6/3 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Cena breaks up with Nikki over not wanting a bay, but wants her to send him thank you text when she has her first baby

TOTAL BELLAS (episode two)
JUNE 3, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK

The show opens with engagement footage and footage of the engagement party, and then John Cena and Nikki Bella on the couch filming a break up scene. So, between whenever that scene was filmed and April of 2018, John and Nikki pretended they were still a couple. Really makes the show feel magical, right? No. Yeah, John Cena’s performance on the couch breaking up with Nikki is underwhelming considering that for five years he’s been completely unable to compromise on a goal that his not-quite-equal partner has wanted.

So, Nikki wants kids, and this idiot tells her, “You haven’t been honest with yourself.” As a woman I can only interpret that as: I take zero responsibility for leading you on for five years with gifts of handbags and shoes when what you really wanted was kids, and I’m a stubborn, thoughtless, unempathetic asshole. So, basically, Nikki was all teary on the couch and John Cena talked in weird quiet voice. Cena then negotiates who’s going to tell whom about the break up. This is some crap acting. And honestly, if this is supposed to be scripted or fake or whatever, someone should have written better lines. So, two people who just broke up tell each other “I love you,” and kiss before John leaves first and Nikki is immediately on her phone. Remember, this footage was shown in the teasers for this show back in January. So, for like half a year, they pretended to still be together.

Oh, f—, there is going to be a lot of questionable crying in this episode. Also, Nikki just admitted that she somehow felt guilty about John putting down a lot of money on the wedding? Yes, seriously. Honestly, teenage girls, love knows no economic bounds. The Mom praises her daughter for finally having a spine. Dude, if I’d ever broken up with a boyfriend and was crying it out with my mom, at no point would my mom cry and sell me down the river by saying, “I love him like a son.” I’m aghast at these people and their questionable loyalties. There’s something very weird and antifeminist about a mother mourning the loss of her daughter’s now ex-boyfriend as if he is now a lost child. Evidently I had one of those mother’s who lived by the “there are other fish in the sea” philosophy. And girls, if you have squad goals, those are the kind of ladies you want in your squad, cuz they’re on your side. Anyhoo, 15 minutes in and commercial.

Everyone is gathered at Brie and Bryan’s house. Brie, Nikki, and The Mom are all dressed in black, like this is literally a funeral while more tears are cried on couches. Brie says, “You guys were, like, married,” and Nikki’s response is basically, I know, right. You know, Nikki, who in a cut-out in episode 1 said that she and Cena had maybe spent the night together 30 times in 6 months. Nikki then says that John sent her a text that says, “The day you become a mom and look at your first baby, I expect to get the first ‘thank you’ text.” Yes, John Cena is a f—ing psychopath. Seriously, who the f— says that lovingly in a breakup? Ugh, I hate this family. Anyway, in the mean time, Bryan might be cleared to wrestle. So, that’s our silver lining of the segment.

Moving on, Brie is getting her hair done. On the way to the salon she talks to Bryan in the car. She tells him that Nikki doesn’t want her to tell Lauren and JJ about the break-up. Bryan makes a snarky comment about secrets. Yes, this is a family that lies way too damned much.  So, Brie, JJ, and Lauren have champagne at the hair salon while Brie gets extensions.

Next segment, Brie is looking to rent or buy a house in San Diego. Brie, Mom, JJ, Lauren, and Johnny Ace look at a house.  Then the whole family goes to dinner, where Brie admits that she and Bryan are giving the dogs biscuits with cannabis. Brie had no idea that cannabis is marijuana. Again, young girls: Get better role models. Anyhoo, they’re discussing Brie’s outfits. Brie now has an outy belly button due to her pregnancy, and no, it ain’t attractive, and fortunately she knows that. So, yeah, she’s getting new gear. Anyway, this the dinner where there’s the “Fearless Nichole” YouTube clip.

I’m not impressed by “Fearless Nichole,” largely because I finally found and explanation for “Fearless Nikki.” Yes, I’ve known the whole time that it’s not just a word pulled out of a hat. For the uninitiated, the Bella Twins fans are called the Bella Army. The Bella Army is largely comprised of girls between the ages of 6 and 13, with some unfortunate teenagers, 20-somethings, and gawky boys. Really, I dare you, read the comments on their IGs and YouTube channel. Anyway, this army of children christened Nichole “Fearless Nikki” because adult Nikki Bella had a habit of responding to internet trolls with equally mean comments. If you’re old like me and you realize that someone that would troll one of the Bella Twins on social media is a teenage boy – then just like me, you now know why “Fearless Nikki” was never explained on WWE TV. Anyway, the break up is further poo-pooed.

Back from commercial, Brie and Bryan are en route to a house. Bryan wants to know if there’s room for a gym. Bryan is impressed with the bathroom because he could be in the shower and Brie could come in to use the rest room in order to gaze upon him. Bryan wants to know how much the house costs. Evidently, this is the house. Meanwhile, Nikki is doing a Birdie Bee photoshoot. She declares that she will not cancel a photoshoot over a breakup. Her makeup person asks her about the wedding planning. So, Nikki has to lie about it. Brie shows up and joins the photoshoot. Brie wants to know if Nikki told the makeup lady about the breakup. Anyway, Raw 25 is coming up, and Brie is having anxiety about how John will treat Nikki. Raw 25 is, of course, where all the old Divas came out and waved at the crowd, remember? Yeah, but on this show it’s a big deal.

Brie and Nikki are getting their makeup done and discussing the breakup more. The breakup anxiety is further discussed in a car. Miz and Maryse cameo at 51 minutes in. Paige, Nattie, and Titus also make appearances. Nikki admits that she and John are still pretending to be together in front of her coworkers. Oh no! John Cena appears, so, Nikki has to go over and talk to him…

After what feels like the longest commercial break ever, oh, it was at least 3 minutes, Nikki and John hug backstage. John Cena does his idiotic whispering thing. “It’s taken every fiber of my being not to text or call you,” and “I’m just trying to do the right thing,” is what Cena has to say to Nikki as they continue to hug. Meaningless teenage chatter follows. Then on Raw 25, the Bellas wave at the audience, along with Maryse, Kelly Kelly, Tori Wilson, Jacqueline, and Trish Stratus. Yeah, that was the big moment. Then they play Cena’s entrance. Nikki doesn’t want to watch his segment; she wants to leave. This was the segment where Cena interrupted Elias. So, footage of Cena and Elias fighting is intermingled with Nikki’s anxiety about pretending to be in a relationship and being empowered to make her own decisions.

Next week: Brie and Nikki train, and the 30 Woman Royal Rumble happens.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 5/27 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Cena and Nikki talk wedding plans, best man, baby disagreements; Brie and Nikki don’t know the word “exacerbate”