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Roman Reigns is one of the most dramatic, divisive and discussed WWE performers in history. The company makes desperate play after desperate play to make him your favourite graps guy – with limited success. How do they do it? What do they do?
I’m Tom Colohue and this is the Monday Night Reigns-o-Meter.
Now me, I’m your friendly neighbourhood Reigns-o-meter; purveyor of joy, mirth, and frivolity. However, today I come bearing bad news. Christmas is cancelled. Tomorrow is doomed. Do not celebrate good times, come on. The sky is falling. The end is nigh.
Roman Reigns is hurt. Run for the hills; it’s all over. It’s okay to cry.
The great evil that is Paul Heyman, the big bad, the monster, the destroyer of worlds, the reigning, defending, of no that’s not him. Heyman. You know, that guy. He did this! With his usual combination of blood, sweat, and tears, Heyman hoodwinked us by giving us the best Raw segment in months. What a cruel, vindictive mastermind he is to give us something good and then take it all away just like that.
If you enjoyed Raw last week you should know that you were tricked. The wool was pulled over your eyes. They got you. Now, however, the trap closes. Paul Heyman, undoubtedly amongst the most accomplished talkers in wrestling history, combined with the timeless physical prowess of Brock Lesnar to provide were able to put down the biggest of large dogs.
Now I have to ask, does Roman Reigns deserve this? For so long he’s been a hard worker. He even parties with The B-Team and helped to record their entrance music maybe. This is what a hero looks like, dear reader. A big, sexy hero and yet he continues to get beaten up by all and sundry. Braun Strowman, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Braun Strowman, Bobby Lashley, and Braun Strowman to name a few.
Are we going to see a B-Team and Roman Reigns faction against a Jason Jordan led Shield soon? No. We’re not. Breaking news: That’s not going to happen. But if it does, you heard it here first.
Roman opens the final hour; undoubtedly the hook designed to keep people watching until the very end. He gets a loud and audacious reception. Jo Jo asks the fans to welcome Roman, which they each do in their own unique way. He poses in front of his Roman Empire banner; something he hasn’t mentioned for three years and seems unlikely to mention again. Even the Cenation gets only passing mention. I was always a Testicle myself.
The crowd is hot for the whole segment; in a way, that is rare for anybody these days. Some boo. Some chant “What?!” Some cheer. Some film on their cell phone. Some just quietly admire the specimen of Vince McMahon-branded manhood in the ring before them. Roman tells the crowd he’ll take back the Universal Championship – something he’s never held – and makes a very welcome comment on Dana White’s rectum.
At this point, though, the top babyface of Monday Night Raw arrives in the form of non-wrestler Paul Heyman. He hits all his catchphrases and panders to the crowd by telling them something they already know: Usos rock.
What follows is a masterclass in how to make yourself vastly unlikeable. First, Heyman tries to make friends with the most hated man in wrestling, Roman Reigns. He goes so far that a crowd is chanting “Yes!” at the idea of Roman Reigns shaking hands with Heyman. Just like that, the world was offered to Vince McMahon on a plate. A Roman Reigns heel turn. Put Paul Heyman with Roman Reigns and watch endless glory and popularity be visited upon the top dog in the WWE.
I bet Vince was in the back screaming for Roman to just call an audible and shake that hand. Unfortunately, he did not. He accuses Paul Heyman of “drowneding” and gives him the line that WWE uses to fire people.
So far, so good, right? Then it gets weird. Paul Heyman gets personal in the Samoa Joe style. He goes right for the heart, like last week only without tears. Then he plays his final trick, offering Roman a contract to look at before spraying the hell out of his eyes. How evil, how cruel, how merciless.
And this is when the sky started falling. This is when the walls started to break down. Roman’s eyes were burned so badly his blue contact lenses dissolved forever. Brock Lesnar’s music hit and the medic helping Roman ran for his life. Too late for Roman. As the two stood in the ring I officially called for the cancellation of Christmas. And then the beat down. Newly tanned and additionally svelt, Lesnar started throwing out his patented submission holds as Paul Heyman casually watched on.
Why he didn’t break the arm like Shawn Michaels did, or like Starlord should have done to Thanos, I have no idea. Let’s not wish any more ill on Roman though, yeah? Even after Lesnar started leaving, he came back to offer more destruction.
And just like that The Great Heyman Lie of 2018 was completed, ready to stand it’s place in time alongside The Montral Screwjob, Steve Austin’s Heel Turn, and that most legendary of Hell In A Cell matches, The Undertaker vs. Shane McMahon.
– Paul Heyman
– Brock Lesnar
Did Roman Reigns beat the odds?
Mauled, mate. Mauled.
Here’s to the next 280 days, champ.
Here's to the next 280 days, champ. pic.twitter.com/9jG1rd5qLI
— Tom Colohue (@Colohue) August 14, 2018
— Tom Colohue (@Colohue) August 14, 2018
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S COLUMN: MONDAY NIGHT REIGNS-O-METER #72: Tracking Roman Reigns’s ability to beat the odds and come out on top