TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 5
DECEMBER 6, 2017
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
So, tonight’s show revolves around three plots: Rusev wants kids, Nattie marms her parents about their rental house, and will Brie Bella make a comeback?
The show opens with Jon and Trin arguing over semantics of glow and flow in the car… on their way to Sam’s Fun City. They play laser tag. Meanwhile, in San Diego, we’re stuck with the Bella Twins. I would have rather watched 47 minutes of laser tag. So, Birdee Bee photo shoot. They discuss people asking the both of them about when they’re going to make their comebacks. Yes, really. I’ll admit to listening to a sh– ton of podcasts pertaining to wrestling here, and I can’t think of a single instance where anyone who suggested that the women’s rosters were kind of thin on either Raw or Smackdown then launched into “if only we could get the Bellas back on TV.” Hell, Alicia Fox is actually active on the roster and in recent memory I can’t recall anyone proposing a potential storyline for her, either. Likely there’s a reason neither scenario has transpired. But in order for the Bella Twins to be relevant, we have to pretend like a large segment of the audience really misses them… Okay, that conversation had no depth, just look forward to Nikki trying extreme sports and Brie working on her comeback.
Moving along in the never-ending opening segment, Nattie has either bought or rented a house for her parents in Florida, so, she’s checking in on them like they’re children. Evidently the sink is plugged up with bacon grease. As a helpful tip, if you don’t have a garbage disposal and someone dumps grease down your sink – the way to evacuate the pipe is to heat up a pot of boiling water and pour that down the sink, which is helpful if you don’t have a plunger handy or anyone who knows how to use it. Also, not pouring grease in a sink should eliminate the problem. Moving along…
Smackdown is in Richmond, Va., so random backstage footage. There Nattie talks to Rusev about her spat with Lana from the last episode. Rusev apologizes on behalf of Lana. Anyway, Nattie is there to tell Rusev that she can’t show up for the “names day” party. Rusev conveniently had no idea that such a party was occurring at his house, so, so much for the surprise. Anyway, hours later Lana and Rusev leave the arena and subsequently discuss Nattie behind her back. This is slightly more subtle than your average Bella Twins angle on this show – slightly. They discuss this “names day party.” You’d best google it yourself, because as a person with a life I’m not retyping what can be found on Wikipedia. Evidently it’s like a birthday, so Lana asks Rusev what he wants, and after Lamborghini, his wish is for children. Of course, since Lana is a woman, then in order to have kids she’d have to put her career on the shelf, and that’s obviously an issue. Oh, mercy, it’s commercial time.
Back from commercial, Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss are in the car on their way to a pig farm. Yeah, okay. My grandparents lived 10 miles down the road from a pig farm when I was a child. There were times when we visited them in the summer where we didn’t go outside from the stench – that had blown 10 miles down the road, so, I can’t really imagine visiting a pig farm without the notion of the stench of a lagoon of pig feces, but go on Total Divas with this pig segment. So, Alexa picks out a deaf piglet. Okay. My last pet was a fish – a pig is well beyond my commitment level. So, next up, a Bella Twins segment where I’m supposed to believe that Nikki Bella has always wanted to be a skateboarder – largely because she can name two – yes two – skateboard moves.
Also, for a complete lack of authenticity, both Bellas are wearing helmets and every kind of pad imaginable. Sorry, I was once a teenager and also a preteen, I have zero memories of sk8ers (yes, I just typed that) wearing any of that crap. So, really, teenage boys and girls with parents who’re really encouraging their Tom boy tendencies are the target audience of the Bellas? Because honestly, who do two former bikini model thirtysomethings on skateboards appeal to? It certainly isn’t grown men. No segue, Alexa and Nia are in the car with the deaf piglet at a drive thru. Nia gets a bacon cheeseburger. I can’t blame her, but as I’ve mentioned, three out of my four of my sets of great grandparents were farmers, I have no illusions about what happens to livestock or any desire to own a livestock animal as a pet.
Sheamus then makes his Total Divas season 7 debut at Lana’s house. Yeah, if he had a three second cameo in some prior episode – I have no recollection. So, it’s time for the name day party. Anyway, Lana’s friends Bree and Darryl are there. Alexa and Nia show up. We get the moment where Lana suggests that Sheamus and Nia should have a kid. Lana suggests that she’s not ready for kids or they can have a surrogate. Rusev isn’t sure about the science involved… and commercial.
Obligatory Bella Twins segment (yes, I could live without them, and would like to). They’re going to the Del Mar Race Track on opening day. They talk to one of the jockeys. This is an excuse to talk about either of the Bellas having a comeback. Yes, sigh with me. Back to name day with Lana and Rusev. Yes, we’re on the boat. Sheamus does a cannonball. Rusev is distracted by the deaf piglet. Meanwhile in Tampa, Nattie stops by her parent’s house, presumably unannounced, with a carbon monoxide detector. She pesters her mom about a variety of things. She finds out that they have a dog. She’s pissed about the dog.
Back from break, Nattie and her mom drive up to where Jim Neidhart is in a golf cart with a German Shepherd. Anyway, back at the house the dog pees, Nattie is more pissed, and she leaves. And then it’s an obligatory Bella Twins segment, with them pining for wrestling again. Commercial.
The Bella Twins toast to their future success. According to them: 2018 is the year of the Bellas. Ugh. Moving on, Lana and Rusev have just gotten up and are discussing Lana having discussed Rusev’s desire to have a baby in front of their friends. Lana asks Rusev if he’ll still love her if she can’t or won’t have a baby. He’s a bit hung up on the word “won’t.” Yeah, guys, some women aren’t looking to have kids. It’s true, we exist. Meanwhile, Nattie stops back by her parent’s house. It turns out that her parents have come up with a landlord / tenant agreement, likely as a result of their grown daughter constantly treating them like they’re children. They read through the agreement. It turns out that everyone agrees to the terms, so, all is well in the universe. So, back to Lana and Rusev. Rusev has a new chair, and they discuss the having kids thing again. Lana has more reasons to not have kids. She wants children, she just doesn’t want them now. Rusev agrees to have children later. There’s some hijinks with the chair.
So, the last segment of the show is Brie Bella training for her big comeback. Nikki, Nia Jax, and Bryan are present for this moment. Brie realizes she’s out of shape. Somehow there’s a fantasy scenario where Brie would work a program with someone, and it’s important enough to come back before she’s truly ready. Yeah, okay, whatever.
Next week: There’s a bachelor party in Cabo, as is typical there is alcohol and an argument.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S ARTICLE: 11/29 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Brie delivers breast milk, Nattie and Lana squabble over match and promo quality, Barbie Doll empowerment history