SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Roman Reigns is one of the most dramatic, divisive, and discussed WWE performers in history. The company makes desperate play after desperate play to make him your favourite graps guy – with limited success. How do they do it? What do they do?
I’m Tom Colohue and this is the Monday Night Reigns-o-Meter.
So Roman Reigns is back in the spotlight again. Back main eventing pay-per-views over both the hottest names in WWE and the supposed biggest title, but it’s okay because people cheer him now and that makes everything better, right? I’m okay with Roman main eventing a fifth WrestleMania in a row. Honest!
So a whole lot of very little had changed when Roman Reigns finally stepped formally back in to the ring, clad in his Shield armor, his whitest sneakers, his most loyal brothers. He’s back and better than ever. He’s the best. Around. Nothing’s going to ever et cetera et cetera.
Fastlane was a weird show. High-quality wrestling; Attitude Era style overbooking. Almost everybody had a run-in or a shock turn or an inadequate number of dance breaks. There were only two singles matches in the whole match and both were decided by a woman on the outside. Not so for The Shield, though. There was no shock turn. No run-in. There was even exactly the right number of dance breaks. The Shield would reunite for Hashtag One Last Time.
Facing off against the stunningly powerful evil that is Baron Corbin – nope that’s what the script says, Baron Corbin – The Shield slowly outnumbered and overwhelmed his former boss. His former bossman. His former big bossman.
That’s genuinely all I’ve got for Fastlane. It was one of the most textbook matches you’ll ever see, and that’s saying something given that The Shield matches always follow almost exactly the same formula.
Moving swiftly on, we get to Monday Night Reigns. We open with The Shield coming out and celebrating their final moment together. Their final match. Their final piece of in-ring artistry. Roman then remembered that Seth Rollins actually has a match at WrestleMania. I’d honestly forgotten about that weeks ago. And so Roman Reigns stepped aside. He conceded the spotlight. He graciously allowed his associate, his contemporary, to exist and wrestle and things.
However, as the segment slowly fell apart, Seth Rollins would be attacked by that most dastardly of villains, Shelton Benjamin.
Nope, that’s what the script says, Shelton Benjamin. It’s been a strange week.
Thankfully, Seth would be saved the vicious beatdown by the arrival of my hero and your favorite, Roman Reigns. Lets see if Roman rescues anybody else tonight, shall we?
Having vanquished the villainy of Shelton Benjamin, Roman went on to rescue his old pal and his buddy, Seth’s favorite, Finn Balor. Bobby Lashley, another rogue that Roman has been competing with, would unfairly outnumber Finn Balor and steal his Intercontinental Title.
Or they would have, had Roman Reigns not come down to save the day. It’s all about Roman, and Roman is going about making friends and taking names.
But you know what we’re really missing from this week’s Raw? Odds. Roman Reigns has beaten up Shelton Benjamin; that happened for sure. He’s rescued Finn Balor and beaten up both Lio Rush (would genuinely watch that match) and Bobby Lashley (nah). Now we get the odds. Roman Reigns officially returns to the ring against Baron Corbin. No, seriously, the script still says Baron Corbin for some reason.
Oh wait, no, they changed the script. That’s great news. Drew McIntyre is our hero!
McIntyre would emerge in the Randy Orton style and bash Roman Reigns repeatedly. There would be kicks to the head, a kick to the head, and even some kicks to the head. It was brutal; also awesome.
Seeking vengeance after a stunned Roman Reigns was taken to the back, Dean Ambrose would request a Falls Count Anywhere match from his dad backstage, leading to a bit of a vicious back and forth. I especially liked how furious Renee Young would become on commentary whenever there was risk to Dean Ambrose’s penis. This happened more often than you might think.
Thankfully, Roman Reigns would save the day as per usual and, when all the dust had settled, when all the smoke had cleared, when the crowd were done chanting The Rock’s name, The Shield stood tall over all others.
– Baron Corbin
– Bobby Lashley
– Drew McIntyre
– Not Baron Corbin
– Not Bobby Lashley
– Definitely Drew McIntyre
Did Roman Reigns beat the odds?
Yes but mostly no
Yes, I know. Roman didn’t save anyone. All Romans friends got beat up. Sad day.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S COLUMN: MONDAY NIGHT REIGNS-O-METER #85: It’s back. He’s back! Tracking Roman Reigns’s ability to beat the odds and come out on top