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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
DECEMBER 2, 2023
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness, Kevin Kelly
– Hey! Welcome to another AEW Collision Hits & Misses column, which is being turned in later than usual this week because my computer hates me. (That, or it passed and died out at the thought of Bryan Danielson wrestling with a broken face, which is normal behavior for Bryan Danielson, so I don’t know why it would.) To Mr. Keller and the wonderful staff at PWTorch (who, for some reason, still don’t hate me), I appreciate how understanding you are of my inability to do time right. To my readers who waited with bated breath to read this, I appreciate both of you.
COLD OPEN — MEGA-HIT
I’ve always liked these opening segments, but this week’s cold open felt especially effective. Here are some highlights:
– Andrade De Idol was given a new name, and it is forever now — no take-backs.
– Daniel Garcia said a bunch of stuff that I don’t remember him saying because his shirt was off.
– Bryan Von Pirateson said he doesn’t want a depressed Eddie Kingston or an Eddie Kingston who feels bad for himself because he wants Peter Pan.
– Claudio Castagnoli modeled a James Bond-looking suit, which is a suit that looks both immaculate and unChristian.
– Brody King modeled Krampus.
BRODY KING vs. CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI — HIT
This match told two stories. The first story was about me assuring my boyfriend that Claudio Castagnoli was going to beat his fav, and the second story was about crow.
JON MOXLEY’S DIARY — MINOR-MISS
Moxley is usually great at promos, but that one felt like I accidentally walked in on something very private that I wasn’t supposed to see and then didn’t leave the bathroom stall because when I said, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” he said, “That’s okay. It’s not a big deal,” and I took him at his word, but as it turns out, people are liars.
ABADON vs. KIERA HOGAN — HIT
Abadon, now in her Mechanical Animals phases, beat Kiera Hogan in four minutes to build her up street cred before she loses it all to Julia Hart.
JULIA HART AND ABADON COME FACE-TO-FACE — MEGA-HIT
Children of the Corn vs. David Bowie as The Nun is the horror movie of Eleanor Sabaduquia’s dreams, and I’m here for it. In a world where I’m in charge of everything, this feud would be a yearlong storyline, and Kevin Kelly would have to call it via interpretive voguing.
RODRICK STRONG INTERRUPTS SAMOA JOE — MINOR-MISS
Rodrick Strong has replaced AADDDAAAAM with JOEEE, and I guess we’re just doing name-Tourette’s now?
DANIEL GARCIA vs. ANDRADE DE IDOL — HIT
Daniel Garcia lost, and I hate Garcia had to lose, but I would have hated it if Andrade De Idol had to lose and someone had to lose, and now I’ve lost my train of thought.
DADDY MAGIC ON COMMENTARY — MEGA-HIT
“Garcia should take himself more seriously!” is exactly the kind of advice you want coming from a man named Daddy Magic.
Side Note: He also warned the cameraman, “Don’t film us too close; you pervert!”
WILLIE MACK CUTS A PROMO — IN THE MIDDLE
Willie Mack works here?
RODRICK STRONG ENTERS WITH MATT TAVEN & MIKE BENNETT — OH, BOY…
“DASSSHAAA!” is the new word of the day, and all three of AEW’s Adams must be relieved.
THE KINGDOM vs. THE IRON SAVAGES — MINOR-HIT
That was a lot of wrestling packed into two minutes.
That was also a lot of sexual innuendo packed into two minutes, and I don’t know why.
ETHAN PAGE CUTS A PROMO — HIT
Ethan Page works here?
Side Note: AEW needs to do a better job of keeping their audience (and possibly management) aware of who is and isn’t on their roster.
HOUSE OF BLACK vs. MATT SYDAL & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS — HIT
This was a good match, but again, the previous segment’s side note applies here, too. For example, including tonight, Christopher Daniels has only appeared on Dynamite and Collision three times in 2023, and it is December. Daniels is a living legend; however, if AEW wants its audience to treat him like one, AEW needs to treat him like one first. Audiences react by example.
