SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 4
NOVEMBER 29, 2017
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with the Bellas and Daniel Bryan. Brie conveniently gets a text from her mom about a breast milk bank. Yup, it’s the kind of reality show moment that exists to remind you that a lot of this stuff is fake and not as good as a sitcom. Also, have I mentioned my general level of disinterest in the Bellas? Yes, of course I have. I have a cold, so I’m extra disinterested in this “Brie stresses out over donating to charity” storyline. I’m just saying: it will show.
Onto Chateau MarMiz. They return home to news that their house was broken into again (the third time in five years). They’re not discussing selling the house just yet. No segue, Brie and Bryan are in the care en route to the breast milk donation place. This is a clip on YouTube. We meet the parents of preemies Hector & Pablo. It seems a little awkward. Anyway, they want 100 oz. of milk. No segue and we’re backstage at Smackdown. Hey, Mark Carrano drinking game time. Yes, it’s Lana and Mark discussing Lana having more matches.They show footage of Naomi wrestling Carmella. No segue, so Miz, Maryse, and her mom go to a gun range. I don’t think she aced target practice, but she shot the target enough times. And cut to commercial.
So, Brie is going to Comic-Con. There’s talk about breast feeding. The Bellas demonstrate their lack of knowledge of anatomy. Seriously, teenage girls: get better role models, read a book, learn about science, anything. Moving on, Nia Jax and Bayley match footage. This segues into the Miz discovering that Maryse has put their house on the market. The Miz isn’t delighted to find out. This is also a clip available on YouTube.
So, at Comic-Con WWE is going to debut the WWE Barbie Dolls. This is a segment all about Brie, breast milk, and pumping. Ugh. Anyway, back to the dolls, Renee Young correctly identifies them as fashion dolls. Thank you. I had like 30 Barbies (and like three Kens and a Kevin — Skipper’s cohort) as a child. So, I can’t wait to find out that a toy that I played with was somehow a “role model,” instead of a thing I did to pass time or because I was bored with my Cabbage Patch Kids and didn’t want to go outside and play… To be fair, Charlotte and Becky Lynch are also on the panel. Charlotte has to pretend to be interested in listening to this gobbledygook about how a Barbie Doll version of a wrestler is going to “break barriers.” Yeah, Brie Bella really said that. Ironically, pregnancy Barbie existed with I was like 11. Yeah, that was a real toy, and that was like the 1990s. Also, Rosie O’Donnell broke the body type barrier way back in 1999 with her Barbie Doll.
For the unacquainted, Barbie has been an astronaut, a teacher, a doctor, she has horses, wears bikinis, did aerobics, has been from every country on earth (those are the pricey ones), has been a ballerina, swimmer, princess, and even a line of fairies, oh, and Barbie had her own band called The Rockers. Oh yeah, so, I guess if you don’t know how many celebrity Barbies there have been (Christina, Britney, Vitamin C, the Olsen twins, and the OG of celebrity Barbies — Cher — oh, and Farrah Faucett had a Barbie too), then maybe wrestler Barbies seem novel? They’re not, but, Jesus Christ let’s have the dim-witted model wrestler, who likely never really played with Barbies as a kid, tell us all about what an empowering toy this is. I’ve already told you more than you wanted to know about Barbie, but for shits and giggles, my sister and I used to watch GLOW on Saturday mornings and we had our own pretend league of Barbie wrestlers. Yeah. Neither one of us grew up to be wrestlers or fashion models… so much for “empowerment.” You know, my sister has a Master’s degree in applied statistics, and I have an art degree. Thanks, Barbie!
Anyway, back to this breast milk donation thingy. Yes, Brie is all stressed out about making the goal. Moving along, Nattie, Nia Jax, and Carmella are gathered together to at least discuss the Mae Young Classic. They’re actually discussing Lana, who is incessantly texting Nattie about their pending match. She’s driving Nattie crazy. Lana arrives. Commercial.
So, back from commercial, Lana acts like Nattie was texting her incessantly. It gets kind of weird. At some point everyone is talking at once. Nattie is trying to impart that improving as a wrestler takes time. Lana is having none of it and just wishes that people would support her more. Nattie suggests that maybe Lana isn’t meant to be a wrestler. Lana’s retort is that Nattie’s promos suck. This is like 30 minutes into the show if you want to skip the breast milk nonsense. Nia Jax ends up getting in Lana’s face. Things are bleeped. Carmella tries to play peacemaker. Commercial.
So, in Brie and Bryan’s summer house in San Diego. Yes, that’s right, Daniel Bryan, the pretend environmentalist is killing the planet by being a rich person who has more than one house. But anyway, this is about breast milk, because what could possibly be more interesting? Oh right: ANYTHING. So, onto the Mae Young Classic, Mark Carrano appearance. Nattie bitches about Lana, saying that she can’t cut a promo. Like a wormy middle manager, Carrano basically tells Nattie to stop being catty and be a team player instead of actually addressing the issue or diffusing the situation in a way that would put Nattie at ease. Yeah, if you’ve ever had an HR issue, you know what I’m talking about. It’s your own fault for not being copacetic. And commercial.
They show footage of the Mae Young Classic. So, backstage somewhere are Nia Jax, Alexa Bliss, and Nattie, who are discussing Lana. This doesn’t really resolve anything, other than Nattie doesn’t want to go back to the house after the event because she doesn’t want to deal with Lana. Meanwhile, at Chateau MarMiz – Maryse gets a call that they got a full-price cash offer for the house. Miz no-sells it for a few moments… oh, right, commercial.
And back from commercial, we complete the thought: Miz is delighted that they’re going to make a profit off the house. Allegedly, Miz is going to take the profits and go gamble in Vegas. So, everything technically ends well, at least until we have a future “House Hunting” episode. No segue, Brie drops off her 35 oz. of breast milk, it wasn’t the goal, but it isn’t nothing. Yay, everyone’s happy. Moving on to WWE Battle Ground. We get some John Cena footage. So, Becky Lynch, Tamina, Nattie, Lana, and Charlotte are having a Fatal Five-way match. As a wrestling fan, the multi-person competing for a singles goal match is something I can live without; every time I see one, I curse the name of ECW, but I digress. Commercial.
So, Tamina is eliminated first from the match, then Lana, then Becky Lynch, and Nattie pins Charlotte for the win. The show ends with weird staredown footage of Lana and Nattie. It seems edited; I really can’t say if I remember if that’s how it ended on the PPV. Anyway, that’s it for this episode.
Next week: Lana isn’t ready to have kids, Jim Neidhart is using marijuana oil as a sleeping aid and Nattie disapproves, random match footage and people drinking, oh, and of course, the Nikki Bella is looking for alternate careers, because who doesn’t want to see her at the X Games? SMH.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 11/15 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Naomi rebels by adding glam to her title belt herself, Bella forgets what a boulder is called