SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Don’t forget to join Greg Parks and me on PWTorchLivecast.com immediately following “Great Balls Of Fire”.
Seth Rollins tells Mike Rome that Bray Wyatt’s worst enemy is “the truth”. But R-Truth isn’t booked for tonight, so Seth’s fighting Bray instead.
Remember, you can follow this conversation via social media by using the hashtag #IHaveGreatBalls.
Renee Young giggles when saying “Great Balls of Fire”. I figured she’d crack first, since she’s batting leadoff.
Dana Brooke joins the panel to break down the Sasha vs. Alexa match. Let’s just say she’s not getting a podcast with Conrad Thompson.
Emma comes out to give Dana the hook. She doesn’t take the hint. God bless Dana.
Later tonight, Paul Heyman joins Charly Caruso in the Social Media Lounge. (Sorry, Charly.)
David Otunga reminds us he held the WWE Tag Team Titles with Curtis Axel. I completely forgot that happened, and I’m not ashamed of that fact.
Paul Heyman won’t sit down, in case Samoa Joe is planning to attack. I love Paul thinking he can outrun Samoa Joe.
Heyman talks about Samoa Joe as though he’s Hugh Glass, and Samoa Joe is the bear from “The Revenant”.
Vic Joseph is out to call the Cruiserweight title match. (Vic’s the new play-by-play guy for “205 Live”, for the 98% of you who don’t know.)
Neville vs. Tozawa. This must be unusual for them, wrestling a title match in front of a crowd that isn’t drifting toward the exits.
Titus is celebrating Tozawa’s offense like a maniac. It must be time for Titus to screw it up. Tozawa hits the senton, but Neville rolls outside the ring.
Neville hits a low blow and a thrust kick for the win. Titus is angry with the ref, but he’s not angry enough to get on “Friday Night Tykes”.
Should I order the WWE Network or not? I hope Renee, Peter & David have the answer.
Good video package hyping the main event. Let’s start the main show.
We hope everyone enjoys “Great Balls of Fire”, no matter which drive-in you’re watching from tonight.
What’s the theme song for this month’s WWE pay-per-view? I forgot.
Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt is the opening match. Really? That’s optimistic.
Bray Wyatt says he’s inside Seth Rollins’ head, and that Seth Rollins doesn’t believe in him. Do WWE promos have editors?
We’re joined tonight by our German announce team of Gunter Glieben & Glauchen Globen.
Rollins has to be a little distracted, wondering why Bray Wyatt has bungee cords in his dreadlocks.
Booker: “You guys, this is called a courting period”. (Silence.)
(For a transcript of Booker T’s commentary tonight, send $8 and a stamped, self-addressed envelope to…someone else.)
“Wyatt’s going to that unholy place…” Fort Worth?
Bray wins after a thumb to the eye. It would be on the one show I didn’t predict someone using that finish.
“Battleground” will be brought to you by WWE Brand Face Paint. WWE Face Paint: These colors don’t run.
The Hardys are ready for their 30 minute tag team iron man match. (Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a Snickers.)
Matt & Jeff are taking tonight’s bout seriously, because…these guys work pretty stiff.
Enzo vs. Cass is on deck. Unless Enzo gets knocked out backstage beforehand. It happens in every third Enzo match.
You know, at least Sting waited a month or so before letting the same guy turn on him twice. I’m just saying…
Enzo Amore tells us “That’s Life” by Frank Sinatra is his favorite song. Shockingly, the Dallas crowd doesn’t know the words.
Enzo invites Cass to come out for the match and stomp his dreams. SPOILER: Cass’s new finishing move is called the “Dreamstomper”.
Enzo’s been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn & a king. He’s been up and down and now he’s a grease spot in the ring.
Cole wonders where Cass’s anger at Enzo is coming from, proving once again that he doesn’t watch the show he’s announcing.
Yeah, Big Cass won. Maybe if Enzo had quoted from “High Hopes?”
The Kurt Angle episode of “WWE 24” is guaranteed to be a better story than anything in development at WWE Studios.
Hardys vs. The Barr in an iron man match. (I figure that’s the correct spelling of Sheamus/Cesaro because…the Corre.)
So, you know how nothing ever happens in the opening minutes of an iron man match? I didn’t even have time to get ice.
The crowd is chanting for someone named “Brother Nero”. Is he in developmental?
Booker T explains that Jeff Hardy is trying to slow down the match. Because Jeff is being coached by Les Miles.
Sheamus & Cesaro go up two falls to none. Whatever you do, Kevin Dunn, don’t show those last couple moves in slow motion.
