SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
It’s night 2 of the draft that completely changes the landscape of WWE, until next year, when we have another draft, that will also change the entire landscape of the WWE. And believe it or not, a year after that we’ll have ANOTHER draft that completely changes the landscape of the WWE. Oh the unexpected twists and turns we’ll ride. So let’s dig into the most overrated and under-appreciated from this drafty episode of Monday Night Raw.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – FACTION COHABITATION
Seeing The Judgment Day mingle with Logan Paul, iShowSpeed, and Patrick Mahomes is kind of refreshing. I feel like there was too much faction separation the past several years. I like seeing faction cohabitation. They can complement each other, share Primes, look normal next to Dominik Mysterios ever-changing shade of mustache. This week he looks like he’s cosplaying Burt Reynolds. Oh Dom, always the risk taker, willing to take one for the team to keep us from being distracted by J.D. McDonagh’s big head. I appreciate you, dog. Also that’s the first time I think I’ve used “dog” in a sentence and maybe pulled it off. What do you think dog? Nope. Ruined it. Put this dog of a joke down. Also I have to give props to Logan Paul for calling Jey Uso the ugly Uso brother. It’s particularly heelish and funny because they’re twins. Get it? Get it?!
OVERRATED – RULES OF THE DRAFT
WWE, do we really need a seven-line graphic outlining the ins and outs of how the draft will work? It’s simpler than chocolate milk. Celebs come out, take turns announcing, you play music and show a graphic. Rinse and repeat. We don’t need a red, white and blue-adorned graphic giving us an explanation the length of “Pride and Prejudice.” Maybe if we spent less time designing and writing this lengthy graphic, someone would have noticed that Pat McAfee is going for casual Monday tonight. No suit jacket? Not even from Men’s Warehouse? For shame, McAfee. For shame.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – FLACCID SIGNS
If you go back and watch Becky Lynch’s entrance, they hilariously cut to a fan with (presumably) a pro-Becky sign. Unfortunately for him, his sign was limper than a ’90s bizkit (spelling is correct for my joke’s sake, sue me). It’s okay, dear fan. It happens to everyone. There are dozens of sites devoted to this issue, but they never stay up for long (Eh? Eh?). I get it though. You wanted to impress the girl, you got overly excited, and what you were waiting to unleash let you down. There’s always next time. It’s the thought that counts. If you don’t get my quip, give it a minute, it’s not hard… Anyway, I’m forever dubbing this fan as Flaccid Sign Guy, the clear predecessor to our beloved, red-hatted sign guy, only with a lot less bold font, so to speak.
OVERRATED – DRAFTING REDUNDANCY
Stephanie McMahon graced us with her presence to deliver the monumental, epic, landscape of WWE-changing first pick in round 2 of the draft, Gunther…to stay on Raw…where’s he’s been the entire time. Thrilling. I feel like someone just told me I have to see “John Wick 5”, only to find that they just put in the same fights from part 4. I’m kidding, Mr. Wick. All of your adventures are violent poetry that soothes my soul. Also, don’t hurt me. But seriously, why have a draft if we’re just going to draft what we already have? Where are the Shyamalan-esq twists? Where are the surprises? Give me something to unwrap here or it’s going to be a disappointing Christmas morning. I wish we had Mick Foley here tonight, as Santa Claus, right here…in Kansas City! Here’s hoping we have a few actual changes during this epic draft where everything (might) change.
OVERRATED – MORE REDUNDANCY
Welp, I was wrong. Jade Cargill was drafted to staying right where she is. In a very misleading way, Stephanie McMahon said a storm is heading to SmackDown before revealing that no, a storm is actually staying right where it is. Speaking of storms, this is starting to feel like a 5-days of rain forecast on what could have been a great vacation. Rain rain, go away, everyone on their brands wants to stay. Sigh. I’m so bummed at the lack of excitement that I’m resorting to retooling children’s songs to entertain myself. At least Damage CTRL was drafted to Raw, but I have to be honest, I didn’t even recall which brand they were on, so I don’t think that counts. Fortunately, up next we got Kevin Owens, who…oh…is staying right where he is on SmackDown.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – LUDWIG “THE QUESTION” KAISER
Did anyone else notice how Samantha Irvine introduced Ludwig Kaiser during his entrance with Gunther. She did it with epic perplexity, like his name is actually a question, or he’s a character suspected of murder in “Clue.” Is Ludwif Kaiser secretly The Riddler? That, or rather those, are the questions, and he is all the answers, if Samantha’s cadence is to be trusted. Someone give Samantha a raise. She literally brands and elevates every character she announces. If only she could boost Ricochet up into an interesting persona. Sigh, you can’t bring work home and you can’t bring your home to work I suppose.
