SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It’s time for our TNA, um, Global For…no, Impact Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Scott D’Amore, Big John, Sonjay Dutt, the Court of Owls or the Log Lady. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. No Impact employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Ronco Pocket Fisherman Spin Casting Outfit, the famous fishing pal that has thrilled generations. Ronco Pocket Fisherman: It’s always ready for the fish to strike. Closed captioning for this column is provided by America Online. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by William Fioravanti. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. My projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Impact Wrestling. (Of course, I’d be wanting to get paid up front.)
First, Anthem took over Impact Wrestling. Then, Impact Wrestling took over Anthem. The former GFW is running on a shoestring, while its parent company is laying off people at Fight Network to stay afloat. The entire Impact operation will be moved to Ontario, so it’s good thing Toronto have a thriving independent scene. We’ll be seeing a lot more of that scene over the next few months.
Time for this week’s Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on November 8th, World Championship Wrestling presented an episode of WCW Worldwide, taped in Orlando, Florida sometime in October 1997. On this show, Scott Hall is in action against “Colorado Kid” Mike Rapada. Tony Schiavone and the late Bobby Heenan have the call. Enjoy.
Impact Wrestling Xplosion had a big matchup recently. We take you to the Impact Zone in Orlando, where it’s James Storm in action against Caleb Konley. Josh Mathews & Jeremy Borash are on commentary.
What was happening in TNA ten years ago? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s revisit those thrilling days of yesteryear as we go back to TNA’s Genesis 2007, which took place November 11, 2007 in Orlando. That broadcast had a very special ladder match, with the winner earning the next shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Title, and it was Christian Cage taking on Frankie Kazarian. Huzzah! Mike Tenay and Don West had the call.
Impact Wrestling Bound For Glory 2017 will be recorded in front of a live studio audience.
With Taya Valkyrie out Rosemary Rush does not have an opponent for tonight. If the company needs to fill time, they can send Rosemary out there against Hania the Huntress or any local female indy worker who can afford to pay for her own parking. (Allegedly.)
Eddie Edwards, Ethan Carter III & James Storm vs. El Hijo del Fantasma, Pagano & Texano (Impact vs. AAA): Three former Impact champions against three well-known Mexican wrestlers. So, yeah, opening match. Projection? Isn’t Storm on his way out? Then that makes it easy. Hijo del Fantsama pins Storm with a German suplex. The (North) Americans have to man up on future episodes.
Grado vs. Abyss (Monsters Ball): Joseph Park went to a lot of trouble to keep Grado in the United States. Grado originally needed to win the match to keep his work visa. Then Anthem moved Impact Wrestling (and this show) to Canada. Impact fixed it, by making this match for Grado’s NORTH AMERICAN visa. That’s right, wrestling fans. The globalists have taken over. Run for your lives! Projection? Abyss wins with the Black Hole Slam. Then, on the next episode of Impact, Abyss & Joseph Park are sued by Grado’s brother, renowned British barrister Sir Anthony Stevely. Hilarity ensues.
Moose Ojinnaka & Stephan Bonnar vs. Bobby Lashley & King Mo (Six Sides Of Steel Cage Match): There’s nothing like a tag team mixed martial arts match. Seriously, how is this supposed to work? Projection? Bonnar knocks out Lashley with a big knee, and Moose makes the pin. The feud between Moose and Lashley MUST continue.
Trevor Lee (champion) vs. Dezmond Xavier vs. Matt Sydal vs. Petey Williams vs. Hector Garza Jr. vs. Sonjay Dutt (Impact X Division Title): We have a lot of talent in one match here. Dezmond Xavier is getting a large push here, and deservedly so. Projection? Xavier hits the Final Flash on Petey Williams somewhere in this mess to win the title. Obviously, Trevor Lee is going to want a rematch. I like the idea of Xavier feuding with Trevor Lee straight up much better than I like the parade of multi-man matchups on Impact.
Sienna Kay (champion) vs. Allie Bomb vs. Gail Kim (Impact Wrestling Knockouts Title): At least this one is easy. Impact Wrestling isn’t going to let Gail Kim lose in her final match, right? RIGHT? Projection? Gail hits Eat Defeat on Sienna to capture the gold, and we have a tournament on Impact to crown a new champion. We could stretch that out until March.
OvE (Dave Crist & Jake Crist) vs. LAX (Angel Ortiz & Miguel Santana & Diamante Rose & Homicide & Konnan) – (Impact Tag Team Titles – 5150 Street Fight): The scuttlebutt is that Sami Callihan debuts here to help the Crists overcome the 5 on 2 odds. But there’s someone who would make more sense. Projection? Alberto El Patron is in the house, and gets a hero’s welcome as he tries to protect the champs. But Homicide hits the Gringo Killer on Dave Crist and Ortiz gets the pin. LAX is one of the few Impact acts that actually works. Keep them strong.
Eli Drake (w/ Chris Adonis) vs. Johnny Impact Morrison – (Impact World Heavyweight Title): Is Johnny Nitro Mundo outnumbered here? Probably. Did he take a beating from Drake and Adonis? Yes. But why even have Bound for Glory unless you’re getting a top babyface over? Projection? Adonis gets knocked off the apron. Fin Del Mundo. New Impact champion. Then we see what’s left after the week is over.
Aftermath: Eddie Edwards defends the GHC title at the tapings. The tapings, seeing as they’re the first ones Anthem has hosted in Ottawa, should be a clustermess. (But you, you already knew that.)
***
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. You can e-mail him at patmcneill@live.com. He’d take the Oakland Raiders to beat the Miami Dolphins on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.
This is probably the worst thing I have ever read on this site. That is saying a lot. But it was great comedy. Thanks, MARK
A Raiders fan would explain it. Team of losers led my Marshawn Lynch. One of the biggest of the big.