Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It’s time for our semi-monthly ROH pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Joe Koff, Greg Gilleland or The Man With The Lizard Face. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a selection of billfolds from the Amity Leather Products Company. Remember, if it’s stamped “Amity”, it’s leather. And remember, four Whammys will bring tears to your eyes, and put you out of the game. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over ROH, unless a better one-liner comes along.
Before we look at tonight’s show, let’s roll right into this month’s Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on April 9, 1998, World Championship Wrestling aired a live episode of WCW Thunder from Tallahassee, Florida. The episode kicks off with Perry Saturn taking on Tokyo Magnum. Pretty cool, huh? Tony Schiavone, Lee Marshall & Bobby Heenan had the call.
And, as your free gift for viewing this column, let’s take you back to April 19, 2008 for Ring of Honor in Chicago Ridge, Illinois. On that night, it was Austin Aries against young whippersnapper Silas Young. Lenny Leonard and Dave Prazak had the call.
More recently, here’s what the Women of Honor have been up to. On March 10th at the ROH television tapings in Las Vegas, we saw first round action in the Women Of Honor tournament. It was Mayu Iwatani against Deonna Purrazzo. Ian Riccaboni & Colt Cabana have the call.
If you’re new to Ring of Honor, just remember that the Bullet Club are the good guys here, and you’ll be fine. On with the projections!
Jonathan Gresham vs. Chuck Taylor:Yeah, we’re running late. Projection? Mr. Taylor wins with the Awful Waffle. (He still does that move, right?)
Mayu Iwatani vs. Kelly Klein (Women Of Honor Semifinals): They call Kelly Klein the Gatekeeper. Tonight, she lives up to that name. Projection? Iwatani wins with the Fubuki Rana (not to be confused with Futurama.)
Sumie Sakai vs. Tenille Dashwood (Women Of Honor Semifinals): I don’t want to say Sumie Sakai has been wrestling for a long time, but she’s almost MY age. Projection? Dashwood wins with the Emmalina Lock.
Then Tenille Dashwood wins the finals, and the WoH Title.
Kota Ibushi vs. Adam Page:You know, Ibushi’s waited a whole week to get his revenge after losing at Sakura Genesis. Now it’s time. Projection? The Golden Lover gets his win back, besting Page with the Golden Star Powerbomb.
Tomohiro Ishii vs. Punishment Martinez: Last week, I got to talk to Mr. Martinez about how painful the Ishii Driller looked. He’ll probably have a different perspective by morning. Projection? Ishii wins clean with his finisher.
Kenny King vs. Silas Young (ROH Television Title – Last Man Standing):It’s been a relatively short feud, but a good feud. Projection? The King finally drops Silas with the ten count following a Coronation to keep the championship. Austin Aries is on his way.
The Briscoes vs. Jay Lethal & Hiroshi Tanahashi (ROH World Tag Team Titles): In a singles match, you’d take Lethal. Or you’d take Tanahashi. But not in a tag match. Projection? Mark Briscoe closes out Lethal with the Cutthroat Driver.
So Cal Uncensored vs. The Buck Flips (ROH World Six Man Tag Team Titles – Ladder Match): This time, the Bucks have Flip Gordon. And this time, everybody has ladders. Please don’t die, fellas. Projection? You will believe six men can fly. Scorpio Sky flies highest and retrieves the titles.
Dalton Castle vs. Marty Scurll (ROH World Title): Let’s be honest. I wouldn’t be opposed to Marty Scurll winning the ROH World Title. But not tonight. Projection? Somebody’s going to get bang-a-ranged, and it’s Marty Scurll’s turn. The big gold belt remains safe from The Elite.
American Nightmare Cody vs. Kenny Omega : After everything that’s happened, we’re finally going to see Cody be humble. For about twelve seconds. Projection? Omega gets the one-winged angel, and Runnels goes home disappointed.
Aftermath: Only eight days until Columbus, where Cody fights Matt Taven in a first blood match, and Castle, Scurll, Martinez & Beer City Bruiser meet up in a four-way non- title match. Be there!
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He’d take Toromto over Orlando in tomorrow’s big NBA game. You know, if gambling were legal.