SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
The Pat McNeill Live blog of WWE SummerSlam is live NOW. The pre-show? That started hours ago:
The All-Star Panel is there to do the Kickoff Show. You have to wonder what else Jerry Lawler found at MC Hammer’s yard sale.
We had the same 12-man tag team match we saw on Smackdown last week. The difference was, tonight the Usos stole the pin from American Alpha. I can also report that, even though all twelve wrestlers are NXT alumni, not a crap was given.
Tom Phillips got humiliated by Chris Jericho & Kevin Owens during an interview. So, the usual then.
Time for Sami Zayn & Neville vs. The Dudley Boyzzzzzzz. (I never know where to stop with the “z”‘s) The Dudleys are still having communication issues, so the Dudleys lose. I’m ready for D-Von to turn on Brother LaMonica, and for them to fight at the Dudley compound.
For a transcript of Lita’s remarks on tonight’s Kickoff Show, send a self-addressed envelope and $8 to…someone else, because I’m not doing it.
On the plus size, Jerry Lawler made a KISS reference, and Lita went it and explained it for the younger viewers. She’s not just another tattooed Paula Abdul.
Coming soon to WWE Network…everything but professional wrestling. (But they have that too.)
Up now: Cesaro vs. Sheamus, Match 1 in their Best of 93 Series. (Actually, every Sheamus feud feels that long.)
“What happens when you combine Mountain Dew, juice and caffeine?” You get a light, delicious Breezango.
“We are just twenty minutes away from the start of SummerSlam.” Then why does it feel like I’ve been watching this since 5 PM?
“Every thing Sheamus does is to inflict pain and punishment.” Yes, and that’s just his promo work.
As you watch this match, keep in mind that this is the same crowd that was going nuts for No Way Jose and Austin Aries last night.
“Great job by Sheamus” exclaims Michael Cole as Sheamus wins with a Greco-Roman poke in the eyes.
You know, I hear that tonight’s Brock Lesnar versus Randy Orton match is fifteen years in the making.
All Brooklyn pay-per-views need to open with Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady. Cass performs a brief snippet of “New York, New York” and Enzo Amore quotes noted Brooklynite Gabe Kaplan…I mean, Christopher Wallace.
Bryon Saxton says Jericho & Owens are out to ruin Enzo’s homecoming. Graves, ever the buzzkill, points out that Enzo’s from Jersey.
A enjoyable opening match, which ends when KO and Y2J hit the old-school Beverly Bounce on Enzo. The bad guys win one for Canada.
Backstage, “Truth to Power” Jon Stewart backs down fr0m Stephanie McMahon. You know Trevor Noah wouldn’t have put up with that.
Time for Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte. I think this might be your Hour Three…I mean, Hour One main event.
This match featured some wild action, but the topper has to be Sasha’s Double Knees To Chesty from the top rope to the floor. And then Sasha’s injured back comes into play, as Charlotte counters a crossface into a cradle and wins the title back.
The crowd wanted Balor to join up with his buddies and form a Club sandwich. Not to be.
Last Tuesday on Smackdown, The Miz called out Apollo Creed, and Carl Weathers came to the ring and kicked his ass.
Mike Mizanin defends the WWE Intercontinental Title against Apollo Crews.
JBL name-checks Pat Patterson. You know that Intercontinental Title tournament Patterson won in Rio? You won’t find that one on WWE Network.
The Miz wins the match clean. Wow. This is a real heartwarming show so far.
John Cena versus AJ Styles. Remember, John Cena is never leaving WWE. There might be a trial separation every so often, but he is NEVER leaving.
JBL says AJ Styles has never been in a big match like this one. Sure, he’s headlined the Tokyo Dome, and worked WrestleMania, but…
This crowd is divided. Some are chanting “John Cena sucks” on one side of the arena, and some on the other side.
Is this match finally over? Really? Well, now I know why they blocked out six hours for SummerSlam. AJ Styles scores the clean fall over John Cena. That was phenomenal. No pun intended. Cena leaves his armband in the ring for the long, slow walk up the ramp.
Last year, Jon Stewart helped make SummerSlam more awesome. What does he have in store for us tonight?
Jon Stewart is joining The New Day. That settles it. Kofi & Xavier are doomed.
