AEW COLLISION HITS & MISSES (6/17): Bryant’s back with his takes on Punk’s return promo, QT & Hobbs, Starks in Owen Tournament, Ross, Wardlow, Luchasaurus, more

AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
JUNE 17, 2023
CHICAGO, ILL.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

Commentators: Nigel McGuinness, Kevin Kelly, Jim Ross (Main Event Only)

– Hey! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my rundown of AEW Collision’s “Hits & Misses” for the week of June 17, 2022. I love running down things that aren’t pedestrians, and it’s an honor to have you with me while I do it. (The Column. Not vehicular manslaughter.) I know there are a lot of places you can go to read unsolicited opinions about wrestling and car-violence, and it means a lot to me that you decided to come here.

– Speaking of tragic wrecks, my social media accounts are @IamDavidBryant on Instagram and @IamDavidBryant on Twitter because @IamBadAtUsernames.

– Tonight was the debut episode of CM Punk Presents: AEW Collision (a collision that is entirely unrelated to automobile accidents), and it emanated live from a packed United Center in Chicago, Ill. By the way, Chicago is a beautiful city full of beautiful sights, and the last time I was there, I have to admit that I was overwhelmed by the jaw-dropping sight of my hotel bill.

– Anyway, Hits & Misses. (I’m trying to stay on track for this column more than I did on my old Dark Elevation Reports, and I must say I am off to a horrible start.)

CM PUNK’S RETURNS — HIT

CM Punk’s second coming (for the third time) was even better than his second coming last time because this time, we got a Punk who sounded motivated, invigorated, and 40-percent exonerated. (To his credit, he did go out of his way to apologize to soft people, and as a person who practically owns stock in retinol, I accept his apology.)

Listening to Punk’s compelling speech, I couldn’t help but like him and reflect on why. Punk is like an artist whose talents are so bright they shine away the darkness of his flaws. Now, before anyone who isn’t hot jumps down my throat, I am not saying Punk’s flaws don’t matter; they do. But if the world were full of flawless people, it would be empty. Punk is a flawed person, but so is everyone I’ve ever met and most of the people I haven’t. However, most of those people I have and have not met also haven’t moved me to tears with their art. (Yes, I’ve cried over good wrestling before, and I blame the softening effects of retinol.)

CM PUNK’S NOT-SO-PUNNY DIG AT THE BUCKS — MISS

Despite loving Punk’s brash defense of his right to be exactly where he is, I could have done without his “counterfeit Bucks” line. Unless Punk and the Bucks are going to have a match soon, I’d rather everyone involved in the whole “Brawl Out” situation move on. None of what happened that night made any of its participants look like “the adults in the room,” and the only real winner of that fight was Mindy’s Bakery.

THE YOUNG BUCK’S TWITTER BIO — MISS

Like Pavlov Dogs hearing dinner bells, the Bucks updated their Twitter Bio to rebut Punk’s “counterfeit Bucks” line and just stop it.

WARDLOW vs. LUCHASAURUS (w/Christian Cage) — HIT

While I’m not a fan of frequent title changes, I am a fan of how well this one was pulled off. Christian is a 1960s Bond villain, and I’m here for it. Christian’s well-executed interference gave Wardlow a reason to demand a rematch, and Luchasaurus needed to make a statement win as he finally returned to in-ring action.

POWERHOUSE HOBBS AND Q.T. MARSHALL BACKSTAGE PROMO — MISS

Normal Rockwell milkman, Q.T. Marshall, does not belong next to Powerhouse Hobbs. I’m on board with Q.T. Marshall playing an obnoxious manager but not for a character like Hobbs. Not to mention, managers get the most mileage when they serve as a mouthpiece for someone who cannot talk, and Hobbs can talk.

There are so many great wrestlers in AEW who are only held back by their inability to cut good heel promos. Teaming Marshall with one of them would be a much better idea than teaming him with Hobbs. Hobbs is terrifying on his own, and he doesn’t need Q.T. Marshall standing next to him, looking like a bowling alley attendant who wandered into a wrestling show.

