SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 12
APRIL 19, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with the Bella Twins at a cafe. I groan. Hey guys: Brie is a vegetarian and makes a big deal out of ordering a salad. That’s why people hate their vegan / vegetarian friends, besides the proselytizing. Then Brie and Nikki talk vaginas. Again, I groan. Brie can’t say progesterone correctly. I wish they weren’t every third segment of the show. Anyway, backstage at some WWE event, Eva is finally going to get an angle on TV. Anyway, we’re then backstage with the Miz and Maryse, establishing that Maryse could probably benefit from a visit to the eye doctor. Neville aids in the festivities by standing far away and holding up five fingers; Maryse guesses four. Then we move on to the Eva Marie gimmick, where she didn’t wrestle.
The never-ending ever-changing opening segment then brings us back to the Bella Twins (boo, hiss). It’s the segment from YouTube where Brie visits an acupuncturist. I’m not impressed by holistic medicine, so my brain taps out for this. Backstage somewhere Lana announces some opportunity (the charity event in Anguilla) to Rusev; he seems nonplussed. Meanwhile, the Miz and Maryse are home, and he needles the eyesight issue. He got her a card and wrote something really small on it so that she can’t read it. He’s also bought her a sack of reading glasses to try on. The point being if Maryse doesn’t want glasses or contacts, then she should try LASIK. Next – yes, this segment is still going – Paige is going to talk to Mark Carrano, Jerry Lawler has to be kicked out of the room so they can have some privacy. Meanwhile, in the ring, it’s the segment where Roman Reigns inadvertently pushed Lana into her wedding cake. Back to Paige, she’s been suspended because she took her Wellness Test late, this is announced as she makes a tearful phone call in a parking lot somewhere. And finally, we cut to commercial.
We’re back at Smackdown Live. Miz’s music plays for a Miz TV segment. Backstage Nattie gets her hair done and converses with Eva about her storyline. The Nattie farting storyline is brought up in passing. It should never be brought up again. Anyway, we move onto the Eva Marie storyline where she doesn’t compete.
So next up, Renee, Lana, and Rusev are in Anguilla to do charity work. Everyone starts this little adventure in a good mood, so you know it’s going to end with a weird fight. Christ, it’s the Bella Twins in a hotel room. Nikki has ordered Brie a cajillion salads to make some sort of point about iron in food. You know, iron comes in pill form, dummies. Apparently Brie is so committed to being a vegetarian that if she needs to eat meat to have a baby, then she won’t have one. This is why the meat-eating friends hate their vegetarian friends. Did I mention iron comes in pill form? I know this, ironically, based on my experiences with “lady problems.” So, the parts in this episode where the Bella Twins admit to learning about female anatomy at the age of 30 really don’t impress me.
Back from commercial, Renee, Lana, and Rusev are on the beach. I’m guessing we don’t see charity work while they’re in Anguilla for charity work. Anyway, the seeds of Lana and Rusev having a couples moment and this causing a tift are planted. Next up, Brie facetimes Rosa Mendez about Rosa’s status as a lapsed vegetarian. Guess what: Rosa took a shit ton of vitamins while she was pregnant. Brie seems a little crushed to learn this logical news. It’s like that time that the model at the photoshoot told her that you can in fact get your body back after having a baby – and Brie didn’t believe her either – but she has a world view where leaves and twigs and needles in specific parts of the body will cure everything that ails you. Yes, this is why us old conventional people hate hipsters, and how being vegan makes you a heel. Back in Anguilla, Naomi finally arrives. Lana wants to take pictures, Naomi just wants to go to her room.
We move on to Miz and Maryse. He mentions a photo that Maryse sent to him while he was in the gym. As it turns out, Maryse group-sexted. This is the impetus for getting LASIK.
The next segment is about Eva and her storyline. Nattie talks about being a fan before getting in the business. Miz and Maryse show back up to work, we get jokes about the inadvertent sexting. So, in the ring, Becky Lynch is supposed to face Eva Marie. This was the “wardrobe malfunction” match. Three weeks later and we haven’t seen Eva Marie on TV since. Oh, hey, Renee and Naomi are hanging out together doing shots while somewhere else Lana and Rusev are on a date. We get scenes of the two parties interchanged with each other. “Yay, conversation over,” Rusev exclaims after a particularly weird exchange between drunken Renee and Lana. Renee proves to be an obnoxious drunk, butchering her way through a “deez nuts” joke. It makes you wonder why Lana can’t just be happy to hang out with Rusev; it seems like a much better time.
Back from dinner, Renee and Naomi come back to the house where Rusev and Lana are sleeping. Renee thinks it will be fun to take a picture of the couple sleeping, and then scare the shit out of them by waking them up. It doesn’t exactly go as planned. I sigh; it’s a Bella twins segment about cryogenics. They exclaim about how great cryogenics is, and then some guy explains why it’s not good for getting pregnant (LOL). Oh yeah, the next scene is where Renee and Naomi are in the pool and they argue with Lana, this was on YouTube. It doesn’t paint the greatest portrait of Renee. Although if you watched it on YouTube, you may not have known that she was hammered… Kind of makes you yearn for the usual Total Divas Renee storyline where she tries to make Dean Ambrose look like a CPA.
The next morning in Anguilla, Lana announces to Rusev that she and Renee are no longer friends. Renee won’t eat breakfast with Lana and Rusev. She looks self-satisfied as she wanders outside. Rusev tells Lana to try to make up with her (SMH). Oh, hey, we finally get to the charity event. Everyone is all smiles and professional. The next segment is the Miz and Maryse going to get LASIK. Maryse is nervous. I’m pretty sure everything goes fine. Back from break Maryse gets LASIK surgery, the Miz watches from behind a window. Maryse admits it was quick and easy.
Then in Anguilla, Lana apologizes to Renee and Naomi. If this show were scripted by writers who understood plots, then Renee would be apologizing to Lana. Alas, it’s not. Renee and Naomi accept Lana’s apology. Anyway, post surgery Miz gets Maryse a new card, and this time she can read it.
Next week: Nikki can come back to Smackdown or be on “Dancing with the Stars,” Eva deals with her Dad who has cancer, and Lana and Rusev have some drama with their Bulgaria wedding.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 4/12 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 12): Pineapple on Pizza, Dean looks like a game show host, Darkness if only for Undertaker, Body Wraps