SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist
Yes, PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill has been listening to old Al Jarreau songs on YouTube, and he’s about ready for this show.
So, James Ellsworth bought Carmella skybox tickets for tonight’s show, which they’re already attending for free. Happy Valentine’s Day, Carm!
Booker T is on the preshow panel. He and David Otunga should switch jobs and make Smackdown 87% more watchable.
WrestleMania 33 ad. I’ve decided I don’t want the green light.
Mojo Rawley vs. Curt Hawkins. Mojo played for Maryland? No wonder I don’t like him.
Curt Hawkins is wearing a singlet in a color I can only describe as “jobber blue”.
Commercial break. Yes, JBL slipped and fell during his ring entrance. Give credit to Kevin Dunn. He was johnny-on-the-spot and immediately showed JBL’s fall in slow motion, as if The Shockmaster were in the house. Good times.
JBL leaks that Rawley’s nickname in college was “Iron Sheik” due to his weightlifting prowess. Or his prank calls to B. Brian Blair. Whichever.
When we return to the preshow set, Booker and Sam Roberts are playing “Battleship”. (As far as you know).
Renee thinks Sam Roberts can take Ellsworth in a fight. I think I could take Shane McMahon in a fight, but none of us four should be wrestling on pay-per-view.
In case you’ve forgotten, Greg Parks and I will be doing the postgame show over on PWTorchLivecast.com after the show. (515) 605-9345.
Opening for the main show. Nothing says “dangerous, violent cage match” like some light piano music.
Tom Phillips reads the opening verbiage. Mauro Ranallo’s microphone isn’t getting turned on until both wrestlers are in the ring, right?
Rebecca The Red vs. Our Gal Mickie is the opening match. The German play-by-play guy sounds like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show.
JBL says the Elimination Chamber is the worst thing he’s ever been in. He’s forgotten that barbed wire cage match with Big Show. (But I haven’t.)
If you’re watching the Grammys instead of this, I’m afraid we can’t be friends. Unfollow me.
Becky Lynch has combined two types of hosiery to create one of those full body condoms Dennis Miller used to joke about.
Lynch wins with a jackknife rollup. That was good!
James Ellsworth bought Carmella skybox tickets to tonight’s WWE show. What a great idea for Tuesday in Anaheim, if you’re looking for a divorce.
It’s time for an exciting two on one handicap match with Apollo Crews. (Said no one, ever.)
Ziggler attacks Kalisto during his entrance and uses him to wipe out the FlatTron. Okay. I stand corrected.
Crews vs. Ziggler in a singles match. That’s better.
Perfectly acceptable match. Kalisto returns to make it two-on-one, and Ziggler misses the blind tag to Crews. So much for that. Ziggler snaps after the match and wears out Kalisto & Crews with a chair. Who could have seen that coming?
Time for tag team turmoil. And who drew Number One? Slater and Rhyno. Sorry, fellows. Second team is Breezango, wearing the Village People outfits from their “In The Navy” music video.
We meet the various worldwide announce teams. I didn’t understand one word the Pig Latin announcers said. JBL lets slip that Tom Phillips isn’t allowed to talk during matches. (Unless he’s calling NXT or Main Event, of course.)
Shouldn’t the guys with the Fashion Police gimmick be on the red carpet at the Grammys? Rhyno hits the gore, and Breezango is gone. The Vaudevillians’ music now sounds like Regal’s music. Yeah, can’t we just give them bad British accents and be done with this gimmick?
Slater pins a Vaudevillian. Usos are up next. As poorly as the tag teams have been booked, the fans are into Rhyno and Slater.
And of course the WWE Network craps out on me during American Alpha’s entrance. Nice work, people. Yes, American Alpha survives and beats The Usos. Yes, The Usos beat the crap out of Jordan and Gable after the fall. Again. Some more.
Ascension is out last, dressed as Road Warrior Animal and Jeff Hardy. They hit their finisher on a half-dead Jordan, and can’t pin him. So, they’re useless. American Alpha wins with Grand Amplitude. Well, Jordan and Gable are over. