SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Heyyy! Welcome back to the only Hits & Misses column that answers the question, “What if words got drunk?”
COLD OPEN — HIT (BUT MORE “TEE-BALL” THAN “BALLPARK” THIS TIME)
These opening segments continue to capture my attention, and that is not an easy thing to do because my brain is 30 percent goldfish. My only note is that I wish this one had ended in a cliffhanger like last week’s did. For example, I think it would have added intrigue if FTR and/or Bullet Club Gold cut their promos while walking to the Gorilla position.
Fun note (depending on your definition of fun): When I produced and promoted drag pageants for National Entertainer of the Year, I called our Assistant Stage Manager’s position the “Gorilla position” because it was just off stage, and despite most of the performers not even being alive for the majority of Gorilla Monsoon’s career, a surprising number of them got the reference!)
As for the contents of this cold open:
– FTR looked like the adults in the room, and Juice Robinson looked like he had restless face syndrome.
– Ruby Soho looked like what would happen if Yankee Candle purchased Hot Topic, and Willow Nightingale reminded me of what would happen if someone said they were “more than happy to help” and then took the “more than happy” part too seriously.
– Ricky Starks looked like the friends I wished I’d had in the ’90s, and C.M. Punk looked like the ones I actually did.
Still, I would not have changed any of it because if I wanted normal, I’d watch the news (in a country that isn’t America.)
FTR vs. TEAM “WHITE JUICE” — OMG!
After the show, I was on Threads (which is kind of like the “Peloton of apps” — as in, everybody wanted one but then stopped using it after six days.) and one of the Threaders (that doesn’t sound right) on AEW’s Thread (still doesn’t sound right) called this match “the greatest tag team match of all time.” They’re wrong. However, I wouldn’t argue with them if they said it was in their top ten because it’s in mine.
While watching this match, I kept thinking to myself, “FTR are not normal.” They look normal; they sound normal, and they even cut normal promos, but they are not normal because normal people don’t sample classics like they’re mixing Beyonce’s latest album. Either these guys won a fiddle-playing contest in Georgia, or they blackmailed a wishing well because there is not enough hard work in the world to account for normal wrestlers having this many classics in nine years.
And while I’m busy praising people, it takes two to tango. Jay White is the total package, and Juice Robinson is far more talented than his facial-tourettes indicates. All four men made this match the masterpiece it was, and I am proud to mark out for it. You know, when I tell my friends that professional wrestlers are artists, a lot of them look at me like I’m stupid, and while they’re probably right, it’s not because wrestling isn’t an art — it’s because they haven’t seen wrestling like this.
If you think that sounds like hyperbole, it’s not. This match was a work of art. If the Louvre displayed wrestling matches, this match would be there, and if a Hits & Misses column displayed star ratings, you would see five of these: *****.
RUBY SOHO vs. WILLOW NIGHTINGALE — HIT
I feel so bad for Ruby Soho and Willow Nightingale. If I had to follow that last match, I’d have thrown myself out of a window and landed in New Zealand. There ought to be a mercy rule in wrestling, where everyone else gets to go home every time FTR pulls an FTR.
That said, this match was good. It wasn’t the greatest women’s match I’ve ever seen; it wasn’t Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka at WrestleMania 34, and it wasn’t Iyo Sky vs. Bianca Belair at Backlash, but it was still a good, solid, and entertaining match that I think a lot of people would have enjoyed if they’d seen most of it.
COMMERCIAL BREAK THREE MINUTES INTO THE WOMEN’S MATCH — MISS
How much you enjoyed seeing something happen often correlates to how much of it you saw. Some of the best moments of this week’s Soho vs. Nightingale match happened during the commercial break! (The only reason I know this is because my boyfriend is from Australia, and we watch Collision together on Discord while he eats crocodile burgers from Outback Steakhouse and rides a kangaroo, I assume.)
At one point during the commercial break, Soho grabbed Nightingale’s hair and pointed her head toward the Owen Hart Tournament Trophy, and said, “You see that? You see that trophy? That trophy is mine!” Soho said this with such conviction that, despite my best judgment (which is only slightly better than Ezra Miller’s approval rating), I actually started to think she would win.
There was a lot to like about this match, including an Oklahoma Stampede by Nightingale, a straitjacket by Soho, Nightingale’s Hart-pink onesie, Soho’s Hart-pink shoes, and an ending that managed to pop me despite the last match leaving me as popped out as a used-up cap gun.
“TOY STORY” TONY IN A WOODY HAT — HIT
That was most the Q.T. Marshall thing I have ever seen that didn’t involve Q.T. Marshall.
Q.T. MARSHALL & POWERHOUSE HOBBS SEGMENT — MISS
I really liked what they did with Q.T. Marshall and Powerhouse Hobbs last week, and I was really hoping to see Q.T. Marshall get the wonder knocked out of his bread this week. However, despite Q.T. Marshall continuing to prove he is the hotel room artwork of human beings, Hobbs declined to pulverize him into the crumpled pile of Hawaiian shirts and water bottle sweat we all know he is secretly made of.
THE HOUSE OF BLACK vs. ARTEMIS SPENCER & RANDY MYERS — FINE, IG
This was what it was — a quick squash. Black hit a stiff-looking kick; the match ended with a Black Mass, and I loved the names of the two local wrestlers.
Also, if resting witch-face were a contest, Julia Hart should have a heart and stop beating the crap out of Bette Midler.
RICKY STARKS vs. C.M. PUNK — HIT
A guy in the crowd kept holding up a sign that said, “Crying Man-Child Phil,” and I hope his balls get stuck in a car door. (I am not a fan of how Punk conducted himself at the All Out media scrum either, but I’m trying to enjoy a match between two very talented wrestlers. It’s fine to express your disdain for Punk’s misconduct but do it to a cashier at Wendy’s.)
Despite Rudey Von Plungerdick’s attempts to distract the world with his personal grievances, I enjoyed the heck out of this match! The dueling chants of “Let’s Go Ricky!”/“C.M. Punk!” added a lot to the electric atmosphere, and both Starks and Punk know how to get the most out of their offensive moves.
STARKS’ HEEL TURN — MISS
I’m not going to entirely write off the possibility that AEW can make Starks’ heel turn work, but I feel like it would have gone better had he screwed over someone besides the one person the audience wanted him to screw over.
Also, the Australian feed of the show missed Starks yanking his trophy out of Jushin “Thunder” Liger’s hand, and I felt like that was an important part of the night. Luckily, I was able to rewatch this on the U.S. American feed, which sadly isn’t something I can say about the Taya Valkyrie vs. Toni Storm vs. Satellite Storm match on Battle of the Belts.
FINAL THOUGHTS: This show was a different format than last week’s show, and it will be interesting to see if the ratings for this week’s show builds throughout its progress like last week’s show did. It is my personal opinion that the second half of the show should have followed last week’s format so that there was something for everyone, including those who did not enjoy the FTR vs. Bullet Club match because they like being wrong about things.
SHOW GRADE: A
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, when you’re making a serious point, don’t do it in a room full of balloons.
(Unsettling selfies of David Bryant flexing in a mirror can be found on his Twitter page @IamDavidBryant; videos of David Bryant’s not-so-great figure skating can be found on his Instagram page @IamDavidBryant, and a profile picture sitting above an empty void of absolutely nothing can be found on David Bryant’s Threads page @IamDavidBryant. Also, having just now read back over this paragraph, I feel like I could have written about myself in a more concise manner, which, coincidentally, is also the working title of everything I’ve ever written.)
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