12/2 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: The one where Bryan and Artem pretend they’re high on a man-date slumber party, plus flossing, wills, and pandemic party-planning

By Sarah K., PWTorch contributor


DECEMBER 2, 2020

The Bellas and Artem are shopping for baby clothes in order to introduce the concept of a baby moon. Nikki invited herself and Artem along to their baby moon. Evidently rich people take a vacation before they give birth – even in the middle of a pandemic. Yup, I hate this show and how unreal all of them are.

They’re going to Flagstaff. Okay, now they’ve invited the Mom along. Now Brie has to tell Bryan that she invited 500 people onto their ridiculous rich-people unnecessary vacation. Nikki learns there’s a Russian tradition where the baby gets the father’s first name plus “vich” or “ovich” as the middle name. They’re also figuring out god parents, a thing that is a mostly unnecessary step for most people. Nikki isn’t sure she wants Bryan as the god parent father since he believes that a baby should pick its own religion. Brie has bought Bryan a bike to try to make up for inviting 50 extra people on this vacation. Commercial.

Bryan points out that Brie bought him a bike to try to bribe him into being happy about their intimate family vacation ballooning into a large family gathering during a pandemic. Apparently Nikki, Brie, and Birdie are having a tea party where they wear real dresses and hats and have actual tea. They discuss not really important things like Artem not having a will or if Artem and Nikki break up. I wish they were smarter.

This tea party is very disappointing. There are no birds that help do laundry or talking squirrels. The Mom shows up… and then they take 2 different SUVs to drive to Flagstaff, so, no love for Mother Earth here. Of course they’ve rented a house – something that no one in the socio-economic class that would watch this show could possibly do. I’m apparently supposed to care that the Mom doesn’t want to go on a hike. Ugh, I hate this show. It’s not like the Mom is going to announce something like she’s running an underground gambling ring.

So, they go on this hike. There’s no pirate map, so, this hike is boring. Anyway, they’re speculating that the Mom is stressed because of the Bell’s Palsy she suffered. Bell’s Palsy is caused by a virus… Oh, that’s not going to be discussed on this show. So, later in the day when the Mom is setting up a campsite to make S’mores, the twins plan to ambush her with their concerns. This is a very unnatural meaningless conversation that isn’t going to lead to anything exciting like someone running off to join the circus.

Bryan and Artem watch from in the house and note that it’s looking awkward out there. They ask the Mom to come in to save her from her weird children. The Mom is delighted to be saved from her average IQ kids. Moving on, Artem and Bryan have a man date with a spiritual healer man in a tent with incense. Bryan suggests that they’re gonna do shrooms. Oh, Christ, they bring up this Artem not having a will thing. Uh, is he an American citizen or is he here on a Visa – you know, like the legality of such, blah blah blah.

Artem and Nikki are fishing. Nikki has no idea how to cast off. Nikki continues to babble on about what would happen if they broke up. This is not scintillating TV. Nikki doesn’t know how to floss. Bryan and Artem ride bikes together. They’re looking forward to their visit with Rojilio. Meanwhile the Mom has set up an ice cream sundae buffet. Commercial.

They ramrod rehashing plot points from their book into this segment. This is like the 8 millionth time they brought it up, so, this is not fascinating. I think they’ve agreed to make an appointment with a therapist. This was so uninteresting that I just uploaded a graphic to make a wrapping paper pattern. Uh-huh. So, the man date with Rojilio is on. Bryan is full hog into this. Artem is like not into this. Bryan wrote a note and throws it into the fire. Artem, like a rational adult, did not write a note. Yes, Artem is logically stable. Evidently the man-date is going to be an overnighter. So, he has Artem text something crazy to the girls to make them think that they are high off their asses. Anyway, the girls receive the texts and don’t think it’s a joke.

So, back from break, they decide that grown men cannot complete their own man date slumber party alone. They drive out to wherever the boys are man-date slumberpartying. There’s a camera crew filming this, so, I don’t know why they’re acting like they’re in the Blair Witch Project. Bryan and Artem are having the most boring man-date slumberparty ever in the yurt. They invite the girls to stay. The invitation is declined.

Teasers for next week: It’s implied that Nikki will give birth to a baby.

RECOMMENDED: 11/19 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Brie explains a mucous plug to Nikki, the Bellas discuss leaky nipples and Maxipads, Daniel Bryan watches birth video

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