We are LIVE at the McNeill North American Command Center for this live blog of Money In The Bank 2016 on the WWE Network.
I just got back from a Las Vegas sized dinner with my sister, brother in law and two small nephews. The nephews are six and four years old, respectively, and they are NOT low energy. Happy Father’s Day.
And I switch on the Network in time to watch Seth Rollins blow out his knee. Fortunately, it’s a replay from this fall. He didn’t do it again.
Generic Las Vegas footage. Great. Let’s kick things off with a guy who always dresses for Vegas. No, not Lawler.
My name is Pat McNeill. I am a certified CompTia A+ Computer Technician, and a bonafide PWTorch columnist. And you can’t…teach…that.
Bada-boom, lamest jokes in the room. How you doin’?
Fatal Four Way match. Big E. refers to the six challengers as “you people”. Hello, you people.
Xavier Woods’ Chewbacca impression sounds a lot like my Julius Smokes impression. (Yeah, I said it.)
Cole makes a Matt Bloom/big head reference. Don’t worry, Michael. I get it. I get jokes.
“@ChadFromAlbany: Didn’t ever think those intros would end.” That’s why they call it World Wrestling Introtainment.
Cole points out that Aiden English has worked on Broadway. So, he’s used to working in front of smaller crowds and getting paid more?
That sure as hell looked like a three count when Enzo hit the rocket launcher. Enzo came up with a unique counter for the Trouble in Paradise called “Tripping Over The Other Guy And Blowing The Spot”. I’ll bet I could have done that.
Everyone hits a big move and Kofi Pins English. The champs are still the champs, and I’m sure Gallows and Anderson get another shot next month. That works.
Tom Phillips interviews Kevin Owens. Phillips looks like he’s waiting for KO to steal his lunch money and give him a swirlie.
Jericho and Del Rio interrupt Owens. Owens tells the writers…I mean, Jericho & Del Rio, that they need to come up with new material. Jericho comes up with a new pun on the fly and, yes, it’s awful. (But you, you already knew that.)
Time for Dolph Ziggler and Baron Corbin, currently in Match 18 of their best of 99 series.
Cole tells Jimmy Crackcorn that Baron Corbin is 6 foot 8, 275 pounds and a former Golden Gloves boxer. Jimmy Crackcorn and I don’t care.
Did You Know? When the fans chant “Baron” and “Corbin” at the same time, it almost sounds like they’re chanting “Bo-ring!” (See what I mean?)
I’m goofing on Corbin, but that blown Famouser into a Deep Six spot was a thing of twisted beauty. Kudos for that.
End of Days. Corbin wins. I’m not going to hit any of my picks tonight, am I?
Gold Bond wishes the audience a happy Father’s Day.
Despite those outfits and their current location, Charlotte Flair and Dana Brooke will not be performing their tribute to the Sweeney Sisters tonight.
Charlotte & Dana vs. Becky & Natalya. I actually had a more pressing question. Where the hell is Sasha Banks?
Charlotte pins Natalya with Natural Selection, because people were taking Nattie seriously or something.
Then, all of a sudden, Nattie goes all monkeypoop upside of Becky’s head. Poor Becky.
But I’m sure we’ll be talking about that inevitable Becky vs. Natalya matchup on tomorrow night’s Livecast w/ James Caldwell and myself. 11:30 PM Eastern.
Tom Phillips asks Dean Ambrose to explain his strategy for tonight’s match. Ha! That’s a good one, Tom!
Next match is Apollo Crews vs. Sheamus. If Sheamus actually wins this one, call London and bet the house against everyone else I picked for tonight.
If I were in Vegas, I would have already started chanting “Work the chin-lock” at Sheamus. (Who am I kidding? If I were in Vegas, I’d actually be at the craps tables at the Orleans.)
Sheamus takes a belly-to-belly over the top rope. So, really, what happened here? Did Sheamus miss a workout without calling Hunter first?
Sure enough, Crews pins Sheamus with a crucifix slide. Tune in tomorrow, when Sheamus puts over Jack Swagger on Superstars.
Ad for next month’s WWE Battleground. I have a question. Where can I get my Seth Rollins battle flag? WWEShop?
