TOTAL BELLAS (episode four)
JUNE 17, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK
The show open reminds us that John and Nikki broke up in a hotel room in Napa, and that Brie and Bryan moved to San Diego. Tonight on the show John and Nikki will go on a negotiadate.
We start off with footage of Johnny Ace, the Mom, and the Twins at a pier pretending that they know how to skateboard. Yes, footage of Johnny Ace as a Dynamic Dude is shown. I guess maybe this appeals to teenagers? As an adult I’m not sure what I’m supposed to get out of two thirty-somethings pretending to do a thing that teenagers do.
Moving along, Nikki is doing a signing which involves a shameless Birdee Bee plug. Nikki is going to the signing alone since Brie has taken Birdie to the doctor. En route to the signing, Nikki gets a call from her publicist that the announcement that she and John broke up is about to go public. Yeah, the way this is handled on this show is cringeworthy. On to the signing, where Nikki will finally have to tell teenage girls that she and John broke up like 3-4 months prior, oh noes! Okay, none of the fans discuss the break-up, so, evidently the news wasn’t yet released. Okay, whatever.
Moving along in the neverending opening segment, Brie and Nikki meet at John and Nikki’s San Diego house. Instagram is discussed. The break-up announcement went public. Then Brie and Nikki watch that mushy John Cena segment on “The Today Show.” You know, the one where John desperately pleaded to have kids with Nikki. Anyway, the clip of Brie and Nikki discussing the clip was on YouTube, so, y’all can watch it there. I don’t find this that fascinating. Anyway, commercial after 12 minutes.
Back from commercial one, Nikki is going to babysit Birdie, so, Brie is giving Nikki all the rules. Yes, the Danielson’s have sold their Phoenix home. Their plan is to leave Birdie with Nikki while they pack and move. This clip is also on YouTube. Brie and Bryan travel in a car somewhere and admit that they’ve each missed each other. Evidently having a baby and a career is hard, according to Brie. In the mean time – babysitting footage. The Mom, Lauren, and The Creepy Brother J.J. come over for a visit. They sit outside and discuss the babysitting. Commercial.
Back from commercial, Nikki tidies up the house and then gets Birdie up from her nap. The Creepy Brother bitches that Nikki is getting help from the Mom to babysit the Kid. Nikki facetimes Brie. Then Nikki has a nanny come over to watch Birdie so that she can go do a workout. There’s an unhealthy comment about food – regarding 4 lbs. Teenage girls, don’t listen to this bullshit. In the meantime, Brie and Bryan pack up the nursery. So, I guess 28 minutes in – there’s your mushy sentimental moment.
The Mom, Creepy Brother, Nikki, and Birdie are shopping for baby clothes. Apparently there are “brands” that Brie likes. You know, most people realize how expensive that kids are – and there’s stuff that they buy because they can afford it. Definitely rich people problems. Anyway, Brie and Nikki facetime again, where Nikki admits that she got a nanny. Brie and Bryan then discuss the possibility of getting a nanny so that they can focus on their relationship because, as Bryan said, “Everything can’t always be about Birdie.” Wow, definitely rich people problems. Isn’t devoting 100 percent of your time to your kids one of the joys of motherhood? I guess when you discuss it as an abstract goal and you have Brie Bella’s IQ, it probably seems much dreamier. Yeah, as a childless woman with a college degree I always feel a bit weird about watching women indicate that motherhood is the ultimate goal of being a woman. I’ve never felt that way.
Brie and Bryan are still moving. Old footage of Brie and Bryan at their Phoenix home is shown, from them moving in to the pregnancy. The last box is apparently very heavy. Bryan is the one who carries it. They arrive in San Diego at Nikki and John’s house (which Nikki has 30 days to vacate, ha ha, yeah, John Cena is a f—ing psychopath) to pick up Birdie. Nikki thinks that Brie should get a nanny for when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night. How many times Brie and Bryan have had sex since Birdie’s birth was discussed. It could be counted on one hand. It wasn’t that much of a moment. Anyway, Nikki preps for this date. Brie does a John Cena impression. It isn’t nearly stiff enough. Nikki practices walking into a restaurant for a date. I guess we’re filling time at this point because this negotiadate is gonna be a sh** ton of Mumbles. Oh, I haven’t forgotten about Mumbles. Footage of John sitting alone at a table is shown, followed by footage of Nikki walking into the restaurant.
“Wow, this is gorgeous,” is how Nikki opens the date. John wanted the date is a public place, – I guess so that if they had an argument, he would have witnesses. F—ing psychopath. If you’re a woman and you’ve ever been called into an office with your male manager and one of your female coworkers is there to witness the event, this is the vibe of this date. So, Nikki wants to be a mom and doesn’t wanna live in Tampa forever. Evidently she’s never said this to John before. There’s a weird part where John Cena talks about having hope erased. Evidently, Nikki was supposed to change in order to be what John Cena wanted, with John making like no compromises. John wants to know how Nikki truthfully feels. So, after commercial, I guess they have like seven minutes.
“I wanna know how you feel, genuinely how you feel,” says Cena. Nikki feels that children give a marriage longevity. They’re both from divorced families. Nikki says that date nights are fun, but she wants more. John interprets this as her getting bored with him. He wants to know id she’s upset that she’s not going to be a mom, or if she’s fallen out of love with him. Nikki just wants to be a mom; the fact that he won’t compromise on that is what’s causing a rift. John says, “I can’t have you out of my life… ever. And I want to marry you, and a relationship and marriage is about sacrifice. And I will make that sacrifice for you.” I’m half deaf, so I may have misheard this, but it sounds like John Cena just said he’d have a vasectomy reversed? I assume I misheard that, but it was seriously hilarious to me. Anyway, remember, this was all done in “John Mumbles Cena” voice, so, don’t take my word on that vasectomy reversal thing. Anyway, the negotiadate ends with Nikki sitting on Cena’s lap and them kissing.
Anyway, based on the teasers for next week, John and Nikki might still not be back on, Bryan makes a comeback, yada yada yada.