12/16 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: The one where Nikki goes to pregnant twin photoshoot and Artem takes off his shirt and then they get ice cream


DECEMBER 16, 2020

The show opens with 800 recaps, and then Artem has to put a baby car seat in the expensive SUV that John Cena bought for Nikki Bella. Poor Artem. The show open plays. These weird skeezy twins do each other’s feet while Brie discusses being worried about Bryan going back on the road so soon after she gives birth. I seem to recall 84 million episodes of Total Divas where Brie talked about her purpose in life being a mom, and it turns out that she can’t do it all by herself. Surprise surprise. Nikki then discovers she doesn’t have to have her baby in L.A. Nikki and Artem are in the car. (Spoiler alert – Nikki doesn’t wear her seat belt correctly). So, kids, Nikki Bella is a moron and don’t wear your seat belt wrong like this doofus. There are previews for the remaining segments on this show – way too many previews before the commercial considering that this entire show is meaningless jibber jabber.

One not terribly bright twin dangles a ring on a string over the other not terribly bright twin’s belly. You know what? They’ve both had 8 cajillion ultrasounds, and these boys with iffy names have already been born, so, four months after the fact these old wives tale things aren’t interesting. The Mom still has Bell’s palsy. As a condition, it’s characterized by temporary and sometimes permanent paralysis of one or both sides of the face; the assumption is that stress plays a role in the onset of the disease and also that it’s usually connected to a viral infection.

So, the mom had a doctor’s appointment that didn’t amount to being cured, and I guess this was a surprise? I had a grandfather who had two strokes, that a bout of Bell’s palsy didn’t magically go away isn’t a surprise to me, but I’m watching a reality TV show centered around two women with very average IQs, so I have no idea why I ever expect this show to have a plot, point, or purpose. Brie and Nikki are then driving in the expensive SUV that John Cena bought for Nikki. (Spoiler alert: No one knows how to wear a seat belt correctly. Kids, these are not role models, these are idiots.) They both had ultrasounds. This is not fascinating stuff. Again, there are way too many previews for the nothing that happens later in this show. Commercial.

Nikki supposedly has bad news: that the insurance won’t cover the baby being born in Arizona. Supposedly she has to have this baby in LA. Anyway, more footage in the SUV that Cena bought; this time they both manage to wear seat belts. Considering how old they are, this shouldn’t be notable. Responsible adults always wear seat belts correctly when driving or riding in a car. Nikki is worried about the baby that she appears to have done very little to prepare to have. Brie and Bryan talk via Facetime. There is nothing fascinating to report.

The twins are outside eating at a table. The Mom shows up. Brie relents and says the Mom can go to L.A. for Nikki’s pregnancy; Brie is also irritated about it. They do a pregnant twin photoshoot. Don’t think too hard about it. Artem shows up and takes his shirt off for it. Commercial.

Back from commercial, Nikki, Brie, Artem, and Birdie are eating and discussing Nikki leaving. This is not meaningful. There’s another discussion about Nikki and Creepy Brother not speaking. This is not interesting. There is no reason for this show to exist. F—, I wish this show would just end. There is nothing happening here. Nothing. It’s the same crap on every episode, and none of this crap is life changing, meaningful, or significant. Nikki bought Brie wind chimes. I guess I’m supposed to be enchanted because an ice cream truck has arrived. Commercial.

So, they get ice cream. The lady in the ice cream truck is wearing a mask. None of the regulars on this show are wearing a mask. Wear a mask, people, don’t be like these maskless Bella twins. So, they sit on swings and eat popsicles and talk about being sad about not giving birth together. Artem and Nikki get in the expensive SUV that John Cena bought. Neither is wearing a seat belt correctly. Kids, don’t be like these irresponsible morons; wear your seat belt correctly! So, this is another episode of Total Bellas where they teased someone giving birth and it didn’t happen.

Next week on the show: the Mom will have brain surgery, they tease someone giving birth again. I sincerely hope this isn’t airing on Christmas.

CATCH UP… 12/9 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: The one where Mom plans for a baby shower during a pandemic, Nikki swims naked in her outdoor pool and Artem thinks it’s bad idea, Brie wants Bryan to talk to Artem about his sex life

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