New Day vs. The Doctors of Dong. They really need to teach Stewart the trombone so Woods can focus on the match.
Gallows & Anderson put Stewart in the corner and threaten to give him ringpostitis. The crowd chants “Yes!” Darn Republicans.
Fortunately, Big E. runs in and gets his team disqualified to save Stewart. The New Day celebrates keeping the titles by cheating. I feel like we’re not setting a good example.
I could have done without WWE reminding me there’s another pay-per-view in three weeks.
Dolph Ziggler is ready to steal the show. Dean Ambrose is ready to successfully defend his title. Maybe they won’t find themselves at cross purposes.
I’m guessing this will end the streak of the heels winning the first five matches on the show.
There have been some legendary WWE Championship matches at SummerSlam. And then there was the year Kevin Nash wrestled Mabel…
At one point, I wondered if I could take an entire pay-per-view with Mauro Ranallo on play-by-play. As it turns out, I can do it.
Dolph goes for a sleeper hold. JBL references Strangler Lewis, who may have actually been the last wrestler to win a world title with that hold.
So, yeah, Ambrose wins clean with Dirty Deeds. Thank for stopping by, Dolph.
Now, let’s go to the highlights of our week in New York, including various clips of ESPN whoring itself out for WWE.
Time for our big six woman, I mean five woman…Heck, here’s some sort of tag team match.
BREAKING NEWS: Eva Marie has been replaced in the match by the returning Nikki Bella. We hope that’s okay with everyone.
Becky/Carmella/Naomi vs. Natalya/Alexa/Nikki. Natalya just got twerked by Naomi. Avert your eyes, kids.
Nikki gets the hot tag. After some rough sledding with Carmella, Nikki wins with the rack attack. Whatever that match was supposed to be, it wasn’t.
We’d like to thank Wale for “My PYT”, one of the 6,000 official theme songs of SummerSlam.
Maria Menounous tries to interview Rusev and Lana. The job is tougher than it looks.
Let’s see how Finn Balor transforms himself into a human Muppet, and how scary it looks.
It’s Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins for the WWE Global Interstellar Cosmic Championship of the Galaxy.
Balor and Rollins have a good match, especially given that it’s their first time in with each other. Balor kicks out of the Pedigree, which nobody is supposed to do. Balor goes up top. Balor wins with the Coup de Grace. From NXT champion to WWE Red Champion in four months.
It almost makes up for the fans chanting “that belt sucks” at the new Championship Title.
Finn Balor defeated Rusev. Finn Balor defeated Roman Reigns. FIinn Balor just beat Seth Rollins. One thing is obvious. WWE is all-in behind Finn Balor.
It’s time for another epic match, as KFC sends “Colonel Ziggler” out to fight Mike Mizanin, who is wearing a second-rate chicken suit. Colonel Ziggler wins. So, technically, Dolph did beat a champion at SummerSlam this year.
Your next match is for the United States title. And speaking of Rusev and Roman Reigns, here they are. Rusev attacks Reigns before the bell. Reigns destroys Rusev with a chair. The crowd, of course, chants for Heath Slater.
No United States title match tonight. Rusev is unable to compete. So, Roman Reigns is “the guy”, but he can’t be in there with Rusev. Got it.
Time for the main event. Michael Cole and David Otunga get called home, so we have Mauro, JBL, Graves and Saxton calling the next match. Brock Lesnar versus Randy Orton.
The match begins. Suplex City. Suplex City. And then Table City. Seven suplexes, one table destroyed. Lesnar goes to put Orton through a second table, and it’s an RKO From Outta Nowhere. Then a DDT. Then another RKO!
Brock kicks out. Brock fights back. Brock hits Randy with an F5. Randy kicks out. Brock takes the gloves off, literally. Brock punches Orton and elbows him and Orton is busted open. Like a tomato can.
The blood is pooling, and the doctors can’t stop it. Brock Lesnar wins by TKO. That escalated quickly.
Brock beat up Randy some more. And some more. And Shane McMahon comes to the ring and Brock hits an F5 on him too. And Brock walks off.
Well, that was quite a performance. Join us for the VIP Roundtable in a couple of hours. Or check with James and Greg for the Livecast post-game show at the bottom of the hour.