SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
APRIL 20, 2024
PEORIA, ILL.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone & Nigel McGuinness & Sadly Not Matt Menard
– Hey! I’m back for another AEW Collision Hits & Misses column! I don’t know about you, but I am bubbling with anticipation for the latest Dynasty reboot starring Toni Storm as Linda Evans! So, sit back, kick up your tits, and don’t touch that dial as we watch the show before the show that is going to tell us who shot J.R.!
(But not that J.R.)
(Also, not that show.)
(It feels a little bit like that show, though, doesn’t it?)
(Those old primetime soaps were all basically the same show.)
(People had bad taste before I was born.)
Anyway, speaking of good taste, here is a column about professional wrestling:
AEW COLLISION’S OPENING PYRO — HIT
I love how AEW’s new pyro is built around that two-tunneled set. Oh, that reminds me, TNA has a PPV tonight!
ADAM COPELAND & EDDIE KINGSTON & MARK BRISCOE vs. DANTE MARTIN & DARIUS MARTIN & ACTION ANDRETTI — HIT
Tonight’s show started off with a banger of a match. (After all, how could anything featuring Eddie Kingston not be?) My only note would be that someone should tell Action Andretti that he does not need to un-alive himself for us to enjoy his matches. Andretti executed at least one daring spot that dared so much I accidentally strangled on my Fresca.
HOUSE OF BLACK CUT A BACKSTAGE RIDDLE — MINOR-HIT
Malakia Black is a quagmire.
He is one of the most gifted talkers in professional wrestling but chooses to say some of the most nonsensical things. Tonight’s Fortune-Cookie-Promo featured the line, “Hell is where the heart is,” which is a line from a song written for Elvis Presley by the cast of “The Conjuring Part 31.”
Despite that, I’m still giving this segment a “Minor-Hit” instead of a “Minor-Miss” because Black’s delivery of the oddest lines is better than Amazon’s delivery of the oddest Chinese knockoffs. (Remember when delivery drones were going to be a thing?)
POWERHOUSE HOBBS vs. VICTIM #34893724892 — MINOR-HIT
This is an effective use of Powerhouse Hobbs, but it shouldn’t be the only use of men like Powerhouse Hobbs. However, given the circumstances of Don Callis’s upcoming promo, I understand AEW’s decision to put him in yet another squash match.
DON CALLIS CALLS IN FAVORS — HIT
Don Callis grabbed the mic to inform us that Powerhouse Hobbs would face Jon Moxley on Dynamite for the IWGP Title. (This was foreshadowed so heavily in the previous match’s commentary that it failed to surprise me despite how surprising it sounds when typed out.)
Callis explained that Powerhouse Hobbs’s upcoming title shot was granted after Callis personally called up New Japan and told them he was responsible for the greatest match in New Japan’s history. He also told them that the greatest match in New Japan’s history was Chris Jericho vs. Kenny Omega, and they apparently didn’t laugh, hang up, or block his number, so on this week’s upcoming episode of AEW Dynamite, we’re getting Jon Moxley vs. Powerhouse Hobbs for New Japan’s most coveted prize. That makes sense.
CHRIS “THE LEARNING TREE” JERICHO APOLOGIZES TO HOOK FOR HOOK’S WRONGNESS — MEGA-HIT
Last week, I was very skeptical of Chris Jericho’s new character arc, but I am now sold on it. This gimmick is reaching a level of smarm that would make Christian Cage proud. (Is he alive?)
Can you imagine if Jericho actually won the FTW Championship at Dynasty? I’d literally have to finish watching the PPV on a totally different television set after having thrown my fiancé through the first one because I am a normal, stable person.
THE GUNN CLUB vs. THE ACCLAIMED (PRE-MATCH ANNOUNCEMENT) — MISS
Before the match, Tony Schiavone grabbed the mic and said, “Just a minute! Just a minute! I’ve got to make an announcement here. Gunns, you gotta get in the ring. You have to get in that ring. You can’t — If you walk out on this match — I saw you walking away. If you walk out on this match. No, no! Tony Khan has told me that if you walk out on this match, then you will not have a match tomorrow at Dynasty.”
Colton Gunn looked so confused as he stood in the ring, where he had been waiting for the match to start. (Did someone miss a cue?) This prompted the Gunn Club to leave the ring (where they had dutifully been) and tell Tony Schiavone, “How about instead, we just don’t wrestle tonight.” (Seriously, what is happening?)
“No!” Schiavone continued, “Didn’t you just hear what I said?” (I am so confused.)
Anyway, thanks to Tony Schiavone threatening the Gunns into doing the exact thing they were already doing, we got out to keep our PPV match, and by “PPV match,” I mean the pre-show.
THE GUNN CLUB vs. THE ACCLAIMED (THE ACTUAL MATCH) — MINOR-HIT
This was a decent match surrounded by way too many shenanigans. However, the Gunn Club won, which means they’re going to lose to The Acclaimed at the PPV, and that makes me happy.
Hopefully, after the PPV, The Acclaimed (one of AEW’s best acts) can start a new feud (I feel like this one has been going on longer than the aforementioned Conjuring Universe) and find renewed life as the first-ever undisputed World Trios Tag Team Champions.
I also hope Jay White’s loss will lead to him separating from The Gunn Club and obtaining his first, long over-due AEW singles title.
BRYAN DANIELSON CUTS A BACKSTAGE PROMO — HIT
So far, tonight’s backstage promos are turning out fantastic. Danielson talked about The Callis Family — namely, Takeshita — dropping him head-first onto the ramp with a brain buster and why that career-threatening moment would fuel his desire for revenge against Takeshita later tonight and Ospreay at the PPV.
WILL OSPERAY SEMI-INTERRUPTS DANIELSON’S BACKSTAGE PROMO — MEGA-HIT
First, kudos to AEW, Bryan Danielson, and Will Ospreay for the decision to have Ospreay interrupt Danielson’s promo AFTER Danielson had finished cutting it. That allowed Danielson to cut an important and effective promo about one of the biggest matches of his career.
Second, Kudos to Ospreay for explaining why he happened to be in the area to interrupt Danielson’s promo. He started off by saying, “Excuse me. I’m sorry, but I saw your name was above the door for this interview time, and I just wanted to come by and clear the air.” Wrestlers should do this kind of thing more often; it makes the product make sense.
Third, Ospreay made his upcoming PPV match even more interesting by contesting Danielson’s viewpoint regarding what the Don Callis Family had done to him. Ospreay swore he had nothing to do with any of it, and Danielson slyly smirked and replied, “Sure.”
This entire exchange was exceptionally accomplished. It was everything I could want in a basic promo-interruption skit, and it didn’t make either wrestler (or the interviewer) look stupid. This should be the template for backstage promo interruptions going forward.
TONI STORM CUTS A BACKSTAGE PROMO — MEGA-HIT
We are three for three tonight in backstage promos.
This particular promo was pre-taped after Dynamite on Wednesday. Toni Storm started it by telling us that she was filming this promo in color because she wanted the world to see what Thunder Rosa had done to her. (Her face was covered in wide swaths of blood-like lipstick.)
During this promo, Toni Storm responded to Thunder Rosa’s promo on last week’s episode of AEW Collision by saying, “Thunder Rosa, you want to be a hero? Hmm? Well, I know you’re not. There is nothing more disgusting than a wrestler who says they’re not selfish. This is a business; it is not a charity. If you want to uplift women, then you should have stayed a social worker. You may be a fighter (a direct reference to Thunder Rosa’s promo last week), but I am a star. You don’t want this belt because you once held it; you want this belt because of everything I made it to be.”
Later in the promo, Storm continued, saying, “You say you want to drag my soul to hell? Well, you better check the address because “hell” is located in my bedroom where I’m forced to make love to my demons every bloody night.” (Whoa!)
Holy sh—. I’m out. That was wonderful. It wasn’t as spectacular as last week’s Thunder Rosa promo — the best promo of Rosa’s career — but it was a perfect response to it. I haven’t looked forward to an AEW women’s title match this much in ages.
Please, I am begging Tony Khan, give this match time. Let these two women tell a full-throated story that is worthy of these stellar promos because, while I know not everyone is a fan of women’s wrestling, I also know at least one friend (Hi, Alan!) who does not normally buy AEW PPVs and is buying this one specifically for this match. Please give him (and me) the kind of Rosa vs Storm match we’ve been dreaming of.
BRYAN DANIELSON & CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI vs. KONOSUKE TAKESHITA & KYLE FLETCHER — MEGA-HIT
This approximately 15-minute match was everything I could have hoped for it to be. If this had been on a PPV, it would have easily been a three-and-a-half-star bout. If you’re into this style of match, you’ll love watching this, and you should find the time to check it out.
I have no notes, no jokes, and I could think of very little to criticize about this portion of the program without being ridiculously picky.
Side Note: I’m shocked they had Danielson in a match like this the night before he co-headlines a major PPV event. I hope he isn’t too beat up to put on the absolute showcase of a match his fans are expecting tomorrow.
BRYAN DANIELSON CUTS AN IN-RING PROMO — MEGA-HIT
“Cut the music,” Danielson said. “I’ve had a lot of people ask me, ‘Why the hell are you doing a Bunkhouse Brawl right before you face Will Ospreay?’” (Those people have a point, Danielson.)
“It’s because of this,” Danielson went on. “Some people, when they think of heaven, they think of streets of gold, they think of forty virgins (I think he means 72), but that’s not me. When I die, my heaven will be standing in this ring, bleeding in front of all of you.” (I believe him.)
Danielson then wrapped up his in-ring promo by bringing the whole thing back around to his match with Ospreay and promising, “Tomorrow, Will Ospreay, I’m going to beat your ass.” Then, Danielson climbed the turnbuckles as the Illinois crowd joined him in doing a version of his signature “Yes!” chant.
