11/8 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Lana crushed by social media criticism of her attempt to transition from valet to wrestler, plus Bliss, humidifiers, MITB

By Sarah K., PWTorch contributor

NOVEMBER 8, 2017

So, tonight Trin and Nattie will babysit Birdie, Alexa will get fashion advice, and Lana will work on transitioning from valet to wrestler.

The show opens where it left off last week with Money in the Bank – the PPV. Nattie is backstage talking to Mark Carrano about how nervous she is for the match. She takes a selfie. Anyhoo, they blow through the ring intros for the match. For some reason we get footage of Brie Bella watching the match. Yeah, I have no idea why someone thought that was relevant.

So, the build up for this match on Total Divas has been about how empowering this is for women, and this is a first, and OMG, and so on and so forth. This is, of course, the first-ever Women’s ladder match where, of course, a man took down the briefcase for one of the women, because in WWE we can’t have nice things, ever.

Backstage, no one looks delighted at the James Ellsworth angle. As she won the match, in 90 seconds we run through Carmella’s life story. No segue, we move on to Lana, who will be facing Naomi for the Smackdown Women’s Championship. In reality, actual wrestling fans were tepid about the concept of this match given what we’d seen of Lana in the ring. Of course, this is Total Divas, so, Lana is somehow going to prove wrong all the people who aren’t overly impressed with her. Naomi won. Backstage, everyone congratulates Lana.

This is the never-ending opening segment, so Carmella, Naomi, and Nattie meet for lunch. Carmella runs through the story of how she dates Big Cass. Yeah, that got like one whole minute. Brie Facetimes Nattie during this lunch. Naomi offers to babysit the child. Nattie admits she’s a cat person, and likely never a mother. I don’t really like cats, but I’m happy for her and her honesty as someone who will also remain childless.

Somewhere else, Lana is in a gym with Nia Jax talking about her transition. Nia thinks she should be content to be a valet – me too! Anyway, since reality isn’t Total Divas, Lana is crestfallen that on social media she isn’t just getting positivity and support about this transition, and that wrestling fans are being mean (honest). A mere 13 minutes in, we finally get a commercial.

Back from commercial, Maryse is doing a photoshoot at a her pool, and Alexa Bliss shows up. We get to see the Miz’s title belt collection. Here we are introduced to the fact that Maryse will act as Alexa’s personal stylist storyline. The Miz is briefly shirtless.  Then off to a restaurant with Rusev and Lana.

Lana talks more about this transitioning to being a wrestler thing. Russev seems more interested in the food. Moving along, Maryse and Alexa meet up backstage. Second Mark Carrano appearance of the show (in the event that you had a drinking game). Mark Carrano, playing the classic sexist idiot, acts like Alexa Bliss simply not being dressed to the nines is somehow less than professional. I don’t make it a habit to comment on clothes or makeup, unless it’s atrocious or unavoidable, but FFS, she’s not wearing ripped sweat pants and showing her tits. There was nothing wrong with the way she was dressed. Women’s Revolution, my ass.

So, in Phoenix, we start the babysitting segment. Brie explains some baby care. Yes, babies poop and piss and spit up. Anyway, Brie and Bryan drive away, and Nattie acts apprehensive. Meanwhile, Alexa, Nia, and Maryse are in a car (presumably somewhere in Japan). I guess Maryse has gotten over Nia being the “most disrespectful person in wrestling” from last week. Either that, or someone pointed out how many matches she had with Kelly Kelly. Yeah, remember Kelly Kelly’s fantastic wrestling career? Uh-huh. They discuss yoga pants. For whatever reason Maryse thinks that Alexa Bliss needs to walk around looking like she needs to go to a tea party, because what professional woman wears pants? Oh right, most of us. Sexism is alive and well right here tonight on my TV. Maryse is having Alexa try on a bunch of dresses. Nia sees that Alexa is uncomfortable, so she tells her to “be you.”

No segue, Brie and Bryan are at a restaurant. They wonder what Nattie and Trin are doing. Nattie is mostly screwing around and taking pictures, Trin is holding the baby. Nattie is clearly not helpful. Before they really do anything, Brie returns. “We need to take it one day at a time. Everyone loves to over-analyze. Sometimes less is more,” are Nattie’s words of wisdom to Trin as they drive away. Trinity’s reaction of “what” is appropriate, considering that she did all the work.

Back from commercial, Lana and Nikki are at a gym. Nikki thinks Lana needs to lift weights. Moving along, Alexa and Nia are backstage in some arena in Japan. Alexa does Lillian Garcia’s podcast. She talks a little more about her life story, specifically her eating disorder. Alexa was anorexic. If you want to see pictures of her looking skeletal, it’s 39 minutes in.

They show footage of Alexa in the ring against Sasha Banks in Japan. Afterwards, Alexa has a little heart-to-heart with Maryse backstage about how she doesn’t want to have to dress like she’s going to a tea party all the time. It’s all good.

No segue. For some reason Nattie and Trin are back at Brie’s. Yeah, I have no idea why. Brie is explaining how to undo the baby being wrapped up like a burrito. Nattie is uncomfortable. Then Brie explains that she has a humidifier and it prevents SIDS (her words, yes, Brie Bella thinks a f—ing humidifier prevents SIDS). For those who don’t know, SIDS stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I’m sure anyone who’s ever discovered their infant dead in a crib would love to know that they could have saved their child with a humidifier. Massive eye roll.

For shits and giggles I googled “humidifier” and “it prevents SIDS.” To quote the second item that came up in the google search: “When I went on legitimate SIDS/medical websites, humidifiers were NOT mentioned as one of their recommendations on how to reduce the risk of SIDS.” Thank you, facts. Sites for Mom’s tell you some heinously stupid bullshit. Anyway, don’t get medical advice from Brie Bella, ever.

Anyway, here Nattie admits that she’s not that into babies. In the cutaway, Nattie says “I have never once – never once – said to myself I want to have a baby.” Yes, girls, that’s real women’s empowerment. Don’t succumb to peer pressure. Brie decides not to go out and to just hang out with Nattie and Trin. Meanwhile, it’s the Smackdown after the MITB PPV. So, Lana gets another shot at Naomi’s title. Cut to commercial.

Lana attacks Naomi from behind before the bell. Naomi regains control and pins Lana quickly. Lana still has dreams of being a wrestler… Mark Carrano is backstage to crush those (also if you had a drinking game – I’m just saying). Yes, Carrano is crushing her dream – and commercial!

So, after two matches, this Lana is a wrestler thing is over. Why she’s not back with Rusev as a valet is anyone’s guess. Anyway, Lana is heartbroken about her lack of future as a wrestler… so, she Facetimes with Nikki Bella and cries.

Next week on the show: Brie takes the baby on a road trip, Naomi makes the title glow – literally – and Lana posts something on social media.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 11/1 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (Season Premiere): Maryse deeply insulted by Nia Jax, gathering at John Cena’s house, Naomi, Bellas, Lana

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