SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is awaiting a call from the Presidential Transition Team about his application for Assistant Secretary of Trolling. While he waits, he will be blogging tonight’s Survivor Series. Apparently, he’ll start when something actually happens on the Kickoff Show.
The Miz comes out and joins the panel, cutting a passionate babyface promo about how much the WWE Intercontinental Title means to him. In case you haven’t been paying attention. Smackdown is the babyface brand in the Red vs. Blue war. (Why? Because Stephanie McMahon is on Raw. Duh.)
Remember, you can follow all our Survivor Series Kickoff show coverage via social media, by using the hashtag #TheMuteButtonIsYourFriend.
Next on the Survivor Series Kickoff Show, Tom Phillips interviews WWE Pan-Galactic Champion Kevin Owens. That’s sure to end well!
Kevin Owens invites Chris Jericho onto the set for tag team humiliation of announcer Phil Thomas. “Be a star, Phil!”
If they had given Owens & Jericho the first hour of the Kickoff show, it would have been much more entertaining. Still to come on the Kickoff show, Kane vs. Luke Harper and Perkins/Swann/Noam Dar vs. Nese/Gulak/Daivari.
Mauro Ranallo & Corey Graves are here to call a special 6 man tag team match from the X Divi…I mean, Cruiserweight Division.
“His entrance is straight out of a video game!” Thanks, Mauro. What would we ever do without you?
Remember, this is a preview of what you’ll see every Tuesday on “205 Live”. Right down to the crowd reaction.
Rich Swann wins with the standing 450 on Daivari. Who don’t like Rich Swann?
Backstage, Kalisto tells Dasha Fuentes he has Smackdown Blue running through his veins. I hear there’s a twelve-step program for that.
Renee Young (correctly) tells us this is the 30th annual Survivor Series. Coincidentally, most of my jokes are at least thirty years old.
Kane defeats Luke Harper with a chokeslam. Boy, it’s a good thing Smackdown has Shane McMahon on its team, instead of someone like Kane who actually wrestles for a living.
Say, how do you like WWE’s plan to run four nights in a row at every single Big Four pay-per-view? If I were doing that, I sure wouldn’t put my best show on first.
Renee asks Booker T for his thoughts on the main event. Halfway through Booker’s discussion, the closed captioning person types “I QUIT” and leaves the building.
Stay tuned. Our 3,000 hours of WWE Survivor Series coverage on PWTorch.com continues after this timeout.
Time for the main show and the intro. It should be obvious after this that Stephanie and Shane McMahon are both Brand Supremacists.
Tonight is WWE Survivor Series. The Air Canada Centre holds 17,143 WWE fans and almost as many WWE announcers.
We open it up with the Women’s Elimination Match. You know, if Kevin Dunn keeps Saxton’s microphone level that low for the rest of the broadcast, this will be a great show.
We’re ready to go, but Smackdown captain Nikki Bella has gone missing. No, wait. Nikki was knocked out backstage! Here comes Natalya to the rescue!
Here we go. Charlotte/Bayley/Sasha/Nia/Alicia vs. Becky/Alexa/Carmella/Naomi/Natalya!
Remember the rules of #SurvivorSeries. Wrestlers can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, countout, disqualification or getting knocked the f— out backstage.
No, Michael Cole is not announcing tonight. I didn’t mention it sooner because I didn’t want to jinx the show.
Alicia pins Carmella with an axe kick. Then Alexa eliminates Alicia. We’re four on four.
Naomi makes the mistake of diving from the top rope onto Nia Jax. Nia kills Naomi and Naomi gets counted out. Four on three advantage for Raw.
Natalya surprises Sasha with a rollup. We’re three on three. Then Nattie catches Charlotte in a sharpshooter. It doesn’t take. Charlotte eliminates Nattie with the big boot. Three on two.
Becky forces Nia Jax to tap to the Disarmer. It’s Charlotte & Bayley vs. Becky & Alexa. Charlotte eliminates Alexa. So much for that.
Becky fights off both women for a few minutes, before Bayley hits the belly-to-Bayley for the victory.
Charlotte & Bayley are your survivors. The celebration lasts about three seconds before Charlotte attacks Bayley from behind.
Backstage, James Ellsworth is bullied by Gallows & Anderson. Mick Foley makes the save. Then, Mick tries to recruit Ellsworth for Raw.
Oh, crap. It’s Michael Cole. I jinxed it. The broadcast team now contains Cole, JBL, Saxton & Otunga. Worst game of Musical Chairs ever.
The Miz defends the WWE Intercontinental Title against Sami Zayn. While we’re here, let’s say hello to our Czech announcers, Georg & Yortuk Festrunk!
JBL points out that Ric Flair gave his figure-four leglock to The Miz. True, but Flair kept trying to take it back. That’s why they took Ric off TV.
The story here is Miz keeps using Daniel Bryan’s moves to taunt the Smackdown GM. Zayn gets Miz in the figure-four, and Maryse rings the bell. This causes Zayn to let go of the hold. Miz wins with a rollup.
As a result of this chicanery, the referee awards the title to Sami Zayn. Oh, wait. This is WWE, where cheating is rewarded. My bad.