Now, if Q.T. Marshall were to wander over to Action Andretti, I could see that working out well. They somehow manage to give me similar vibes, whereas watching Hobbs and Marshall feels like I’m watching a “House of the Dragon”/”Big Bang Theory” crossover episode.

ANDRADE EL IDOLO vs. BUDDY MATTHEWS (w/Julia Hart) — HIT

Wow, Julia Hart has come a long way.

Also, the match was great. Andrade is one of those athletes I keep forgetting is outstanding, and so my goldfish brain is surprised every time I see him. I loved Andrade’s cartwheel moonsault off the apron; I loved his double moonsault, and I marked out for his version of Charlotte Flair’s Figure-Eight leglock.

SCORPIO SKY HYPE VIDEO — MINOR MISS

While I’m thrilled Sky is returning, I would have liked to have gotten more out of this vignette than simple platitudes like, “I am AEW’s Past, Present, and Future.”

MIRO vs. TONY NESE (w/Mark Sterling) — HIT

This match reminded me of all the things I like about Miro. I hope Miro’s quick defeat of Tony Nese signals great things for him to come. Frankly, Miro should be put in the queue to become AEW’s World Heavyweight Champion someday. (Also, hire Lana.)

TONI STORM & RUBY SOHO vs. SKYE BLUE & WILLOW NIGHTINGALE — HIT

After how good Blue looked in her match last week, I am glad to see she is being rewarded with a win. I also loved the execution of Soho accidentally spraying Storm in the face with her team’s signature green hair coloring spray masquerading as a can of spray paint. It is incredibly easy to mess up a spot like that, and it is incredibly hard to make it not look fake. However, Soho and Storm made that spot look like a genuine accident, and I applaud them for it.

Also, I am absolutely awed by how well Storm executed her transition from face to heel. She went from being elegant, beautiful, and determined, to looking like a mean girl from Riverdale before it went off the rails (which I’m pretty sure was episode two.)

RICKY STARKS DECLARES HE WILL ENTER THE OWEN HART TOURNAMENT — MISS

The only reason this is a “miss” is because Starks should be doing something bigger and better than just entering tournaments. Starks is the only person on AEW’s roster who was able to legitimately outtalk MJF in a one-on-one promo-battle. How can you see that amount of awesomeness and not capitalize on it?

JEFF JARRET CHALLENGES MARK BRISCOE TO A CONCESSION STAND BRAWL — HIT

This promo did its job. I hope this concession stand brawl is more like Tupelo in 1979 and less like that one time Jeff Jarrett wore a hairnet while flipping burgers in 2010.

THE ACCLAIMED PERFORM THE INAUGURAL SCISSORING — HIT

Everyone loves the acclaimed, and I loved Caster’s “Trump documents” joke. Also, who would have thought in 1997 that Billy Gunn would be this entertaining in 2023?

JIM ROSS ANNOUNCING THE MAIN EVENT — HIT

OMG!

JIM ROSS NOT ANNOUNCING THE REST OF THE SHOW — MISS

OMG?

CM PUNK & FTR vs. JAY WHITE & JUICE ROBINSON & SAMOA JOE — HIT

This 24-minute match hit all the right notes. Dax Harwood plays a great face-in-peril-looking-for-a-hot-tag; CM Punk proved his ring rust isn’t all that rusty, and Jay White proved that his AEW booking makes as much sense as a sand-coated condom.

Throughout this match, White proved that he is a master of in-ring imagery. The image near the end of the match, in which he was heaped over face-first in the middle of the ring, was a visual embodiment of how grueling this match had been. All six men deserve a lot of praise for the work that went into this, and I hope this is indicative of the kind of CM Punk we will see going forward.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is as good a debut as AEW could have hoped for, and I’m excited to see what else Tony Khan has in store for AEW Collision.

However, it would have been nice if Khan had given us at least a hint of whatever it is that his “in-store” has in stock. To my knowledge, AEW did not announce a single match for next week, and there wasn’t a big cliffhanger. I know they will likely make some announcements on Dynamite, but the reality is some people may choose to only watch Collision, and AEW should be prepared for that.

SHOW GRADE: A

Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, 52-percent of all automobile accidents occur within a five miles radius of your home, so consider moving.