10/12 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (ep. 2): Stick shift, masturbation puns, calorie counting cost Nikki a date, Bryan’s anti-quickie philosophy


OCTOBER 12, 2016

Episode 2 opens with a recap of Episode 1. The focus isn’t on the weird house rules, but rather on the sex talk. Nikki is really proud to repeatedly bring up “Kama Sutra.” Watching her say “Kama Sutra” feels like watching a child who has just learned a new word and wants to repeat it repeatedly without actual context. Kama Sutra – for those of you familiar with Google – is an ancient tome of Sanskrit literature about sex. Nikki Bella doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who’s read it. But this is the second episode in which she’s proudly said it.

The Mom and Johnny Ace are eloping. Scandalous! Wedding episodes are everything on these shows. Don’t they know that? Also, they’re not actually eloping because either WWE or one of the Bellas posted pics of their actual wedding on Instagram about a month ago. Anyway, I’m a bit under the weather this week so I took notes. I don’t remember the context, but Bryan says to Brie “I love you infinity plus one” and that should have been the line of the night. If nothing else, it makes Bryan a likable guy.

Six minutes into the episode, John Cena teaches Brie Bella how to drive stick shift on his Jeep. He seems like a normal guy doing it. And thankfully the producers don’t try to tease this segment as some weird twin affair! By reality TV standards – this is a miracle. However, it has to be a passive-aggressive moment, thus Creepy Brother’s sister-in-law is in town and will teach Bryan to swim. You see Bryan had been planning to teach Brie to drive a stick, but she was happy to have Cena do it, so, yeah, someone other than Brie has to teach Bryan something. We finally make it to the pool. Sadly the floaties from last week don’t make an appearance.

John Cena makes a masturbation joke. He’s from Massachusetts, and was a debater, ergo you get the joke. They’re trying to make him seem human, ladies. Nikki and Brie go to Nikki’s doctor. Or as I wrote this in my notes: “Go to doctor – bitch, we say bitch again.” “Bitch” is kind of like “Kama Sutra” from a word usage standpoint. Please see paragraph one.

Prenups! After a dress up dinner, the boys are gathered together in the smoking room (where no smoking occurs). Johnny Ace is thinking about consulting a lawyer about a prenup for his impending nuptials to the Mom. He asks the guys about it. John Cena goes into someone-should-have-edited-this-out mode and says that prenups are like hand guns. You get one for home protection and hope not to use it. In reality, most hand guns bought for home protection end up being used on people who live in the home, not intruders or criminals. I guess John Cena didn’t learn hand gun stats as a Mass debater.

We move on to a discussion of Brie and Bryan’s sex life. Bryan feels that quickies focus entirely on the penis, boobs, and that part that Donald Trump thinks it’s okay to grab without permission if you’re famous. Bryan is a fan of ambiance and intimacy. Somehow, there’s still probably more fan fiction about John Cena than Daniel Bryan on the Internet, isn’t there, ladies? Bryan is clearly the more likable guy.

We’re in a restaurant again. Brie is embarrassed that the Mom is getting married for the third time. We learn that Creepy Brother was really attached to the second husband and didn’t take it well when it ended. There’s a weird conversational moment about how it’s rude for Brie to say she’s embarrassed. The Mom dresses her down by telling her that she might be embarrassed that Brie walked down the aisle at her wedding with no shoes on. In literature this is called a logical fallacy. Normal people would probably just say it’s petty. It didn’t make Mom look like “Mom of the Year.”

Brie and Bryan are tired of being servants to helpless post-neck surgery Nikki. Nikki wants Brie to spray tan her. Bryan declines the offer to help. During this tender bathroom moment Brie and Nikki commiserate over John not spending enough time with Nikki despite not being at work constantly. Nikki thought that since they were both rehabbing that they would be together more. This is not the case. So, John and Nikki are gonna go out to dinner. But Nikki admits that she’s already consumed her calories for the day and John Cena LITERALLY describes this revelation as “you lied to me.” Yes, ladies, John Cena – Worst Boyfriend Ever. So, instead of spending a tender moment having a calorie free protein shake with Nikki, John announces that he’s leaving, presumably to spend time at the gym. Remember, they were going to have a nice dinner.

After telling Nikki that she lied, John Cena literally walks off. This seems to be a theme: John Cena leaves. Anyway, Nikki follows him back into the house, and they sorta make up, but John Cena is still literally leaving to go to the gym even though he resolves to spend more time with Nikki in the future. Remember, they’re now not having the date they were going to have because of calories. Jesus Christ.

The episode closes on the issue of the prenup. Johnny didn’t talk about it with the Mom before discussing it with the Boys. Creepy Brother told Brie. Brie tells Mom. Mom is mad that she knew last – not about the concept of the thing. Somehow, even though Mom is mad at Johnny – Johnny manages to smooth this out before the show goes off the air. It’s weird, but Johnny Ace is one of the more likable characters on this show, along with, of course, Daniel Bryan.

Teaser for next week is that Creepy Brother wants a try-out (didn’t we already learn this lesson with Vinnie in an episode of Total Divas?) and Bryan is having a mid-life crisis based on his forced retirement.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REVIEW OF EPISODE ONE: 10/5 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (ep. 1): John Cena confirms he is still Worst Boy Friend Ever, also now Worst Host on season premiere

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