Let Us Take You Back to last month when AJ Styles turned on John Cena. Cena really IS the Sting of this generation.
John Cena vs. AJ Styles. Come on, switch away from the basketball game. Nothing happens until the 4th quarter anyway.
Okay, now the crowd is awake. So far, Cena is losing on cool points to a guy with a Meg Ryan haircut.
Styles goes for a suicide dive, and Cena maybe moved out of the way a second too soon, and that looked ugly. Then again, painful looking spots seem to be the trend tonight.
Styles gets to the ropes to escape the STF. Cena makes the ropes to escape the Calf Crusher.
AJ kicks out of the Attitude Adjustment. JBL tells us
“You get one chance at a dream match like this”. If you think we’re only getting one chance at this match, you’ve missed the last 40 years of WWE booking.
Cena kicks out of the Styles Clash. Of course.
Springboard 450 by AJ, but Cena gets his knees up. And…down goes the ref. In come the Clubbing Bullets. Down goes Cena. AJ Styles is your winner.
Even JBL thinks that was a screwjob finish. A lot of the audience members don’t seem to care.
And if you want to rid yourself of the stench of a bad finish, try Ultimate Gold Bond.
Remember, no matter what people on the internet say, this will be the greatest Money In The Bank match ever.
You’ll know WWE is serious about pushing Alberto Del Rio again when they bring back his freaking limo.
Ambrose and Owens seem like the crowd favorites here. Not that it matters. Jericho suplexes Ambrose onto the ladder for Bad Idea Number One.
Zayn hits Owens with an exploder. Owens lands with his ass in Jericho’s face for Bad Idea Number Two.
Cesaro eats a Del Rio double stomp onto a ladder for Bad Idea Number Three.
Cesaro swings Jericho into a ladder. Yup. Bad Idea Number Four.
Owens hits the bullfrog splash onto Ambrose onto a ladder. That should count as Bad Idea Number Five.
Zayn gives Owens a Michinoku Driver onto the side of a ladder. You know, those other Bad Ideas are looking good by comparison.
They’ve built a ladder bridge. This can’t possibly end well.
One ladder tips over. Del Rio tries to bounce off the top rope on his way down. That ends about as well as you’d think.
Owens powerbombs Zayn onto a ladder, The ghost of Rube Goldberg is screaming for the referee to stop the damn match. Ambrose finally knocks off Owens and takes the case.
Up next is our US Title match, with Rusev defending against Titus O’Neil, The Greatest Dad Ever. I fully believe Titus can beat Rusev. Then again, I believe that comic book heroes walk the earth.
Rusev wins and tells O’Neil’s kids their dad is a loser. What an inspirational story this is.
Cut to our announcers. I forgot to ask Byron Saxton if that shirt comes with a University of Oregon football jersey.
Time for the big main event video package. We’ve actually waited thirteen months for this match, so I thought I was ready. Until I saw Seth Rollins’ ring gear, that is.
You know, I have the awful feeling we’re going to run long tonight. Maybe that’s because there’s EIGHT MINUTES of pay-per-view time left.
The announcers talk about the greatest fights in the history of Vegas, and JBL namechecks WrestleMania IX. Okay, that’s funnier than anything I’m going to come up with.
I just figured out that WWE held the start of this match until the basketball game ended. Yes, I’m that slow.
The main event is happening. Will we see our double turn tonight? I mean, officially?
BREAKING SPOILER ALERT: The “Battle of The Bastards” is over. LeBron won.
This match is…kinda, sorta…not what we were hoping for. I mean, we’ve escaped each other’s big moves, and had some very near falls and it’s just…good.
And now we kick in to that extra gear. Okay, this was just New Japan style pacing.
Gotta admit, I wasn’t expecting a 60 minute time limit draw here. Bold move, WWE.
Just kidding. Roman eats a barricade. They tease a ref stoppage. Rollins hits one Pedigree. Then another. Seth Rollins is WWE champion again. Wow.
And here comes Ambrose to cash in. Double wow. Dirty Deeds. Another new champion. Dean Ambrose has the WWE title. What the hell did I just watch?
Alright, we’ll try to make sense out of it all in a few minutes. Join James & Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com in a few minutes, then VIP members can tune in to the Roundtable in about an hour. Good night, everybody!