PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is fashionably late for The Biggest Party Of The Summer. Hopefully, he’s bringing the heat with him.
This night is going to last forever.
Last all, last all summer long…
“Heartache Tonight” by The Eagles, 1980
Your opener is Jason Jordan & The Woken Hardys against Miz & The Tourage. Miz is reportedly upset that he’s in a non-title match at SummerSlam. You know, like any good heel.
I think there were more people at the Progress show last weekend. But they’re filing in. Miz gets a blind tag and beats Jordan clean with his finisher. Good times.
Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins answer stupid questions from the fan…I mean, from the WWE Universe. One fan asks about a team name. Ambrose does not suggest “Memphis Hot Chicken”.
Vic Joseph gets to appear on the Kickoff Show for Akira Tozawa vs. Adrian Neville.
Nothing says “most exciting hour of television” like a long headlock.
Neville blocks the senton and wins with the Red Arrow. Shockingly, Titus didn’t cost Tozawa the match.
It’s Elias “The Drifter” Samson, Unplugged. He’s here to perform his new hit single, “Brooklyn Smells Like Ass”.
For a follow up, Elias plays “Eres Tu” by Mocadedes. Not a dry eye in the room.
Peter Rosenberg is wearing a Bobby Heenan tribute jacket.
The New Days and The Usos have the first ever “This is Awesome” match on a Kickoff Show. The challengers take down the champs one at a time, ending with the Double Ous on Big E. A second title change.
You know, sneaking all the heel victories onto the preshow was a good idea. The New Days and The Usos have the first ever “This is Awesome” match on a Kickoff Show. The challengers take down the champs one at a time, ending with the Double Ous on Big E. A second title change.
You know, sneaking all the heel victories onto the preshow was a good idea.
After a brief PSA about tagging, we kick off #SummerSlam with John Cena vs. Baron Corbin.
Let’s say hello to our Brooklyn commentary team of Vinnie Babarino and Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington.
That clip of Corbin getting rolled up by Jinder is always entertaining. Which is good, because they’ll show it 8,000 more times.
Cena wins clean with the Attitude Adjustment. Tune in next week, when his opponent is repackaged as MMA fighter Corbin Baroni.
We interrupt this broadcast of the Rocket League Mixed Doubles Tournament for a wrestling match. Naomi defends the Smackdown Women’s Title against Natalya.
Natalya has tied Trish Stratus’ record for most pay-per-view matches by a female. In other news, we have too many pay-per-views.
Naomi looks pretty good for someone whose gear was tagged by fluorescent clowns before the match.
Nattie wins clean with the sharpshooter.
For this next match, Enzo Amore will be placed in a shark cage. Surprisingly, no one put a shark in there with him.
Big Show vs. Big Cass. Show aggravates his injured hand on a side slam. The announcers would have mentioned it if they weren’t burying Enzo Amore.
Enzo courageously escapes the shark cage, and bravely jumps down to the ring, where he is courageously knocked out by the Andrew Martin Memorial Boot To The Head. Big Cass wins clean.
Rusev, wisely deciding to avoid facing Mr. Worst Match On The Show, attacks Randy Orton before the bell.
RKO Outta Nowhere. One, two, three. I TOLD you this would be Orton’s best pay-per-view match of 2017!
We would introduce you to our Antifa announce team and our Alt-Right announce team, but they’re fighting in the parking garage.
It’s The Bliss vs. The Boss for the Raw Women’s Title. Graves calls Alexa Bliss “cagey”. Since we’re in Brooklyn, I’ll pretend he said she’s “crafty”.
Banks kicks out of the Sparkle Splash. Bliss escapes the Bank Statement once, but not a second time. Sasha has the title again.
That commercial did not make me want to eat fried chicken.
Time for Bray Wyatt versus The Demon. You know, the great part about Finn Balor’s Demon character is how he wrestles a completely different style when he’s in the…ha ha ha. I knew I couldn’t finish that sentence with a straight face.
Finn gets the win with the Coup De Grace. Good stuff.
Ambrose & Rollins vs. The Brothers Of The Barre. Given that every other championship has changed hands so far, I’m not liking Cesaro & Sheamus’s chances.
This was awesome in every respect, with Ambrose & Rollins winning off a rare miscommunication between the Euros. Another set of new champs, and a storyline that’s tailor made for those three-hour Raws.
Up next, AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens. The main difference between Shane McMahon and his dad is that Shane’s referee shirts have sleeves on them.
Here we go with some overbearing officiating. Shane gets bumped by Styles where JBL thoughtfully explains that his boss is a terrible referee.
After teasing problems with AJ, Shane overturns an Owens victory because Styles had a foot on the ropes. You can guess how this ends. Finally, a title doesn’t change hands.
Jinder Mahal vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, complete with Funaki adding color. I appreciate the Japanese commentary, but I’d have rather had the prefight video package be narrated by Chairman Takeshi Kaga.
Somehow, both Singhs interfere without it being a disqualification. Mahal wins again, using the exact same formula. I have to admit, I never thought WWE would use a Nakamura to bring the crowd down before the main event.
On the bright side, we have five weeks before the next WWE pay-per-view.
Main Event time. Lesnar vs. Reigns vs. Strowman vs. Samoa Joe. Cole announces Strowman as the favorite, which means he isn’t.
There’s anticipation from the Brooklyn crowd. They don’t want to miss a single second of booing Roman Reigns.
Booker T actually points out that the fans hate Roman Reigns, and have for one year. This is why we can’t afford to lose Book on commentary.
Just a few minutes in, and Braun is tossing the former UFC champ around like a sack of cement. (No, I can’t toss sacks of cement. But Braun can.)
Strowman overturns the announce table on Brock. Chief Brody drops by to tell Braun “You’re gonna need a bigger table”. Brock does a stretcher job. He’ll be back.
We have stairs, and chokeslams, and chokes, and Lesnar comes back. Told you so.
Roman spears Brock. Brock kicks out. Strowman dropkicks Joe. Really. Braun kicks out of the Superman punch.
Roman hits one Superman punch. Two. Three. F5 by Brock! One, two, three! Our crowd gets top go home happy.
That’s the show. We’re on PWTorchLivecast.com, so go there now. Good night!