6/24 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Hate-watching John Cena-Nikki Bella wedding talk while wishing for 40 minutes of goat yoga instead

TOTAL BELLAS (episode five)
JUNE 24, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK

On tonight’s episode Brie & Bryan will go on a date, and Nikki will have second thoughts about getting married. So, John and Nikki are back together. Yes, it was all just a scam to get us to watch this show. Evidently they might get married on 6-9, because it’s a dirty sex joke. Yes, they’re in a car together discussing the number 69; Nikki is wearing a red dress and John has on one of his asshole costume suits.

No segue, Brie and Nikki discuss that Nikki & John are back on as a couple and that she needs a wedding dress. Also, this is a clip that’s on YouTube. Can’t say that I’m delighted to see this wedding back on, and the premise of Nikki Bella and John Cena having a baby does nothing for me… it’s mostly the part where the kid is half Cena.

Moving on to a coffee shop, they discuss Barista coffee art. Yeah, the Mom has no idea what that is. They’re discussing their sex lives. Yeah, I didn’t need to know any of that. The creepy brother and his wife join Brie and the Mom for wedding attire shopping. This is where the non-plot of “who’s gonna walk Nikki” down the aisle is introduced. Brie had her dad do it, but perhaps Nikki won’t. Yeah, this is a first world problem for a bad reality show. After 10 minutes: Commercial.

Back from commercial, JJ the Creepy Brother lets his toddler smell his wine. Yeah, that was uncomfortable and stupid. Who’s going to walk Nikki down the aisle is again being discussed… as though walking someone down the aisle on their wedding day is the most meaningful gesture ever. I’m not married, but I don’t think my mother begrudges my sister for having our father do it. I seem to remember “mother of the bride” being some sort of position for which my mom had a fancy dress. Anyway, Brie continues to make a mountain out of a molehill as this is again discussed in front of the family with the addition of Grandma. Brie and Nikki continue to argue over this aisle walking thing after everyone leaves.

Moving along, Brie and Bryan go on a date. Yes, now that they have a kid, it’s hard to go on a date. Or as most other parents just said: No shit, Sherlock. So, Brie and Bryan drive some sort of side-by-side bicycle contraption… past a dumpster. It’s very Bryan. They are recognized by fans, so, they must try to escape the fans. No segue, Nikki is at the beach with the Aces, and JJ and Wife, who are playing with a ball. Nikki and Ace discuss this “should Mom walk Nikki down the aisle” thing. Johnny Ace says the correct thing, which is “the wedding is about you,” before he veers into weird territory and offers to walk Nikki down the aisle. Damn it, Ace! Back to Brie and Bryan – they’re trying ti have a picnic. Other people driving side-by -side bikes are watching them. Someone asks for a selfie. To be fair, the fans are polite. Then someone begins operating a leaf blower, and the date is kinda over.

Back to Nikki, the Aces, and JJ and Lauren at the beach. Nikki and JJ argue about her maybe accidentally agreeing to have Johnny Ace walk her down the aisle. A lifeguard drives by. It’s the highlight of the segment. Moving along, being rich people, Brie and Bryan got a nanny so that they can live their lives despite this child that they both really really wanted. They’re going to Peaceful Goat Yoga to do, you guessed it, “yoga” with goats. I don’t know if y’all know this: Goats are super f—ing horny. So, one of the goats introduces itself by peeing, then the goats poop during the “yoga” experience. The episode probably would have been more entertaining if it had just been 40 minutes of goat yoga and like four minutes about this f—ing wedding.

John has shown up for the announcement of the baby’s sex. Yes, John is wearing one of his asshole costume suits. There’s a smoke candle. It’s pink. JJ is disappointed that his second child will be a girl. Yeah, f— that guy. Yeah, I’m the second daughter (coughs). John doesn’t say much at this little affair. Seriously, I bet there was 40 minutes worth of goat yoga, and we got this sh– instead.

The family is gathered together at John and Nikki’s California house. Johnny Ace has brought tap shoes to demonstrate that he could tap dance while walking Nikki down the aisle. To be fair, I guess, at least Ace tried. Johnny also suggests that as he is tapping he could use castanets. Anyway, Nikki goes to see a therapist (who has obviously agreed to be filmed). You know what’s discussed: Who’s walking Nikki down the aisle. Think about it: They could have played the whole goat yoga date, uncut. I think the therapist is as uninterested in this premise as I am. So, she moves on to discussing Nikki’s relationship with John. Nikki admits that she agrees to a lot of things to please other people, instead of, let’s say, being honest.

I assume Brie and Bryan are en route to some botanical gardens, since they’re together in a car discussing the botanical gardens. Evidently it’s the perfect spot for a date, since there will be no wrestling fans there. Anyway, they ask the crew filming for the show to leave them alone. Yeah, that was cheesy. Meanwhile, at John and Nikki’s California house – sans John – the whole family is gathered for a dinner, where Nikki will announce who is walking her down the aisle. Brie and Nikki argue about how this aisle walking thing is going to be announced. Yup, could have been 40 uncut minutes of goat yoga, but no, no we have to argue over meaningless wedding sh–. BTW, the Party City commercial with the little girl’s pink unicorn party being DJ’d to the tune of DMX’s “Party Up (Up in Here)” is far better than being subjected to four million “little lungs” commercials during WWE programming.

So, back to the party. Nikki says she’s a “strong, independent woman, and this should be the best time of my life.” Ace still wants to tap dance Nikki down the aisle. Nikki makes a speech about being an independent woman and having no one walk her down the aisle. Ace, ever the gentleman, is not disappointed. Brie Bella finally uses the word empowered correctly. It’s a small miracle. However, Brie isn’t delighted about Nikki’s decision.

Next week: Hijinx with the family, is the wedding on or off, will it be traditional or will they elope, are they married to the date?

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 6/17 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: John mumbles with Nikki about their relationship and having a kid, Bryan and Brie shop for baby clothes and talk rich people problems