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Is everyone afraid?
Is everyone ashamed?
They’re running towards their holes to find out
Apocalyptic means are lost among our dead
A message to our friends to get out
– “Doomsday Clock” by Billy Corgan & Smashing Pumpkins
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from “Big” John Gaburick, Dave “I Want Wrestling” Lagana, Billy “The Creditor” Corgan or anybody else in Carter Country. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year’s supply of Werther’s Butterscotch Candies, classic chewy butterscotch treats that will swamp your tastebuds with sweet sensations. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by Destination XL. And remember, if you come within $100 of the actual retail price of your showcase, you win both showcases. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, assuming that promotion still exists by the time this article goes up.
There’s been a lot of speculation as to who will end up owning TNA Wrestling (or its pieces) within the next several days. I know people are rooting for “Smashing Pumpkins” frontman Billy Corgan, with Bob Mould coming aboard to provide guitar support and backing vocals. I, for one, am disappointed that Scott Coker’s consortium fell through. Oops. I said too much already. Let’s move on, shall we?
Time for this week’s Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on Oct. 5, 1996, World Championship Wrestling presented WCW Worldwide Wrestling (pre-taped) from the Disney/MGM Studios in Orlando, Florida. Your featured bout? Arn Anderson vs. Scott Norton. That’s good stuff. Tony Schiavone & Bobby Heenan have the call.
Here’s the opening match from TNA’s last pay-per-view, “One Night Only: Final Notice”. We take you to the Impact Zone in Orlando, where it’s Eli Drake & Sienna against Grado & Jade in a mixed tag team bout. Josh Mathews & D’Angelo Dinero are on commentary.
What was happening in TNA ten years ago? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s revisit those thrilling days of yesteryear as we go back to TNA’s Bound For Glory 2006, which took place October 22nd, 2006 in Plymouth Township, Michigan. That broadcast began with the “Kevin Nash Open Invitational X Division Gauntlet Battle Royal” Mike Tenay, Don West & Kevin Nash had the call.
TNA Bound For Glory will be recorded in front of a live studio audience. On with the show!
We’re probably going to need a seventh match here. My money is on DJ Zema Ion successfully defending the TNA X Division Title against Trevor Lee in an impromptu bout.
Tyrus vs. Robbie E vs. Jessie Godderz vs. Baron Dax vs. Grado vs. Mahabali Shera vs. Rockstar Spud vs. Braxton Sutter vs. Eli Drake vs. Basile Baraka (Bound For Gold Gauntlet Match): The Bound for Gold tradition continues, because all major TNA shows must have a gauntlet battle royal. It’s written in the TNA Charter Agreement Jerry Jarrett put together in 2002, and no one has ever bothered to change that. Projection? If would be funny to have Tyrus win another title shot, but I don’t see it happening. Let’s go with the only other reasonable choice, Eli Drake. Eli’s a-comin’. (And the cards say…a broken heaaaart…)
Michael Bennett vs. Moose This is the epic conclusion to the feud between former ROH wrestlers that has been building for, um, weeks? Projection? Moose misses an opportunity, Bennett hits the Miracle In Progress and a handful of tights to beat the former football standout.
Maria Kanellis vs. Gail Kim (TNA Knockouts Title): That’s right. You can’t have a TNA pay-per-view without a gauntlet match. In fact, I’m looking forward to the upcoming “TNA One Night Only: Nothing But Gauntlet Matches” pay-per-view in early 2016.Projection? Allie has had enough of Maria and finallly snaps, allowing Gail to hit Eat Da Feet and regain the Knockouts Title. Gail gets the big TNA Hall of Fame celebration she deserves.
The Decay vs. “Broken” Matt Hardy & Jeff “Brother Nero” Hardy (TNA World Tag Team Titles – Epic War): You’ve seen a few weeks of the Hardy Brothers Video Magic. So what do they have in store for Abyss & Crazy Steve? Drones? Gardeners? Brad Stutts? I have no idea. Projection? Matt pins Steve with the Twist of Fate somewhere in the general are of the ring, and The Hardys take control over the TNA World Tag Team Titles.
Aron Rex vs. Eddie Edwards (TNA Grand Championship – Decision Match): This was supposed to be Drew Galloway’s big feud for the big show. However, his injury puts Galloway out of action for tonight. Eddie Edwards has lost two championship opportunities in the past two weeks of TNA television, so he’s obviously the best choice to be Galloway’s replacement. Projection? The Helms Dynasty comes out to distract Eddie, allowing Rex to hit the Revelater and become Grand Champion. Drew can feud with Aron Rex over the title when he’s healthy again.
Bobby Lashley vs. Ethan Carter III (TNA World Heavyweight Title – No Holds Barred): The promotion actually did a good job setting up this main event, creating a situation where the stipulation actually helps the heel champion, and showing the consequences (rope breaks no longer count in this match). We’ve been waiting a year for Mr. Carter to take his place as the company’s number one guy. Of course, it’s impossible to EC3 to actually BE the number one guy unless the Hardys aren’t sticking around. But just in case… Projection? You know the deal. Carter survives all of Lashley’s holds without tapping, then somehow hits the One Percenter for the victory and the title. Mr. Lashley has some MMA dates to prepare for. He’ll be back.
Aftermath: I hope there is one. Good luck to the new ownership.
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a PWTorch columnist since February 2001. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He’d take the Pittsburgh Steelers over the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.