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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It’s time for our TNA, um, Impact, Anthem, Global Force pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff, Dutch, Scott D’Amore, the Court of Owls or the Log Lady. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. No GFW employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year’s supply of La Choy brand beef chow mein. La Choy makes Chinese food swing American. Closed captioning for this column is provided by America Online. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by Oak Hill. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Anthem Global Force whatever.
Impact Wrestling is now Global Force Wrestling, and I have an ice cream headache.
Time for this week’s Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on June 28th, 1997, World Championship Wrestling presented WCW Saturday Nitro from the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, California, on Real Audio via the WCW website. There’s no audio, but someone was nice enough to film the show from the balcony. Your opening match? Konnan, La Parka & Villano IV against Damien, Juventud Guerrera & Super Calo. Enjoy.
Impact Wrestling Xplosion had a big tag match this week. We take you to the Impact Zone in Orlando, where it’s Reno Scum against the Death Crew Council of Eddie Kingston & Bram. Josh Mathews & Jeremy Borash are on commentary.
What was happening in TNA ten years ago? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s revisit those thrilling days of yesteryear as we go back to TNA’s Victory Road 2007, which took place July 15, 2007 in Orlando. That broadcast began with Christopher Daniels, Elix Skipper, Frankie Kazarian, Homicide, Jay Lethal, Puma, Senshi, Shark Boy & Sonjay Dutt facing off in an Ultimate X Gauntlet Match. Mike Tenay and Don West had the call.
Slammiversary XV will be recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Moose Ojinnaka & DeAngelo Williams vs. Eli Drake & Chris Adonis (Bound For Gold Gauntlet Match): Listen, I don’t know what’s going to happen with DeAngelo Williams, but he’s already a better NFL guest star than Pacman Jones Projection? DeAngelo gets to spear Drake. Moose spears the Masterpiece. Moose’s pin counts, because he’s the legal man. I don’t know if the footage makes SportsCenter, but we will at least see it on NFL Network.
Jeremy Borash & Joseph Park, Esq. vs. Josh Mathews & Scott Steiner I’m hoping for lots and lots of shenanigans to get me through this match. Failing that, I hope Don West gives us some “Unbelievables”, and accidentally calls Robert Flores “Mike” a couple of times to liven things up. Projection? The lights go out, allowing Park to magically transform into Abyss. Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam on Josh. Borash gets the pin while the monster prevents Scott Steiner from breaking up.
Yes, I expect JB & Josh to still be working together on Impact by this time next month, but I’m cynical that way.
James Storm vs. Ethan Carter III (Strap Match): James Storm is getting inducted into the TNA, um, Impact…Global Force Hall of Fame tonight. Storm deserves to be in. Would the new management have Storm lose his grudge match on the same night? Maybe, but I wouldn’t. Projection? Last Call for Mr. Carter, and Storm is victorious.
Eddie Edwards & Alisha Edwards vs. Davey Richards & Angelina Love Richards (Full Metal Mayhem match): How many times have we all wondered how Angelina Love and Mrs. Eddie Edwards would fare in a TLC match? None? Okay then. Projection? Davey hits a coup de grace on Eddie, and that settles the Wolves rivalry. Until next week.
Rosemary Rush vs. Sienna Kay (GFW Knockouts Title): This should be a Shimmer-riffic fight as Romsemary and Sienna face off again, some more. Projection? Sienna hits the Silencer to become the Queen of the Knockouts
LAX (Angel Ortiz & “Draztik” Miguel Santana) vs. El Hijo del Fantasmo & Drago vs. Naomichi Marufuji & Taiji Ishimori vs. Hector Garza Jr. & Laredo Kid (GFW Tag Team Titles): I started wondering why Marufuji was teaming with Ishimori instead of with his regular partner, Maybach Taniguchi, and then I realized this is a Jeff Jarrett show, and I was completely overthinking this. Projection? LAX hits the Pazuzu Press on Laredo Kid to keep the championships.
Sonjay Dutt vs. Low Ki (GWF X Division Title – 2/3 Falls): Let’s see. One guy works as a producer/agent for GFW, and the other doesn’t. Who goes over? Projection? Dutt wins the third and deciding fall. This should be the longest bout on the show.
Bobby Lashley (w/ King Mo) vs. Alberto El Patron (w/ Dos Caras Sr., The Most Interesting Masked Man In The World) – (GWF World Heavyweight Title): Sadly, President Trump is unable to be Lashley’s cornerman tonight in Orlando. (Although, I’m told he’ll be watching on FiteTV.) Projection? Patron Senior is able to keep King Mo from interfering against his son, but Lashley is still able to trap Alberto in the anaconda vice and retain the title.
Aftermath: I’d have Ishimori defeat Sonjay Dutt for the X Division Title at the tapings. But that is another story.
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He’d take the Washington Nationals over the St. Louis Cardinals on Sunday Night Baseball. You know, if gambling were legal.