AJ Styles and Dean Ambrose get into it backstage. White-haired player-coach Shane McMahon breaks it up.
Time for the tag team elimination match. I’m not sure, but I think the guys in the red T-shirts are the Raw team.
@RandDittmar asks: Just who isn’t in this match? Answer: The Ascension.
The Hot Cops start off the match for Team Smackdown. The New Day eliminates them in twelve seconds.
Twelve seconds later, the Usos eliminate The New Day. Alrighty then. The Raw team works over Mojo Rawley. That’s right. Mojo Rawley is playing Ricky Morton. Whoever produced this match has a sense of humor.
Gallows and Anderson eliminate the Hype Bros. American Alpha eliminates The Shining Stars. Six on six.
After a bunch of ridiculous dives, Gallows and Anderson hit the Magic Killer on Jordan. Three teams on two teams.
Rhino gores Gallows. Big Cass and Enzo finish Rhyno with the Rocket Launcher. The Usos are left alone against two, make that one team.
Sheamus & Cesaro vs. The Usos. Not sure about this. We get a number of false finishes before Cesaro makes Jey Uso tap to the sharpshooter. Raw wins again!
Stephanie & Mick Foley decide to reward Sheamus & Cesaro by giving them a tag title shot tomorrow night. What? Actual consequences? Shut the front door!
Styles vs. Ambrose in a TLC match in two weeks. Well, at least that show will only be four hours.
After Survivor Series, join me & Greg Parks for the PWTorchLivecast.com postgame show. Or, as we like to call it around here, “515 Live”.
This match will determine who gets exclusive control of the cruiserweights, except for when they’re on WWE Network. It’s wily veteran Brian Kendrick against exciting young luchador Kalisto. The crowd, of course, chants for Tye Dillinger.
Kendrick’s multicolored tights are easily worth the $10 monthly fee for WWE Network. Kalisto fights his way out of the Captain’s Hook. This match does beg the question of exactly why Kalisto ISN’T in the Cruiserweight Division already.
Baron Corbin runs in and gets Kalisto disqualified, then beats up Kalisto. So, Raw is up three matches to one. Great competition we have here.
Michael Cole is back at ringside, so it must be time for the men’s elimination match. Two matches left on this show. Should we plan to go on the air early?
At this time, let’s say hello to our French announce team of Jean Brassard and Beldar Conehead!
Team Smackdown is here. Look, all I know is that if we have a Raw vs. Smackdown match at Survivor Series, Randy Orton wins. That’s the law.
Tonight’s show is sponsored by WWE’s Then, Now & Forever action figures series. Available now! (Or then. Or forever.)
It’s Styles/Ambrose/Orton/Wyatt/Shane vs. Owens/Jericho/Strowman/Reigns/Rollins. Roman Reigns can’t even get cheered when he’s punching Shane McMahon.
Styles and Ambrose fight each other, allowing Strowman to pin Ambrose with a powerslam. Okay then. Wyatt tries to hypnotize Strowman, but it doesn’t take. Orton RKO’s Strowman on the announce table. Then Orton & Wyatt hold Strowman in place so Shane McMahon can elbowdrop him through the table. The crowd, of course, chants for AJ Styles.
Ellsworth holds Strowman’s leg to get him counted out. Four on four. Strowman shot puts Ellsworth off the stage and kills him.
Shane McMahon kicks out of the Codebreaker. Shoot me now. Kevin Owens hits AJ Styles with the List of Jericho. Multiple times. And he gets himself disqualified. Orton hits Jericho with an RKO and eliminates him. It is four on two for Smackdown. What could possibly go wrong?
Shane beats up Reigns and Rollins (of course) but Reigns spears Shane-o-Mac during a Van Terminator. Shane screws up and kicks out of the spear. The referee figures out Shane has suffered a concussion and ends it anyway. Oh, my. Three on two.
The fans boo Reigns. Shut up, Toronto. Roman is my new hero.
Dean Ambrose runs back in and beats up AJ Styles. Um, this is awkward. Ambrose helps Reigns and Rollins deliver a triple powerbomb to Styles. Rollins makes the pin. Two on two.
Luke Harper runs in. It’s Shield vs. Wyatt Family. Again. Rollins comes off the top rope, eats an RKO, and gets pinned by Bray Wyatt. Reigns stands alone.
“Roman Reigns is everything they say about him”. With that, JBL takes the award for Backhanded Compliment of the Night.
Randy Orton takes a spear meant for Bray Wyatt. Bray, the legal man, hits Sister Abigail for the pin. Orton and Wyatt are sole survivors. Smackdown wins.
It’s time for Bill Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar. If you haven’t seen the hype leading up to this match, I’m sorry. I can’t help you.
Lesnar and Heyman come out. It sounds like Goldberg will be the fan favorite here. Who’d have thunk it?
Goldberg hits a spear. And another spear. And a jackhammer. Well, that’s it. Goldberg wins! Good night, everybody!
We’ll be talking about this shortly on PWTorchLivecast.com. You might want to get your questions ready. Unless WWE was serious about there being a big angle tonight.
Nope. Good night!