OVERRATED – NEW DAY’S CHOPPED
While it’s a solid match, Xavier Woods versus Gunther should not be as evenly matched of a contest as it is. Gunther should be demolishing Woods without any selling or struggle. Woods, the only non-heavyweight champion in New Day history, doesn’t deserve the level of offense he’s getting on a guy who held and elevated a title for 666 days. That said, I will give Pat McAfee props for the clever “New…Day’s chopped” chant.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – LIV AND DOM’S SNEAKY SNEAKY
Okay this is a hot Easter egg. Go back and watch Jey Uso and Cathy Kelley’s backstage promo. Watch in the background. You see Liv Morgan exit a room and walk down the hallway. Then, a few seconds later we see Dominik Mysterio exit the same room and walk down the hallway. The plot thickens! I love that WWE is doing this. It’s so fun.
OVERRATED – OVERMODULATION
Someone please explain how mics work to iShowSpeed. Mr. Speed, iShow, you don’t need to scream into the mic, sir. I think you’re on a bit of a sugar high from too many Primes. Ease off of the artificial sweeteners, take a step back from the mic, and chill a little.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – PAT MCAFEE’S REAR RHYTHM
I legitimately almost choked on a ginger ale during Jey Uso’s interruption of Logan Paul. Pat McAfee, like always, engaged in the Yeet Wave to an annoying degree. That said, after Michael Cole told him “you’re making an ass out of yourself,” Pat had the greatest line I think he’s ever had on WWE television. He responded with “Are you looking at my ass? It’s in perfect rhythm!” Good lord was that funny. My Canada Dry Ginger Ale almost got yeeted all over my TV screen.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – LOGAN GIVES J.D. MCDONAGH FACIAL RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY
I would like to personally thank Logan Paul for taking 3 Super Bowl victories and weaponizing them against the face of J.D. McDonagh. No matter what happens to him after this, it’s an improvement.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – BRAUN’S MONSTROUS RETURN
Braun Strowman coming to the side of Jey Uso was so gratifying. He looks bigger, better and badder than ever. He looks like he’d scare the Yeet out of a monster among men. Forget that moniker. Braun Strowman is the monster that scared off all the other monsters. Man it feels good to see him back in a WWE ring with all of that intensity, meat and rage. Welcome, back sir.
OVERRATED – 1920S DETECTIVE BOOKER T
With regard to his inexplicably curly-ended mustache, someone please inform Booker T that he is neither Captain Hook, or a 1920s detective solving a whimsical caper on the streets of London? It’s distracting. Also I hate it. Also do we really need to color code our outfits? Why so blue, Book? Can’t solve the case? Oh look, now it’s Adam Pearce, who’s wearing so much red he looks like he’s trying to sell Kool-Aid. He’s wearing so much vibrant red that he could go jogging at night with Ray Charles and Helen Keller (if, ya know, they weren’t deceased) and he’d keep everyone safe. Unless he was running with zombie versions of them. Then he’d see even more red. Let’s not go there. We’re in the middle of the epic, everything stays the same draft after all!
UNDER-APPRECIATED – DREW MCINTYRE’S PIPE BOMBERY
Drew McIntyre interrupting Booker T after he brags about the drafting of C.M. Punk to Raw with “Tell me you didn’t just say that” was glorious. Drew is just on fire right now with meta throwbacks, one-liners, and pipe bombs galore. He has enough pipe bombs to open an explosives shop at this point.
