Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It’s time for our Impact Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Scott D’Amore, Don Callis, Sonjay Dutt, the Court of Owls or the Log Lady. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. No Impact employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. A member of our studio audience will receive Hancock custom crafted redwood furniture. The Madeira collection is detailed with opulent sculptured lines and plump vinyl cushions for year-round outdoor enjoyment, from Hancock. Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or the National Football League is strictly prohibited.. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by Dillard’s. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. My projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Impact Wrestling. (Of course, I’d be wanting to get paid up front.)
Scott D’Amore and Don Callis have put in a lot of hard work trying to construct a consistent narrative for Impact Wrestling. A lot of talent has come and gone from the company in the past year, which doesn’t help. You know what else doesn’t help? When your top heel gets himself fired right before the second biggest show of the year.
Fortunately, there’s enough talent between Impact and its affiliated promotions to cobble together a decent lineup. Will Redemption be better than the show Impact put on in New Orleans and streamed for free? It’s a tossup.
Time for this week’s Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on April 25, 1998, World Championship Wrestling presented an episode of WCW Saturday Night, taped in Mankato, Minnesota. This show opened with Glacier taking on Lenny Lane. Scott Hudson & Mike Tenay had the call. Enjoy.
What was happening in TNA ten years ago? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s revisit those thrilling days of yesteryear as we go back to TNA’s Lockdown 2008, which took place April 13, 2008 in Lowell, Massachusetts. That broadcast had a ladies tag team cage match, and it was Gail Kim & ODB taking on Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed. Huzzah! Mike Tenay and Don West had the call.
In case you missed it, here is the main event of the April 6th “Impact vs. Lucha Underground” show from New Orleans. The main event was a non-title triple threat bout of Austin Aries vs. Pentagon Jr. vs. Rey Fenix. How about that? Josh Mathews & Sonjay Dutt have the call.
Impact Wrestling Redemption 2018 will be recorded in front of a live studio audience. Josh Mathews and Sonjay Dutt should be back in the saddle as your announcers. Let’s do this.
Taya Valkyrie vs. Kiera Hogan: Kiera Hogan’s TNA gimmick is “Girl On Fire”, apparently playing off her resemblance to Jennifer Lawrence’s character in the Hunger Games movies. Taya Valkyrie’s gimmick is that she’s Taya Valkyrie. Projection? Valkyrie wins clean with the Road to Valhalla.
Aero Star vs. Drago: We are less than sixty days from Season 4 of Lucha Underground, so it is a perfect to see the renewal of a big LU rivalry. Projection? Normally, I’m a big fan of any wrestler named after an old Ford cargo van, but I’m not feeling it. Drago wins with the Mexican Destroyer.
Taiji Ishimori vs. Dezmond Xavier vs. El Hijo del Fantasma vs. Brian Cage vs. DJZ vs. Trevor Lee: This may seem like the same six-way X Division matchup we’ve seen on every Impact pay-per-view, but it isn’t.
(There are different wrestlers in this one.) Projection? The Machine continues his winning streak, putting away DJZ with a discus lariat. (Cage is being pushed heavily on Impact, DJZ is being pushed heavily in Evolve. You know how this works.)
Allie Bomb vs. Su Yung (Impact Wrestling Knockouts Title): Former Shimmer star Su Yung gets her shot at the Impact Knockouts Title on the pay-per-view. And why not? She’s been with the company for a month now (in storyline). Projection? Even with the evil Braxton Sutter at her side, Su Yung can’t get the job done, and the champion retains with the Allie Drop.
Eddie Edwards, Tommy Dreamer & Moose Ojinnaka vs. Dave Crist, Jake Crist & Sami Callihan (House of Hardcore Rules): You’d think Callihan winning an “I Quit” match in New Orleans would put an end to the Edwards-Callihan “You Broke My Face” feud. You’d be mistaken. Projection? Something, something, Edwards hits Callihan with a deep fat fryer and gets his revenge by scoring the fall.
LAX (Angel Ortiz & Miguel Santana) vs. Eli Drake & Scott Steiner (Impact Tag Team Titles): Scott Steiner is wrestling on pay-per-view. For many viewers, the sight of 55 year old Big Poppa Pump in a money match is worth the price of ordering the pay-per-view in and of itself. Any verbal exchanges between Steiner and Konnan will be a bonus. Projection? Drake hits the Blunt Force Trauma on Santana and we have new Impact World Tag Team Champions. That’ll give everyone a reason to tune in on Thursday.
Matt Sydal vs. Petey Williams (Impact X Division Title): This should be a good matchup. I know Josh Mathews is Sydal’s spirit guide or whatever, but Josh should stay at the announce table. Please. Projection? The champ retains by hitting Aftershock. Sydal is one act that deserves a nice sustained push in the Impact Zone.
Austin Aries vs. Pentagon Jr. vs. Rey Fenix (Impact World Heavyweight Title): You saw the first matchup. Can the lucha brothers coexist and take down The Greatest Man Who Ever Live in Orlando? Probably not. Projection? Fenix whacks Pentagon with a belt shot, but Aries tosses Rey and retains the championship by locking in Last Chancery.
Aftermath: Do the Drake/Steiner vs. LAX rematch next Thursday night. Feel the ratings.
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a PWTorch columnist since February 2001. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He’d take the Cleveland Cavaliers to beat the Indiana Pacers in tomorrow night’s NBA Playoff game. You know, if gambling were legal.