FTR CONFRONTS THE HOUSE OF BLACK — IN THE MIDDLE
I don’t think that went down the way AEW wanted it to. FTR are two of the greatest wrestling artists to ever step foot in a wrestling ring, and despite that, they were swimming upstream this entire segment because they are being booked against the crowd’s natural instinct, which is to cheer The House of Black.
TONI STORM STEALS THE SHOW — MEGA-HIT
All of this.
I want more of all of this.
This needs to be on my television set all the time. I want Toni Storm cutting promos, wrestling matches, calling matches, calling shots, calling R.J. City and breathing heavily into the phone before hanging up, and, if possible, calling the 11 O’clock news so it isn’t depressing.
SKYE BLUE CUTS A PROMO ON TONI STORM — MINOR-HIT
Word-wise and charisma-wise, this was one of Skye Blue’s better promos. Her speaking skills are improving greatly, and she seems to understand her darker, more intense character better than her previous character, but she doesn’t seem to understand Toni Storm’s character. I would not call what Toni Storm is going through a “mid-life crisis.” The woman is literally throwing OTHER people’s shoes now! She is going through a brilliant, transformative, soul-cleansing renaissance!
Also, Toni Storm is in her 20s.
EL HIJO DEL VIKINGO vs. KIP SABIAN — HIT
This match told two stories. The first story was about me assuring my boyfriend this match was going to be spectacular, and the second story did not involve crow.
KEITH LEE FINALLY ANNOUNCES HIS MATCH AGAINST SHANE TAYLOR — MEGA-HIT
The only downside to this promo is learning I’m now going to have to pay for yet another PPV.
FINAL BATTLE IS AIRING ON HONORCLUB? — MEGA-HIT
MIRO & C.J. CONTINUE DOING THE WORLD’S SLOWEST DIVORCE — HIT
While I do wish Miro would wrestle more often, and while I admit that this storyline is cheesy AF, it is also fascinating to me. I’ve never seen someone get cucked by a wrestling match before, and now I get to see it every week! Plus, I feel like this is going to have a huge payoff when Miro eventually has to face one of C.J. Perry’s clients, and Perry decides to betray her own husband in the name of supporting that client whose name she can’t remember because why would she? She’s C.J. Perry.
Side Note: If there isn’t a payoff, or if that payoff involves a stuffed giraffe, I am no longer on board.
BRYAN DANIELSON vs. EDDIE KINGSTON — HIT
Bryan Danielson (with eyepatch/sans shoulder parrot) took on Eddie Kingston (without eyepatch/sans ability to see eyepatches), and as much as I love Danielson, I’m sure we can all agree (and by all, I mean me) that the wrong person won. It’s not that Danielson isn’t one of the greatest men to ever wrestle, it’s that he is doing so while not also being Eddie Kingston.
Side Note: The guy in the crowd with the “Eddie Kingston Is A Bum” sign can go Musk himself. When I say “LKAB,” I’m sure everyone knows what I mean (and by everyone, I mean my bestie, Aaron.)
The wrestling part of this episode of Collision was solid, but the “episode” part of this episode of Collision was just “fine.” Being “fine” isn’t always a bad thing, especially if you’re already doing great in the ratings and you’re packing arenas. However, given that the attendance for recent episodes of Collision has been on the lower side of what I imagine Tony Khan would prefer, and given that Collision’s ratings have consistently been under 500,000, AEW needs to be replacing descriptors like “fine” with “excellent” as often as possible.
That said, I think this episode of AEW Collision might actually see a slight increase in the ratings given that it was anchored by several good matches, and its main event was hotly anticipated by Eddie Kingston’s fanbase (and by Eddie Kingston’s fanbase, I mean me).
If you only have time to watch one match, definitely make it the Kingston vs. Danielson match. If you have time to watch two matches, check out Idolo vs. Garcia, and if you have time for a third match, I’d recommend watching Cesaro vs. King.
SHOW GRADE: B
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean it’s okay to not be Eddie Kingston.
(A picture of David Bryant balancing furniture on his face can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a Millennial-rific picture of a Starbucks Coffee cup can be found on David Bryant’s Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first magnetic-free magnet, which is also tape. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: Tony Khan says Ric Flair “is essentially paying us” to appear on AEW television