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TOTAL BELLAS (episode four)
MAY 27, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK
Tonight on the show: Will Nikki & John break up, Nikki will try on dresses, oh, right, and comebacks. Brie and Nikki are at Birdie Bee offices assembling furniture. They attempt to make twin puns. I’m eating Jello salad. Anyway, shameless Birdie Bee plugs continue. Bedbugs and crabs are mentioned. Anyhoo, Nikki was cleared to go to the Royal Rumble. I’m somewhat amazed they didn’t pretend like this was a plot point for 58 minutes. The wine brand is shamelessly mentioned. Nikki still thinks the baby is going to say “Coco” first. Science says dada, again. Brie and Nikki are in a car, and neither one of them know the word “exacerbate.” Nikki points out that it sounds like masturbate. Find better role models, teenage girls. They then speak to Rob, John Cena’s man friend who once explained to Cena that when your girlfriend cooks you dinner, you need to compliment her and the food, not bitch about water on the floor and dirty dishes. Evidently this was the major plot point where Nikki suggests that he might be the best man… as if guys care about that stuff the way that women do. Spoiler alert: They don’t, unless they’re psychopaths.
Anyway, the clip from YouTube where Nikki confesses that she mentioned that Rob could be the best man airs. John Cena acts like it’s a big deal. It’s not, but I guess it might be a big deal to a control freak psychopath. It’s not like Nikki gave Rob a gift and did a balloon drop. It was a side comment in a phone call made in a car. FFS. The Jello salad I just ate was better than this entire segment. As an aside, since Cena and Nikki have gotten back together this week – as reported by TMZ – their break up on this show is entirely pointless. Commercial.
They show the moon, and then we’re back to the Cena-Nikki “OMG, Rob might be the best man” segment. John then asks if Nikki wants to get married in his home town. He knows she doesn’t want to get married there. John Cena said the magical terrible word: Budget. John Cena wants more honesty in their relationship. That’s ironic. It’s only not ironic if you didn’t see the segment where John & Nikki talk about power of attorney in a car. Anyhoo, John’s family is there for an engagement party. JJ, the creepy brother, talks to John Cena about his body stats; he starts with shoe size… while they play “billiards.” Yes, Cena called it billiards, not pool. Eyeroll.
For whatever reason, Brie chooses this moment to grill JJ’s wife Lauren about whether or not she is pregnant. They don’t want to talk about it in front of Nikki, who walks into the kitchen on them. I’ve previously mentioned the astonishing amount of lying involved in this family, right? Commercial.
Twenty-five minutes into the show Nikki will try on wedding dresses. This segment is also available somewhere on YouTube. Nikki’s fake boobs are too big to fit in the dress, despite that everyone oohs and ahs over all the dresses she tries on. Nikki is not excited about trying on these dresses. There’s champagne. Moving along to the engagement party prep. For whatever reason, John gives Nikki a pep talk about how “stuff’s gonna go wrong.” Then there’s a lot of forehead kissing. Anyway, at the wedding Nikki wants two seats left empty for Pop-Pop and Bobo. Three out of four of my sets of great grandparents were farmers, but holy f—, I’m glad we escaped hillbilly names. Apparently Nikki really misses her Pop-Pop. I’m guessing that was a grandparent; otherwise I can only assume it was a dog.
Random shots of sunrises and backlit flowers. So, let’s get this party started. Their respective families file in. Outside someone is playing a harp. I’m pretty sure that Bryan is wearing a long john top and sweat pants to this shindig. Anyway, Nikki has grabbed Johnny Martin and Rob – John Cena’s man friends – for a special moment where they hug. According to Nikki, Cena has a pep in his step and a permanent smile at this engagement party while she’s feeling all blah. Perhaps Cena has taken some pointers from the Miz, who acts like the almost completely perfect husband on every episode of Total Divas on which he appears. Anyway, it’s time for the engagement announcement — also, a clip on YouTube. John shows off Nikki’s ring. Supposedly they’re getting married in Napa Valley on 5-5. Then Brie tramples all over their announcement in order to announce that her creepy brother JJ and Lauren are expecting another child. Nikki is deflated that another female member of the family is having a baby and she is not.
It’s 9:46 and we’re back to Lauren & JJ’s pregnancy announcement. Nikki wanders off to cry alone. Nikki wants a baby and she’s envious of those who do. Music plays and random shots of people at the party are shown while Nikki sniffles in front of a mirror and applies more makeup. No segue, Bryan and Brie are going to train at Wrestle Warehouse. Brie and Bryan warm up in the ring before practicing moves. For whatever reason, as they train, Michael Cole’s and Corey Grave’s commentary is overdubbed. On the way home from training Brie calls Nikki. Brie talks about looking at houses. Nikki isn’t enthused to talk about it.
At the Napa Jet Center a plane lands where John and Nikki are going to “put the money” down on the venue for their wedding. They’re shown sitting in a car – not talking. If you’ve seen them talk in a car, this might be preferable. “Vintage House” is apparently the venue. John and Nikki go into what appears to be a bedroom where they sit down on a couch in front of the bed. Nikki tries to give John, who is wearing a long sleeved shirt and shorts, a blanket; he rejects it. Here Nikki admits that she’s sad about not having the potential to be a mom because John Cena doesn’t respect her wishes to start a family. The show ends with Cena saying, “I don’t wanna say it’s a surprise, but I even told you so many times that something like this would happen,” and “I’m not sure we should go through with this.”
Next week on Total Bellas: The fallout from their moment on the couch, and the 25th anniversary of Raw episode.