5/3 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Miz obsessed with Fantasy Football while Maryse wants sexy time, Cats & Dogs, Nikki’s new finisher

By Sarah K., PWTorch contributor


MAY 3, 2017

We start at Chateau Miz & Maryse where Miz is attempting to remove a knot from a chain. I’ve made my boyfriend perform this task before. Never claim to have awesome dexterity in front of your girlfriend; she will remember. They’re discussing going on the honeymoon that they never had. By the end of the segment the Miz has still not tackled that knot.

We transition to the Bella Twins in a car. “Finally met up with this one, she looks like a B,” says Nikki, which she records on her phone and then plays back repeatedly… like a 12 year old. The twins are on their way to an agent for dogs (yes, laugh). Nattie is meeting them there. She’s inserted herself into the meeting on the basis that she talks about her damned cat every five seconds. Anyway, Brie Bella thinks she’s going to get her dogs a deal to pimp merchandise. Nikki seems to think it’s shameful that Nattie has showed up and she’s talking about her cat like she’s a dance mom… as if there’s a difference between what they’re both doing other than that Nattie is much more into it than they are.

The never-ending ever-changing opening segment takes us to a match between Miz and Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown Live. Back to Nikki Bella – talking about her neck injury in generic terms as always. Her goal was to come back at Summerslam. I suppose I have to Google to see if that really took place. Next up: Miz, Maryse, Eva, and Jonathon in a small plane en route to Exuma, Bahamas for their dual postponed honeymoons. Maryse wants it to be a romantic time, the Miz talks about spear fishing… and fantasy football.

Moving on, Nattie is talking to Renee about her cat’s Instagram. “Blue is the most marketable dog that ever strutted his fat little ass over Instagram,” says Renee. They both discuss marketing their pets. Back to Miz and Maryse. Maryse is ironing and Miz is committed to fantasy football. He has an outfit for it, like a football outfit. Miz explains drafting a team. Oh god, this segment is still going, with Nikki Bella and whether or not she’s getting back on TV. It’s the big teaser. Of course, this actually happened last August, thank you Google, because, yes, Nikki Bella returned at Slammerslam and then had her big comeback in a generic feud with Carmella. Does anyone remember the blow off match? Or how it was then converted into a feud with Nattie? Or that Nattie ultimately won that feud? What? No? Because the people who watch this show don’t actually watch wrestling? Of course. We still have 43 minutes to wonder if and when Nikki comes back (ten months ago).

Back from commercial, it’s the teaser from YouTube segment with Brie and Nikki backstage. Yes, Nikki got cleared. It will take a week for Nikki to find out if she’ll be on Raw or Smackdown – because that’s how important she is in the grand scheme of things vs. how she’s presented in the alternate reality of this show. Anyway, moving on to Nattie going to visit Rosa and her husband Bobby Schubenski. Bobby does merchandising marketing. He designed the 2 Pawz t-shirt. Nattie is very proud that they sold 500 in the first week. They discuss new merchandising opportunities. We transition to Miz, Maryse, Eva, and Jonathon on vacation. They’re at dinner. Miz is excited that they have WiFi so that he can do his fantasy football thing. It’s awkward because they’re at a dinner table, everyone else is looking at the menu. Miz continues to blather on about fantasy football.

Nikki talks to one of the trainers. She has to retire the “rack attack” as a result of her neck injury. She needs to come up with a new finisher. Back in the Bahamas, Miz is in his football outfit drafting his team. Maryse wants to have some sexy time. He’s oblivious to her needs (and yet still not as robotic as John Cena). Back at the Performance Center, Nikki is going to train in the ring with Bayley. She’s trying to come up with a new finisher. She’s thinking about doing a submission move as her new finisher. Ten months after her comeback and after countless Nikki Bella matches on SDL, I don’t remember what the hell her new finisher is, LOL. “If I can’t do all this powerful movement in the ring that I’ve been known for, who is Nikki Bella?” Nikki bemoans. She’s the one with the meaningless word drawn out of a hat at random “fearless” gimmick, with big fake tits, who does stripper moves on her way to the ring. That’s who Nikki Bella is to me, besides the heel-face-heel-face turns, but I digress… This show has it’s own alternate reality. I wonder if some lady named Kellyanne gets a production credit.

Dean Ambrose makes his cameo 30 minutes into the show. Renee and Dean meet Nattie at a restaurant. Nattie now has seven cats. “The cool thing about Blue is that he doesn’t need outfits to get over.” This is Renee’s passive-aggressive comment… because her dog has an Instagram and I guess people care? Renee thinks her dog is ready for an endorsement deal. This is the other teaser from YouTube. Renee also talked to Bobby about getting t-shirts made of Blue. Nattie thinks Renee stole her idea. Nattie walks off in a huff.

Back to Exuma, Bahamas, Miz and Maryse have an awkward moment. Maryse is pissed about how much time Miz spent on fantasy football. Maryse is not talking to Miz. They go down to the water where there is a gathering of sharks. Abruptly we move on to Nikki Bella training with Nattie and some MMA lady named Shana, who is billed as Ronda Rousey before Ronda Rousey. Nikki is hesitant about adopting a submission as a finisher since she feels she’s known for powerful moves (alternate reality fact). I still don’t remember her new finisher, because I know her as the holdover from the Diva-pillow-fight era, and that’s who she’ll always be to me – new finisher or not.

Back from commercial, Brie and Nattie are in a cafe where Nattie dishes about Renee stealing her idea. Brie points out the situation is similar to when she invited herself to their dog agent meeting. Nattie agrees. They thinking putting a 2 Pawz shirt on Dean would be a fun form of revenge? Yeah, I dunno. Back to the Bahama vacation, the couples are on a boat. The men want to go spear fishing, the women want to do romantic stuff. Oh, hey, they’re out of gas. Maryse doesn’t want to go spear fishing; she really wants to swim with the pigs.

Still in the Bahamas, the couples are still on the boat. Miz is trying to make Maryse laugh with Forest Gump references. The men are getting their spear fishing on. We’ll see if this is successful. Evidently this is hard. Eva and Maryse go in the water. Maryse nabs a lobster (she also sets it free). So, Nattie is going to apologize to Renee. She does this by telling Renee that she hates dogs. We get the standard arguments about the downside of both cats and dogs. And no segue to Nikki Bella, who’s at the Performance Center not into doing a submission finisher. She gets a pep talk from Brie on the phone. Nikki feels like, “I’m meant to be a power house, and I just don’t want to lose that.” The alternate reality is strong to the one who does the stripper dance (still) on the way to the ring.

In other news, Christian Dior has a perfume commercial where they use a snippet of Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart.” The juxtaposition of where those two famous things actually exist in the echelon of pop culture amuses me. Anyway, back to the Bahamas. The vacation is finally all about romance. Maryse is finally going to swim with the pigs. They appear to be domesticated pigs, so they’re very well behaved. Everyone is finally happy on vacation. We also get the scene with Maryse on the beach with all the lizards. They draw two hearts in the sand. “He can do very romantical things. Is that not a word? It’s French.” Maryse says of the Miz to wrap up the vacation segment.

And back to Nikki Bella’s comeback (ugh). She’s going to work on a new finisher. Nikki would tell us her new finisher, but she won’t, because we’re going to have to wait (until August 2016) to see it… with our time machine.

Teasers for next week is everything it’s brother, and it’s dog in 15 second clips. So, Eva will be suspended and Brie gets pregnant.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 4/26 Total Divas: Rusev and Lana’s wedding in Bulgaria, Nikki turns down “Dancing With the Stars,” Eva talks about food with her dad

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