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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
JULY 29, 2023
HARTFORD, CONN.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Nigel McGuinness & Ian Riccaboni (We miss you, J.R.)
Ring Announcer: Dasha Gonzalez
– Heyyy! Welcome back to the only Hits & Misses column that answers the question, “What is a lot?”
COLD OPEN — HIT
Tonight’s cold open hyped both Darby Allin’s open challenge and the AEW Tag Team Championship match that main evented the show. These cold opens are an overwhelming hit with me, and I continue to implore Tony Khan, C.M. Punk, Jerry Lynn, or whomever is in charge of these segments to bring them to Dynamite because these take up a small amount of time, but they pack a big punch.
As for the individual promos:
– Darby Allin’s calm and cerebral delivery is what I imagine it would sound like if Johnny Depp played Norman Bates, and I’m here for it.
– The MJF and Adam Cole portion of this cold open was excellent because of course it was.
– As for FTR, I’ve been hard on their promos these past couple of weeks, but this one hit all the right notes with me, and that’s hard to do because I don’t have frets.
ANDRADE EL IDOLO vs. BUDDY MATTHEWS (w/Julia Hart) — HIT
I have never seen two grown men want to cosplay as Roman Sionis so badly in my entire life. This match contained a buckle bomb (I thought those were banned?), a sunset flip powerbomb onto a bridged ladder, and the memorable image of Idolo climbing the ladder with Julia Hart on his back. Thankfully, this match was not as stupidly violent as I feared it might be, and in fact, I feel like it hit the perfect balance of derring-do, derring-don’t, and derring-devil.
MIRO’S PROMO — MISS
Consistent with everything we know about the characteristic restraint of professional wrestling, Miro was attacked from behind before getting out a single word. By the way, this is why Miro cuts his promos in dimly lit closets; it makes it much less likely he’ll get hit from behind by a soon-to-be-murdered wrestler he has never heard of.
(Also, hire Lana.)
DARBY ALLIN vs. MINORU SUZUKI — HIT
The more I see of Darby Allin, the more I think about a question from this week’s Dynamite-edition of The Wade Keller Pro Wrestling Post-Show (which you can listen to HERE). That show featured a discussion about which wrestlers should make up the next generation of AEW Champions, and I called in and gave a list of five men I would champion to be champions. My list (in this order) included Darby Allin, Miro, Hook, Powerhouse Hobbs, and Ricky Starks.
While I think all five men would make excellent world champions, I listed them in the order I thought would be most advantageous to the company. I had Allin at the bottom of my list and Starks at the top. However, I spent this entire match wondering if I had that list in the right order. Allin can deliver in the ring; he is slowly beginning to deliver on the microphone, and he is over enough that professing affection for Punk was enough to reroute a booing crowd. I’m not saying Allin should be at the top of that list, but I’m not sure he should be at the bottom.
NOT ANNOUNCING SUZUKI IN ADVANCE — MISS
Suzuki is a 55-year-old living legend who should be treated as a special attraction because, for all we know, he may not have that many years left in the tank. I’m not saying every Suzuki appearance needs to be broadcast in 72-point font, but this was his Collision debut, and it feels like you’re leaving “hype” on the table by not advertising it.
CHRISTIAN’S PROMO — MEGA-HIT
OMG, Christian is good at this! He is the smarmiest of smarms. I am fully convinced he rescues kittens in reverse and ties damsels to railroad tracks so he can brag about rescuing them. I can’t wait for the day Luchasaurus chokeslams him into the mouth of a volcano because I’m pretty sure it will also be the same day we learn volcanos have gag reflexes.
TONI STORM’S PROMO & VIDEO PACKAGE — HIT
I want to say… I LOVE Toni Storm. In fact, I was so ahead of the curve on stanning this fantastic athlete that while filming an unreleased pilot episode of a potential Double or Nothing prediction show for PWTorch’s YouTube channel, I went on a fully hinged, modestly-lengthed 40-minute monologue about why Toni Storm is the best thing to happen to women’s wrestling since GLOW (except season 3), and you can watch a two-minute snippet of that totally sane rant HERE.
SAMOA JOE vs. GRAVITY — MINOR HIT
I’m not sure Gravity truly appreciated the gravity of his situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-Gravity, but my theory on Gravity is that no matter how much he tried to defy the odds, he was always destined to go down.
C.M. PUNK PROMO — HIT
C.M. Punk knows that All In is scheduled for next month, and unlike the rest of the company, he isn’t confused by it. However, he is a little confused about how championships work, but in the grand scheme of things that don’t make sense in wrestling, this pales in comparison to companies hiring referees that get knocked out more than extras in kung fu movies.
Speaking of referees, I am personally thrilled that Punk actually acknowledged Starks’s cheating. I don’t know any other sport where cheating is considered such a norm that you don’t even mention it the next day. I am sick of wrestlers saying things like, “The better man won last night,” after getting shot in the neck with a poison dart and then hearing the announcers call it “resourceful.”
