SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
So, is it me or is Lita sober?
Tom Phillips gets to interview Sami Zayn during the Kickoff show. I’d switch channels if the Steelers weren’t behind by four touchdowns.
Supper. I return in time to get Zayny with Tom Phillips & Sami Zayn. A viewer asks if Sami is ready for the Gift of Jericho. “Sure, I’ve had all my shots,” Sami does not reply.
“Total Bellas” debuts in ten days on E! Network. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Let’s watch the recap video, showing us how upset Alicia Fox was when Nia Jax beat up her good friend Blah Blah.
Alicia Fox vs. Nia Jax. Jax wins a perfectly acceptable match with a Samoan drop. Since Cole referred to Nia Jax as a former model, I amuse myself by looking that up on Google. Yeah, that doesn’t even look like the same woman.
Looks like WWE actually remembered that they have lots of footage of Stone Cold & The Rock on WWE Network. Good on them.
Let’s do this. The first Clash of Champions in 19 years! And we’re kicking it off with the endless battle over the WWE World Tag Team Titles.
The champs come out first. Shockingly, New Day doesn’t have a lot of nice things to say about their opponents, Da Baldies.
This match is a showcase for New Day, with Big E hitting the Big Ending, Xavier using Francesca as a weapon and Kofi hitting a beautiful Fosbury Flop over the top rope. The Midnight Hour is their finishing move, and Gallows and Anderson are finished.
Do you want to experience the sensation of being trapped in a car with Michael Cole & Byron Saxton? Don’t miss the new episode of “Ride Along”!
I was worried WWE wouldn’t take the Cruiserweight Title seriously, but here they are, slotting it in the prestigious second match spot.
Tom Phillips interviews TJ Perkins, who reads his promo straight off the sheet like he’s been taught.
What is that awful noise? Oh, it’s Brian Kendrick’s new WWE-approved entrance song.
And now, I immediately have to stop making fun of Brian Kendrick’s new music, because TJP’s new music is worse.
On the plus side, Kendrick’s tights are almost as awesome as Luke Gallows’ boots.
Of course WWE loves TJ Perkins “dab on it” move. It stopped being cool a year ago.
Graves compares Perkins to Manny Pacquiao. I’m all for this comparison unless it leads to TJ putting out a CD in Tagalog.
Hooray. Good match with Perkins getting the submission via the kneebar.
TJP goes for the handshake after the match. Kendrick does not like the Cruiserweight Code of Honor, which requires all matches to end with a hug. Headbutt by Kendrick. I guess we’re getting a rematch.
We’d like to thank Petula Clark for providing the theme song to “WWE 2K17: What the hell was that?” Be sure to pick up a copy at a retailer near you.
Is there anything more exciting than two wrestlers fighting in Match 7 of a Best of Seven Series? (Other than the four matches on after Cesaro vs. Sheamus, naturally.)
Before the match, Cesaro told the interviewer that patience was very important for this Best of 7 series. I heard that, brother.
Cesaro hits a 619 on Sheamus! It took longer because he had to dial “011”, and then the “41” for Switzerland, but it worked.
And…that’s bad. Pro Tip: Just because it’s called a “suicide dive” doesn’t mean you’re supposed to land on your head.
The crowd chants “This is awesome”. Maybe later, we can get another five minutes from Mr. McMahon on how Cesaro lacks charisma.
They brawl into the crowd and collapse. The medics tend to them. The referee stops the match because both men are injured. Yes! This feud MUST continue!
Tune in to Raw tomorrow for Match 8 in our Best Of Seven Series between Cesaro and Sheamus.
Charlotte confronts Bayley backstage. Bayley points out she already beat Charlotte on Raw. Sadly, they do not break into a duet of “Anything You Can Do” from “Annie Get Your Gun”.
Next match is Zayn vs. Jericho. Don’t look now, but I think Jericho’s Entrance Tron broke my HDTV.
Zayn and Jericho are having a tough time following that last match, (Well, duh!) but are otherwise doing okay. Graves accurately describes this match as “Sami Zayn fighting from underneath”. Corey’s good that way.
Codebreaker From Outta Somewhere. Jericho wins.
Colonel Ziggler once again beats Miz In A Chicken Suit. But how would he fare against Rodney Allen Rippy? Book it, Vince.
And yes, I worked Petula Clark, “Annie Get Your Gun” and Rodney Allen Rippy into a Live Blog. Keep THAT in mind when deciding whose Twitter feed you’re following for Raw, you people.
Hey, remember how awful it was when Sasha Banks faked that back injury? Let’s watch it again, with some stirring music.
Charlotte vs. Bayley vs. Sasha for the women’s title. Cole & Graves mention it’s been eight years since Bayley’s first match. I can tell you I watched her in Shimmer, and Davina Rose wasn’t nearly this over.
Aw, hell. RIP Arnold Palmer.
Charlotte is in the ring for her title defense, and it looks like the Botchamania signs went out early for this one.
The women light each other up with chops. We haven’t had a bad match on the main show (knock on pressboard). Charlotte kicks Bayley into Sasha and they knock heads. Charlotte pins Bayley, and the title stays with the blonde (and her assistant).
I saw the Kickoff show already, I don’t need to see the recap.
Time for Rusev defending the US Title against Roman Reigns. I hope all these Reigns fans don’t break the internet with their tweets.
We’d like to thank Marvin Jones for my fantasy football victory earlier today. (Suck it, Jeff.)
Lana asks us to stand and put our hand over our hearts to honor a true American hero. (Jack Swagger?)
We start off at a deliberate pace. The crowd is split, which is a better deal than Reigns usually gets. Rusev gets a lot of offense, which is why the fans are surprised when Roman hits the Superman punch. Lana jumps on the apron for the distraction. Two count.
Now would be a good time for my Brock Lesnar prediction to happen. Nope. Instead, Lana pulls the referee out of the ring before Roman can make the three count. But instead of calling for the DQ, the referee tosses Lana. That’s no fun.
Reigns hits the spear and wins the WWE United States Title. It wasn’t a bad match, but I don’t want to see it again tomorrow on Raw.
WWE No Mercy is in two weeks. Oh, good. I was worried we wouldn’t have another pay-per-view for a while.
The authority figures wish Seth Rollins luck. Seth is so angry at Stephanie, he doesn’t even compliment Foley on his red Santa shirt.
The WWE Ouija Board, exhausted from booking five hours of first-run stuff per week, sends out a desperate plea for help.
Time for our main event. It’s Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins for the ROH Universal Title.
Twenty-one years ago, Kevin Owens’ father took Kevin to his first WWF show. Young Kevin saw Nelson Frazier wrestle and said “I can do that”.
Rollins gets the advantage and runs the announcers out of the Spanish broadcast table. Hopefully, Mr. Trump will address whether we need to put a wall around that table.
Top-rope gutbuster by Owens, followed by a frog splash. These transition spots get more intricate every year.
Jericho swings by to distract Rollins. Doesn’t work. But Jericho gets KO’s foot on the ropes after a pedigree.
And…down goes the referee! (Stupid idiot.) Boy, if only Rollins had a friend to help him out against Owens & Jericho.
Fortunately, a second referee hits the ring just in time to see Owens hit a pop-up powerbomb and pin Rollins.
And just like that, Clash of Champions ends at ten past the hour. That was fun. Go join James and Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com for an emotional broadcast. Torch VIP members, your roundtable will be recording soon. See you tomorrow!