Cole thinks The Bar’s 3-1 lead is “insurmountable”. Come on. These are the Hardy Boys, not the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Booker tells us Jeff Hardy is a professional. Seconds later, Sheamus attacks Jeff from behind and pulls Jeff off the apron.
Twist of Face off the top rope by Matt. (That’s not a typo. Look how Sheamus landed.)
Booker says if the match ends in a tie, there should be a sudden death fall. Mr. McMahon screams up “Shut up, Booker!” so loudly Booker doesn’t need a headset.
So yeah, Cesaro & Sheamus win this, four falls to three. The feud is over, unless WWE can’t come up with new challengers by this time tomorrow.
Xavier Woods…blah blah…Rocket League…blah. John Cena will fight Rusev in a flag match in two weeks.
Up next, Alexa Bliss and Sasha Banks compete for the WWE Women’s Title…in a drag race. (What? No good?)
Did You Know? Bayley once held the WWE Women’s Title.
Alexa Bliss fakes a dislocated shoulder to sucker Sasha in. Apparently she’s double-jointed. I don’t know how she got that one by the talent relations people.
So, Alexa Bliss is in trouble, and she takes the countout loss. I can’t shake the feeling I’ve seen this somewhere before. Like, three weeks ago.
Sasha catches Alexa on the ramp, then hits Double Knees to Chesty from the announce table onto Bliss. Okay, that part was new.
BREAKING NEWS: Akira Tozawa speaks English.
Time for the Intercontinental Title match. Miz comes to the ring with the tin man and the scarecrow, but that woman definitely isn’t Dorothy.
It’s Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas…Who else was in the Social Outcasts?
“This is the pace Miz wants”. Glacial?
You know, we need to keep adding members of Adam Rose’s posse to the Miztourage, and see how long it takes before someone picks up on it.
If you’ve just joined us, this has been a FANTASTIC night for the babyfaces. Maryse puts Miz’s foot on the ropes, which the referee somehow missed, even though he’s staring right at it. Then Bo Dallas interferes. Miz for the win.
WWE Network: When I tell you to jump, you say “How High”?
And now, a trailer for “How Not To Get Fans To Cheer Roman Reigns, In 15 Easy Lessons”.
Reigns vs. Strowman in an ambulance match. I hope his wrestling career doesn’t distract Braun from the outstanding job he’s doing in the US State Department.
Roman Reigns is on his way to the ring! He brightens your colors. He slices, he dices, he provides Whole-Home Cleaning Power!
Graves thinks Strowman could decapitate Reigns with the ring steps. Caucasian, please.
Okay, who put all that stuff inside the ambulance? And why aren’t Reigns and Strowman using…? Oh. Never mind.
Reigns pushes Strowman through part of the video wall. Reigns tries to spear Strowman and literally throws himself into the back of the ambulance. Braun wins. Well, *I* laughed.
Reigns gets his heat back by escaping, putting Braun into the back of the ambulance, and ramming the back of the ambulance into a truck. Nobody seems to care about Braun’s fate until Kurt Angle shows up and raises hell.
Braun Strowman’s been in a serious accident and may be dead. Okay. Let’s go to Heath Slater vs. Curt Hawkins in the swing match!
We interrupt this wrestling match to bring you a special presentation of “WWE 24: The Jaws Of Life”.
Strowman exits the ambulance covered in blood, as if he’d been booked on WCW Nitro in 2000 when Vince Russo was dumping red dye on everyone.
Braun refused medical attention. Given that the original WWE rescue plan was Jamie Noble holding a crowbar, I can’t blame him.
Okay, the entertainment portion of the program is over. Time for Brock Lesnar vs. Samoa Joe.
The crowd is back. I guess they’re happy Braun Strowman is okay. Joe attacks Lesnar before the bell, and throws him through the Latvian announce table. He’s Vince’s perfect babyface.
Lesnar drags himself back into the ring. We’re on. Strike, strike, strike, strike, choke.
Brock makes the ropes. German suplex number one on Joe. Number two. Three. Sumbitch.
Low blow by Joe. The ref missed it. Shocking, I know. Brock kicks out. Coquina clutch. They’re going for an MMA feel, with Brock fighting the hold. Side Slam by Brock.
Lesnar misses a spear, recovers, and hits suplexes four, five and six. But Joe locks in the Coquina Clutch again. And Brock powers Joe into the F5 for the win.
So if you take two guys who act like fighters, you have them cut realistic promos and you make it look like a fight, you get a good match. How about that?
Okay then. Join Wade and friends for the VIP Roundtable. But join me & Greg Parks on PWTorchLivecast.com…right now.