Anyway, after a “What’s in the bag?” chant that had nothing to do with pot, Punk pulled out his old championship belt, which I guess is like a medal you get to keep? Who knew? Punk then NWO-ed the belt by spray-painting it with a big black X.
RICKY STARKS’S FIRST ENTRANCE — HIT
Ricky Starks came out and demanded the production truck play his music and ordered everyone watching to pretend they never saw him.
RICKY STARKS’S SECOND ENTRANCE — MEGA-HIT
They pretended they never saw him!
RICKY STARKS’S & PUNK’S BACK ‘N’ FORTH — HIT
The best line of the night came from out of this exchange when Punk said, “Are you the face of Collision, or are you the face of cheating?”
I haven’t seen a murder like that since Vince’s Limo.
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SCHIAVONE’S PSYCHIC ABILITIES — WTF?
The oddest line of the night was when C.M. Punk asked Schiavone to tell the audience the name of the secret guest referee he was thinking of, and Schiavone got it right because magic. To top it off, this was after Tony Khan had already used telepathy to inform Schiavone that the Starks vs. Punk match was next week.
TBH, I’d go see a Schiavone show in Vegas. We could find out if his telepathy is strong enough to warn wrestlers when they’re about to be attacked from behind by a man with a chair standing just off-camera but in clear view of everyone.
THE GRAPHICS TEAM — HIT
Having a pre-made graphic of a belt with a black spray-painted X on it just lying around is a level of preparedness MacGyver couldn’t reach.
THE GUNN CLUB & ROBINSON vs. VIKINGO & MARTIN & ANDRETTI — MISS
Given the athleticism of the men in this match, I honestly had higher expectations. There wasn’t anything overtly bad about this match, but given how hot the rest of the show was, it felt cold and like I had hit fast-forward on a Power Rangers montage.
MERCEDES MARTINEZ vs. KEIRA HOGAN (THE MATCH) — HIT
I am thrilled to see Martinez back on national television again, and by television, I mean the commercial break, mostly.
MARTINEZ vs. HOGAN (THE AFTERMATH) — HIT
After a solid and enjoyable match, Statlander ran out to check on Hogan, and Martinez attacked her. This led to Willow Nightingale (disguised as a normal person) running out to save the day. I’m not sure where this is leading, but if Martinez, Hogan, and Nightingale are involved, it’s definitely leading somewhere good (and that somewhere better not be in a commercial break.)
FTR vs. MJF & ADAM COLE — HIT
MJF hugged a fan before the match, and I’m pretty sure you need a vaccine for that.
The crowd shook the rafters with dueling chants before the first lock-up took place, and they were right to do so. This match was magnificent, even if it didn’t entirely adhere to the rules, which is okay because AEW’s rules are probably written on a roll of two-ply toilet paper anyway.
Regardless, there was no amount of rule-bending, testicular chanting, or improbable spots that could bring this match down. FTR is nearly incapable of having a bad match, and even if they were, MJF & Adam Cole wouldn’t let them.
If you don’t have time to watch the entire show, at least watch this match. It is not something AEW fans should miss.
THE SWERVE — MEGA-HIT
Sometimes the best swerve is no swerve at all.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Collision continues to be a stellar show and better than Dynamite. On this week’s Collision-edition of The Wade Keller Pro Wrestling Post-Show (which you can listen to HERE), Keller said, “I am unexpectedly not resenting AEW adding a fourth live professional wrestling show.” He then went on to say, “If Collision ever gets crappy, I reserve the right to change my mind, but… …I look forward to Collision. This is fun.”
I agree. Collision is better than I ever imagined it would be, and I’m almost getting tired of having to give this show all A’s and B’s, but I can’t give bad grades to good shows.
SHOW GRADE: A
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, always keep an open mind and think for yourself unless you’re near Tony Schiavone because he is telepathic.
(A picture of David Bryant juggling fire can be found on his X account (not porn) @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant playing guitar can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and a Threads account that David Bryant hopes will someday be usable can be found at @IamDavidBryant. Also, having just now read over this paragraph for a third week in a row, I still feel like I could have written this in a more concise manner, but against all odds (not the PPV), I somehow keep making it worse.)
RECOMMENDED NEXT: AEW COLLISION RESULTS (7/29): Keller’s report on MJF & Adam Cole challening FTR, CM Punk speaks, Joe vs. Gravity, Kiera Hogan vs. Mercedes Martinez
OR CHECK OUT JASON POWELL’S REPORT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: AEW Collision results (7/29): Powell’s live review of FTR vs. MJF and Adam Cole for the AEW Tag Titles, Andrade El Idolo vs. Buddy Matthews in a ladder match, ROH TV Champion Samoa Joe vs. Gravity
Subscribe to Wade Keller’s free podcasts by searching “Wade Keller” in your podcast app. They include a weekly flagship episode (blue-logo show) and the post-shows after Raw, Dynamite, Smackdown, and Rampage (red logo show) with a mix of best-of episodes too!
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