SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 16
MAY 10, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Oh, it’s the season finale – with events from last August and September. SummerSlam will happen, Eva Marie will be suspended, and probably at the very end of the episode Brie Bella will be pregnant. Spoiler alert: her kid was born tonight.
So, the show opens at SummerSlam, and then we will probably go back and forth through time to find out that Nikki Bella makes her HUGE IMPORTANT COMEBACK (alternate reality of reality show) at this event. Nattie and Naomi discuss their mystery partner backstage. Then we move on to Miz and Maryse where the Miz is operating a leaf blower so that Maryse can take a selfie where her hair is blowing in the wind. Who hasn’t, right? They discuss throwing a party. Next up at Nikki Bella’s beach house, she’s bummed that she’s not booked on TV. She’s feeling ignored; I’d love to oblige her in that.
Renee makes a token appearance explaining that SS is the second biggest PPV of the year. Next up Maryse and Nattie discuss Maryse’s party and that it needs a theme. Nattie thinks they should do a prom theme. They run this idea past the Miz; he boasts of his prom status. Hark, it’s the voice of Mauro Ranallo from the last SD before SummerSlam. Nattie and Carmella are having a match against Becky and (other babyface who was Becky’s partner, yeah, I was typing and missed that). Eva Marie does a run-in, therefore appearing on the show, and Naomi chases after her, causing the babyfaces to lose the match.
The ever-changing never-ending opening segment takes us to an arena where WWE Superstars are arriving. Then Miz & Maryse are at a cafe discussing the prom party. Miz is not high on the idea of the prom theme. Here we learn that Maryse never got to go to the prom because her date ditched her two hours before prom. The Miz changes his tune and asks Maryse to their prom party. We then find out that Eva is suspended, and cut to commercial.
So, back from commercial, Eva will be suspended for 30 days (which will last much longer than 30 days). She’s suspended because her paperwork for the prescription that she’s had since she was 18 is late. That seems magically lame. Next up, Lana and Brie Bella are discussing Eva and the prom party. Brie makes an excuse for the WWE’s Wellness Policy. Since Eva’s suspended, Lana would like to take her place. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Next up, at a restaurant with Brie and Bryan, Brie is self-conscious about her eyebrows, she thinks that people really care about how they look. Meanwhile, Brie suggests to Bryan that Nikki should be used to fill the spot vacated by Eva Marie.
Lana goes dress shopping with her sister. She tries on an Elsa dress. It looks nice on her, even if it’s kinda cheesy. Lana decides to go with a tuxedo. Evidently, Lana plans to out dance Naomi at the prom party. “Put your money where your mouth is, and I’ll see you at the prom, girlfriend,” says Naomi. Ugh. We move on to the segment with the Bella Twins buying sweets. This is the clip from YouTube where Brie tells Nikki that she asked Bryan to get Nikki on SummerSlam and Nikki acts completely indignant. Nikki talks down to Brie. Brie has to defend herself to the asinine behavior from Nikki. Since the wrong thing always happens on this show, Brie will probably end up apologizing to Nikki. SMH.
Back from commercial, a collection of (female) Superstars are going to do a fitness demonstration. Nattie, Renee, Lana, Summer Rae, and Naomi are our instructors. Naomi and Lana continue their friendly feud over who is going to out-dance the other at the prom party. Meanwhile, at a hotel somewhere, Brie and Bryan discuss the fight that she had with Nikki. Bryan explains that Brie is going to apologize to Nikki. Yes, that just happened. SMH. So, back to Lana’s plan to “crush Trinity” in the dance battle. She and Nattie are at a studio to practice some dance moves. Lana was a professional dancer; Nattie is really bad at dancing. Nattie is very enthusiastic, but clearly has no rhythm.
Nikki and Brie are in a car on the way to a Birdie Bee meeting. Nikki is still mad at Brie. Brie is going to apologize. Nikki has a bullshit justification for why Brie needs to apologize because Nikki needs to accomplish things on her own. I sigh, and I still wish one-third of this show wasn’t boring, contrived Bella twins nonsense. Meanwhile, the Miz has bought Maryse a dress for their prom. The dress is apparently a replica of the one that Maryse would have worn to prom had she went as a teenager. So, let’s get this party started. There’s an ice sculpture. Maria Menounos is there. Big Show, the Usos, and Mr. Belding are in attendance. Mr. Belding announces that there will be a prom king and queen. Cue a rendition of the “Saved By The Bell” theme with footage of the prom shown with the SBTB intro graphics. Nattie decides which SBTB characters the WWE personnel in attendance correspond to. Oh, it’s time for the Lana and Naomi dance off. They both proclaim that they will be the winner. Cut to commercial.
Jon starts off the dance off with some slightly suspect moves, then it’s Nattie’s turn, then Lana’s. Lana is, indeed, wearing a tuxedo. She can put her leg all the way over her head. Naomi does a mic drop. Mr. Belding announces that it’s a tie. Miz and Maryse are then declared the prom king and queen.
Hey, it’s the voice of Mauro Ranallo introducing us to SummerSlam. Lana still thinks she has a chance to be the replacement. Back to the footage from the opening of the show with Nattie and Naomi still not knowing who Eva’s replacement will be. If it’s ten months later, is it a spoiler alert that it’s Nikki Bella? Well, we have to wait until after commercial to find out about the thing that happened ten months ago.
Renee makes another token appearance, with her voiceover from the pre-show. Not unlike the audience at SummerSlam, we will find out on Total Divas that it’s Nikki Bella rounding out the six-woman tag match when Nikki’s intro music hits, except we abruptly cut to commercial. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes, seriously, two commercial breaks to get to the big reveal from ten months ago.
Back from commercial, we get the Renee Young voiceover again, and finally that Nikki Bella entrance. Nikki does her stripper dance. They show a shot of John Cena (presumably) looking at a monitor. According to Nikki herself, this is the greatest reaction ever. They show footage of Nikki on offense. Then we get some footage of Naomi on offense. Nikki gets the pin on Carmela, and the heel team wins. Yeah, the heel team. Anyway, they replay the footage of Stephanie announcing that the women are no longer Divas, but (female) Superstars. Anyway, everyone praises Nikki. Then we close the show with Brie Bella and a positive pregnancy test. Brie is elated. Cue footage for the season of Total Bellas that will air in the fall. Yes: the fall. Did I mention that the baby was born tonight? Oh yeah, it was. I guess now we wait for the fall so that next May they can drag this kid’s birth out until fall of 2018. I’m only half-kidding.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 5/3 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Miz obsessed with Fantasy Football while Maryse wants sexy time, Cats & Dogs, Nikki’s new finisher