TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 3
NOVEMBER 15, 2017
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Tonight: Naomi will put some glow on her title, Lana is determined to still wrestle despite the fan reaction, and, ugh, the Bella Twins go on a road trip with an infant. The show opens backstage somewhere with Nia Jax asking Maryse if she’s ever played the “penis game.” The entire point is to say the word “penis” really loudly. Sigh with me. For whatever reason, Nikki Bella is at the iHeart radio awards in Toronto to introduce the concept of her and Brie going on a road trip. Off in Orlando we meet Carmella and Cass. This is the clip that was on YouTube. Unlike that time when Nikki Bella asked John Cena to rap her a song, Carmella sort of raps a couple lines while Cass beat-boxes. Carmella wants to move to L.A., because apparently she’d like to spend more on rent?
This is the never-ending opening segment, so, we move along to another clip you can see on YouTube – which is Naomi talking to Jimmy Uso about putting some glow on her title. She’s decided to do this on her own, without the approval of WWE. Next up is the Bellas and a baby backstage at Smackdown, where they run into Alicia Fox – you know, team Captain of the Raw Women’s Survivor Series… Meanwhile, Lana shows Nattie a picture of Naomi not fully pinning her in the match they had last week. Lana sees this as the way to forward her wrestling career. Nattie doesn’t think she should repost the pic, Lana ignores her advice. Anyway: John Cena’s entrance, because who’s the biggest diva of them all? We get part of a John Cena Fourth of July promo. So, back to Naomi and her glow title. She’s doing it herself, instead of going through creative because WWE drags its feet on certain things. Naomi realizes this may cause her to lose the title or her job, but she’s doing it anyway.
Back from the first commercial of the show, Alexa Bliss is piggy-backing on Nia Jax who is on a tricycle. Non sequitur. Anyway, Maryse and Carmella Facetime, Maryse invites her to Chateau Mar-Miz. Back to Naomi: She’s got her title back. It glows. Jon is somewhat less than enthused about what she’s had done to the title belt. In much less interesting news: The Bella twins begin a roadtrip with an infant. It would appear that the baby has pooped itself? That’s my best guess. Anyway, if you have a drinking game – Mark Carrano appearance. He drags Lana into an office to talk to her about the pic she reposted. Commercial.
Back from commercial, Carrano isn’t delighted, but Lana has gotten her way — and she gets another match with Naomi. Anyway, Lana walks out of the office to where Nattie is having a Grouch Marx perma-surprise eyebrow that’s twice as dark as her actual eyebrows painted on her face. Nattie is slightly less than delighted to learn that Lana’s getting her rematch. Meanwhile, in L.A. with Miz and Maryse, a gate at their house isn’t functioning, and Maryse has balloons. Anyhoo, Maryse got an 8×8 foot mattress for Big Cass. And then we’re back to this road trip. (sigh) Nikki points out a boulder, which she calls a bulldozer because she can’t remember the word. Teenage girls, you can do much much better if you’re looking for role models. Also, I’m sure there’s some footage of Nattie feeding a cat that they could have shown us. I would have rather seen that.
Anyway, they’ve stopped at a truck stop and Brie makes sure to make a big deal out of the fact that she’s going to breast-feed her daughter — AT A TRUCK STOP. Because who better to put out than the people working at a truck stop making minimum wage? I wonder if they know how f—ing clueless and entitled this looks? Because seriously, this is not a restaurant or a hotel lobby — IT’S A TRUCK STOP. As if a grown adult woman couldn’t sit in her own spacious SUV and breast feed. So, some poor customer service lady making minimum wage leads Brie off to a shower. Nikki is not delighted to be watching her sister breast feed at a truck stop shower room.
Moving on, Trin and Jon are at a cafe, where Trin will get a call from someone in WWE Creative regarding her now glowing title. Oh noes! Trin didn’t get the title approved, and now she’s going to have to face the music because someone posted a pic of her at a live event with the glowing title. Jon reiterates that he told Trin to ask first. He’s pragmatic about it; fortunately, they’re not the Bella Twins, so this doesn’t turn into a death feud over nothing.
Damn it, back to the Bella Twins road trip. Brie is attempting to play “I spy,” Nikki’s not into it. They’re going to try a “date shake.” It’s made out of dates. So, they share a date shake. Yeah, that was the whole thing. This is not worth the time it takes to watch. Anyway, Brie wants to do more of these lame attractions that they don’t sell for. Moving on to Chateau Mar-Miz, Carmella, and Cass arrive. We learn that the bed that Maryse ordered doesn’t fit in the house, so it’s sitting outside. Of course, Carmella and Cass got a hotel room, so, will they be honest or spend the night with Miz & Maryse. And we’ll find out later, because someone thinks that we care about the Bella Twins, who finally arrive at their destination. Big whoop.
Back from commercial, Carmella and Cass either have to stay or go. Cass is the one that’s going to admit that they want to stay at a hotel because they only see each other the one night of the week. Anyway, Miz is adorable. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” says the Miz. “I told you it was too much. I told you it was too much,” he says to Maryse. They show footage of cows and horses because Smackdown is in Texas. Naomi shows off her title to Nattie, Mark Carrano interrupts them. He seems like a bit of a dick. You know the type if you’re a woman and you have a job. Anyway, take a drink if you have a Mark Carrano drinking game. Naomi makes her case for what she did to the title. Carrano says, “You gotta help the machine help you.” Supposedly, Naomi doesn’t have permission to use the title in two hours on the show; as if that couldn’t have been decided since whenever Naomi got the phone call about it. You think John Cena went through this much sh– for that spinner title? I bet not.
Back from commercial, Mark Carrano let’s Naomi know that she can use her glow title. Anyway, Naomi and Lana battle again for the Smackdown Women’s Title. They show Naomi’s entrance with the glowing title. Lana comes to the ring, and commercial.
They show a cut-out of Lana saying, “Well behaved women seldom make history.” Okay. I’m sure Laurel Thatcher Ulrich is amused… yeah, Google it. Anyway, Naomi wins the match, thus retaining her now glowing title.
Next week on the show: Maryse puts Chateau Mar-Miz up for sale, Brie Bella explores a breast milk bank, and Lana and Nia Jax are probably going to spend the episode arguing because Lana feels she’s putting a lot of effort into this being a wrestler instead of a valet thing.