KRIS STATLANDER CUTS A BACKSTAGE PROMO THAT DOESN’T SUCK — HIT
Wow that was… not awful. More of that, please.
WILLOW CUTS A BACKSTAGE PROMO — MINOR-HIT
Willow cut a good promo that got sidetracked by the random insertion of the word “bitch.” Less of that word, please.
SKYE BLUE vs. LEYLA HIRSH — HIT
This five-minute match was going well (at least, for these two promising athletes) until Hirsch slipped while climbing the ropes near the end of the match. (I watched it back a second time, and I couldn’t figure out what caused her to slip. It looked like a freak accident.) Thankfully, both women made a quick recovery, but I was sad to see that one particular moment mar what was otherwise a really solid match between two of AEW’s less-visible wrestlers with only a few hints of roughness around the edges.
Side Note: Hirsh has an incredibly interesting life story, should AEW ever choose to tell it. She was born in Russia, adopted as an orphan at the age of 8, took up amateur wrestling at the age of 15, and was competitive throughout both high school and college.
Second Side Note: Is Blue in the House of Black, or is she not in the House of Black? I really like Blue’s role as Julia Hart’s apprentice, but it would be a nice touch if they clarified her place within that particular realm.
THE ELITE (INCLUDING OKADA) VS. FTR & PAC — MEGA-HIT
This was a thoroughly enjoyable match. It wasn’t as good as the Bunkhouse Brawl from earlier in the night, but that would have been exceptionally hard to top. FTR were the highlight here, but both teams played their roles well.
In fact, here is how well these two teams performed their roles:
IRL, I personally side with Jack Perry more than I side with C.M. Punk. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate C.M. Punk; I don’t think C.M. Punk is a bad person, and I am rooting for him to succeed in WWE. Punk is a truly gifted wrestler, and we are lucky to be alive at a point in time in which we can enjoy his gifts, but I also don’t like bullying.
Bullying is one of the most disdainful, lily-livered things a co-worker can do, and in my personal opinion, what C.M. Punk did was bullying. His actions at All In were more akin to something I’d expect to hear about in a podcast recounting the forever-tarnished legacies of JBL and Hardcore Holly rather than the actions of someone we know as an intelligent and thoughtful wrestling genius.
That said, despite how strongly I feel about workplace bullying, FTR and The Young Bucks played their respective roles so perfectly that I could not help but root for FTR’s upstanding heroism and want to see the Young Bucks get their obnoxious, overly-confident, Roman-Roy-asses handed to them.
This Sunday, at Dynasty, if Toni Storm vs. Thunder Rosa and Bryan Danielson vs. Will Ospreay weren’t enough to convince you to buy this PPV, then this FTR vs. The Young Bucks match should sell it all on its own. In the same way that C.M. Punk is an intelligent and thoughtful wrestling genius, so are FTR, and I cannot wait to see the work of art those two performance artists create with The Young Bucks tomorrow night.
Side Note: Having Pac score the pinfall instead of FTR or the Young Bucks was a good booking decision because it leaves me all the more uncertain about which team will win the AEW Tag Team Championships tomorrow.
POST-MATCH TOMFOOLERY — MINOR MISS
I might be in the minority, but this post-match beatdown, followed by Daniel Garcia making the save, did nothing for me. In fact, it took away from what was an outstanding ending with Pac standing tall and The Young Bucks and FTR looking both weary and furious.
To be fair, when booking something like this, it is hard to predict how good or bad the final images of the match right before it might be. However, in this instance, that last match told all the story I needed it to tell to be sold on buying tomorrow night’s AEW Dynasty PPV starring Toni Storm as Linda Evans.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Given tonight was technically AEW’s last chance to sell their Dynasty PPV, they needed to far exceed the dreadful quality of AEW Collision’s more contemporaneous episodes, and that is exactly what they did. This was the best episode of AEW Collision I have seen since January, and AEW has performers like FTR, The Young Bucks, Bryan Danielson, Will Ospreay, Thunder Rosa, and Toni Storm to thank for it. In short, I went into this show excited for AEW Dynasty, and I came out of it even more excited for AEW Dynasty. (Is Thunder Rosa supposed to be Joan Collins? That doesn’t seem right.)
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
Match of the Night: Bryan Danielson & Claudio Castagnoli vs. Kyle Fletcher & Takeshita (Seriously, wow! Please check out this match.)
Second Best Match: FTR & Pac vs. The Young Bucks & Okada
Third Best Match: Action Andretti & Dante Martin & Darius Martin vs. Eddie Kingston & Adam Copeland & Mark Briscoe
SHOW GRADE: A
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, the grass may be greener on the other side, but it is also suspiciously well-maintained. What bodies are they hiding?
(David Bryant’s bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding television set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first waterproof teabag. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: AEW Collision results (4/20): Murphy’s review of Bryan Danielson and Claudio Castagnoli vs. Konosuke Takeshita and Kyle Fletcher in a Bunkhouse Brawl, The Elite vs. Pac and FTR
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.