paul Levesque School of Ponderous Promos.
Up next, Enzo & Cass vs. Gallows & Anderson, Take Four.
So, you’re never going to guess what happened during the break…
Enzo and Injured Cass hit the ring and somebody should tell Karl Anderson that overselling is a thing.
Big Show makes the save for Enzo. For a guy who just suffered a concussion, Big Cass sure put things together quickly.
And now, R-Truth’s response to Goldust. He has Netflix too. He watches movies.
Hey, is Brock Lesnar still here? How about Samoa Joe?
Sheamus & Cesaro vs. The Hardy Boys. We’re cramming two out of three falls into 25 minutes, NEXT.
A recap of our top story tonight. Roman Reigns still isn’t here at Raw.
Sheamus & Cesaro take the first fall. Over on the other channel, we’re in for a hell of a finish. (Harper is batting in the 9th, with the tying run on first.)
During the break, Gallows & Anderson totally stole Noam Dar’s pizza. Interesting booking decision.
Twist of Fate on Cesaro. We’re all square at one fall each. What were the odds?
Cesaro locks in the sharpshooter on Matt Hardy. If this were Montreal, the match would be over already.
Twist of Fate on Sheamus. Cesaro makes the save. Swanton bomb on Sheamus. Cesaro pulls his partner out of the ring.
Yes, they really did a double countout spot in the final fall. Hey, you have to save something for the pay-per-view.
This feud must continue, but Raw must end. I’m filling in for Wade this Thursday on the PWTorchLivecast.com at 1 p.m. EDT. See you then!
That show sucked.