7/15 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Bachelorette party time for a wedding that ultimately won’t happen, plus The Eiffel “Statue,” Bedazzled Titty Tassels

TOTAL BELLAS (episode eight)
JULY 8, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK

Spoiler alert: John and Nikki don’t get married, but hey, Episode 8 of Total Bellas is all about Nikki having a bacheloretteparty in Paris. Nikki showed up three days before everyone else. Unlike in the last episode where the Mom said she wouldn’t go to Paris since the last time she was there there was an unspecified terrorist attack, low and behold the Mom is in Paris with the twins, a random selection of women, and creepy brother J.J. Yup, the creeper is at the bachelorette party despite the fact that they’re usually reserved for women. Anyway, Nikki has rented a chateau. It’s definitely better decorated than John Cena’s mansion, since it has color and actual stuff – like red velvet curtains, not generic crap painted in apartment white. Anyway, the unspecified terrorist attack is mentioned again in the context of the Mom having anxiety. Let me specify that – no one says anything about condolences to the victims. Yes, really.

The chateau they’re staying in is supposedly haunted. They have terrible strategy for dealing with ghosts. Since this is E! and there’s no real content to this show, Nikki had a cheesy top on – it’s white with black stripes, because, you know, Paris and mimes. Everyone acknowledges that it’s weird and stupid that the Mom and creepy brother are at a bachelorette party. Mom and creeper agree to go do their own thing while the pretend bachelorette things happen. Eleven minutes in there is spanking, in the event that you were into that thing. I’m presently trying to murder a fly in my living room, so, excuse me if I seem distracted. Anyway, commercial.

The bachelorette party is going to visit the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, Creeper is on the bus. For whatever reason Nikki does not know that the Eiffel Tower is not a statue, but rather a building. The last time Nikki visited the site, she wished that John would propose. I would have never wished that, but like everyone else I watched the episode of Total Divas when Nikki cooked him dinner. He ain’t marriage material unless you have a fetish for assholes. Anyway, the bachelorette party is doing a tea party. Yes, this is f—ing lame. Brie acknowledges the lameness of the event and introduces the idea that they should do dares. Creeper thinks that Nikki should hide under a table and try to scare one of the servers. Have you seen the episodes of Total Divas where Renee Young did “jokes” in Vegas – yeah, this is equally as lame. They discuss masturbation.

Moving along, Brie has a list of “dares,” to try to spice up this lame bachelorette episode. Anyway, Brie’s partying is apparently lame, so they show footage of drunk Brie being an idiot. I’m not sure why I’m supposed to be impressed by that. 9:25 commercial. No, I have not yet murdered the fly. Ugh.

They’re doing a champagne tasting. Brie falls asleep on the bus. Yeah, this is not riveting TV. The Mom and J.J. are going to sneak a bottle of wine on a Ferris Wheel, because who knows why? J.J. doesn’t know any Paris landmarks besides the Eiffel Tower. Now, back to this champagne tasting. So, basically a bunch of women sit at a table and drink champagne. One of the girls is wearing a beret. Yup, Americans abroad. There’s a mime. Welcome to stereotype city. Nikki kisses the mime. Next up they’re at a cafe. Nikki calls a stranger Jon and hugs him. Meanwhile the Mom and J.J. ask a random stranger to drink wine out of a plastic Dixie cup. Apparently the unspecified terrorist attack was a shooting at a cafe. Again, no condolences offered to the victims and more about the Mom having anxiety that Paris is a dangerous and unsafe place. Ugh. Commercial.

Back from commercial, the Mom and J.J. visit one of the places of the 11-13-2015 terrorist attacks. They finally mention the victims. It’s a small miracle. Sad music plays. Now, back to this lame-ass bachelorette party. They’re on the bus chanting “Saki” when Cena calls Nikki. Cena is at home and he’s bored. They chant “stop being tired” at Nikki. Yes, that is how lame this bachelorette party is. In other news, either the fly is regrouping or has moved on to a different room, because I’m pretty sure I didn’t yet kill it.

The girls go to a restaurant. Nikki asks for Saki; they don’t have any. Brie and Lauren go into a hallway and plot to de-lame-ify this bachelorette party. Brie wants to dress up in costumes and get drunk and dance.

Back from commericial: Random scenes from Paris. A lady named Lola shows up to do the styling for these girls to get drunk and dance. She has sex fetish things. Lauren does not want sex fetish lingerie. The words “bedazzled titty tassels” are spoken. Apparently they couldn’t just find a costume shop.

So, that was the end of the episode. On the next episode they manage to have a non sex-fetish themed drunk dance party, and also, Daniel Bryan will come out of retirement.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 7/8 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Nikki dives into wedding planning mostly alone, Brie decides she’s into art, Cena plays a guitar