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Roman Reigns is one of the most dramatic, divisive and discussed WWE performers in history. The company makes desperate play after desperate play to make him your favourite graps guy – with limited success. How do they do it? What do they do?
I’m Tom Colohue and this is the Monday Night Reigns-o-Meter.
After being attacked by an inanimate object last week, Roman’s bad luck would continue on Raw this week when he would find himself accidentally plowed into by a car. How much bad luck can one man have, right?
With Roman unavailable for the beginning of Raw due to… reasons?… We started our Monday evening fun with WWE’s backup Samoan named Joe. Despite his considerable losing streak, Joe continues to show up for work every week, being badass and unstoppable and having me hanging on his every word. You see, apparently Joe is being blamed for what are obviously the independent actions of a rogue forklift last Smackdown.
Samoa Joe isn’t even on Smackdown, so how could he be there to tip things over? We all know it was an accident.
After being sent packing by the arrival of The Man, Joe would return later in the night to lay claim to Raw. It didn’t quite have the same resonance as back in the day when The Undertaker and Kane would interfere in match after match after match but, you know, Joe hasn’t set anyone’s face on fire. Well, hasn’t set anyone’s face on fire yet.
Well, that we’re aware of. He’s an intense guy, is Joe. I don’t want to besmirch his good name by suggesting he’s never set anyone’s face on fire.
When Roman, arriving for work several hours late because in WWE that’s fine, got to the arena Joe would go out to meet him. The two would argue outside of the building before, about to curse, Reigns was prevented from harming the ears of all the little children by the arrival of a random car smashing into the side of his own.
Naturally in the attempt to hide such violence, we got to see Samoa Joe doing that dance you do when you really need the bathroom but can’t go yet. I almost completely forgot that there was a wrestling show on. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Is this what happiness feels like? Is this what love feels like?
The car would eventually drive away. No driver was visible, helping to fuel the rumours that the big dog is secretly a Transformer that has been discovered by the Decepticons. At this point, Samoa Joe would jump in to help his fellow Samoan Joe.
The next night on Smackdown, also known as the other Roman Reigns show, Roman attempted to talk through his issues with unknown objects. How he managed to survive without getting attacked by the microphone on his throat is beyond me. He spoke about the danger to his life, his livelihood and his mental wellbeing. In the end, the only thing he’s sure about is that Samoa Joe is definitely a cool dude.
Not going to lie, I would be absolutely 100 percent behind a Samoa Joe and Samoan Joe tag team. Can we call them the Samoan Joes? It’s just so much beef. So much brutality. So much man. What’s not to like?
Did anybody actually suspect Samoa Joe? Honestly I think Joe himself was the most suspicious of us all.
SmackDdown, also known as the show where the Canadians win, would continue by remembering to show some wrestling too. Natalya would twist Ember Moon in a knot. Kevin Owens would do that magical thing that he does with a microphone. We’d even get to see a guest appearance by the literal best in the world Shane McMahon. We were spoilt on Tuesday, weren’t we? We even got a sighting of the lesser spotted Elias.
As the night drew to a close, we were treated to a pleasant dose of extra Roman. This time we had a slightly more angry version of Roman. This time he would turn the tables. This time the inanimate objects would work for him against Buddy Murphy, who…
Hang on, Buddy Murphy? I remember that guy. Does this mean he’s about to get a push? Do we think he’s going to be feuding with Roman? Maybe even in loss he’ll be presented as an equal. Murphy’s time as Cruiserweight champion was so well received, he put on great matches, he put on… nah Roman’s just going to maul him, isn’t he?
So anyway, Roman would go back into the locker room and demolish Buddy Murphy. I think it was for funsies. I’m not sure. Murphy, who was at the scene of the crime for the forklift but wasn’t visible anywhere when it came to the car, was able to name one Erick Rowan as the man driving the forklift.
I’m fairly certain he means the forklift from last week rather than the forklift that Judy Bagwell was on back in the WCW days. I mean, I’m fairly sure. You can never tell.
This time last year, Roman Reigns was challenging Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship in the Summerslam main event. This year he doesn’t have a match on the card. Not yet, anyway. Now we know that Rowan did it, the big dog might be hunting him some big red.
– A car
– A alternate Samoan named Joe
– A microphone
– Buddy Murphy
Did Roman Reigns beat the odds?
Samoa Joe definitely set a guy’s face on fire, didn’t he?