OVERRATED – DRAFT BLOOPERS
While the A.P.A. took the stage to announce draft picks, Ron Simmons hilariously called Elektra Lopez, Electro Lopez. Apparently she’s a Spider-Man villain now…DAMN.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – UGLY STEP-MOTHER
During this Candice LeRae versus Maxxine Dupri match, I thought Dupri showed some real fire, fluidly and improvement in the ring. I wouldn’t say she’s not fully green in the ring, but she’s graduated to greenish blue, or a nice teal at this point. Particularly worthy of mentioning was her kip up. While massively overdone by virtually every wrestler on earth, hers has an impressive look and fluidity to it. It’s almost like she did it in slow motion, and the way she stood up was like something out of a horror movie (in a good way). It was very Bray Wyatt-esq. Also, while I think Candice LeRae’s stomp move looks underwhelming, calling it the Ugly Step-mother is brilliant. Get it? Get it?! Because she’s STEPPING on someone and it could smash their face and render them ugly. I ruined the joke didn’t I? I ugly step-mothered it. Sigh. Moving on.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – DREW MCINTYRE HATES MONEY
That was a killer shot of Drew McIntyre angrily storming through the V.I.P. suites looking for punk. It was fluid, pristine camera work that maneuvered effortlessly through 2 environments, not missing a second of the action. I also love that C.M. Punk left Drew an autograph. Classic Punk, amiright? That was pretty nice of him. I don’t know why Drew crumbled it up. Drew you could sell that on EBay, for a lot more than a McIntyre autograph. You claim to be smarter than everyone else but you basically just tore up $300. Drew McIntyre clearly hates money.
OVERRATED – ALLEGED TIME KEEPING
I like the little angle of C.M. Punk saying he can finish his promo in less time than Drew McIntyre held the title at mania, and him recruiting Pat McAfee to time him. But would it kill WWE to put a timer on the screen? I for one want to know how accurate the time-keeping is. They created a mini format beat here and I want to see it play out accurately. Time is money, and I know Drew hates money, but Punk sure as hell doesn’t.
OVERRATED – J.D. GETS DRAFTED
I’m very disappointed that J.D. McDonagh got drafted, albeit by association with The Judgment Day. That said, I think Dominik Mysterio’s mustache plays a more prominent role in the fact than McDonagh does. I was really hoping he’d be drafted to WWE Speed. Que sera sera I suppose. The only thing more annoying than this is the fact that The Judgment Day getting drafted to Raw is yet another anti-climactic, non-change that didn’t change the entire landscape of the WWE, as they have so eloquently hyped for the last week. At least SmackDown’s next pick will surely be someone new to the brand. And…Naomi…staying right where she is. What is this draft?! I feel like someone said come watch a new season of “Breaking Bad” and then proceeded to just show me season 3 again. Granted, it was a GREAT season, but don’t promise me something fresh and deliver me a crate of old bananas. Ship the old bananas to J.D. McDonagh.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – A FRESH PICK!
Finally someone drafts a surprise, with Raw taking Ilja Dragunov. He’s a special talent and this is the kind of call up that makes the draft exciting. I wouldn’t say this redeems a night of redundancies, but it’s a nice change of pace and I can’t wait to see what he does on Raw.
OVERRATED – TOO LATE
It’s a shame Nia Jax is moving to Smackdown because she and Liv Morgan have some solid chemistry. This is the most I’ve enjoyed a Nia Jax match in a while. I don’t know who to credit for this, but Liv’s kicks to Nia look brutal and sound realistic. I also particularly like seeing Nia throw someone around like a Raggedy Ann doll. Remember those? I used to do the same before WWE came out with wrestling buddies. That doll always pinned me no matter how much dangerous offense I delivered onto couch cushions. But I digress. Special props to Naomi’s amazing looking (and sounding) kick to an interfering Tiffany Stratton.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – TOZAWA FLIPS OUT
During The Awesome Truth versus Alpha Academy march, The Miz fed Akira Tozawa a boot that literally sent him back flipping off the ring apron, to the floor below. That was some of the best selling of a simple kick I’ve seen in a long time. That man flipped faster than a politician being blackmailed, after being caught on tape doing something unsavory. That made my jaw drop and completely shooshed me.
OVERRATED – TOO MUCH FAKE BLOOD
I like that WWE occasionally uses makeup to enhance injury angles. That said, in the case of revealing what’s left of J.D. McDonagh’s face (after a shot to the face from Logan Paul), he looks like the recipient of a punch, and more like a “Home Alone” villain. It looks like some adolescent tricked him into taking a hot waffle iron to the fake. It’s a bit much.
UNDER-APPRECIATED – SLEEPY JEY
The main event with Jey Uso, Ricochet and Andrade was solid, if not a little lackluster. That said, for the first time in a very long time, Jey Uso looked completely blown up by the end of that match. Did he just have a massive dinner? Turkey isn’t recommended before Raw (or IN the raw for that matter), Jey. Rest up before France!
I’ll be back Friday, on the eve of WWE saying bonjour. See you then!
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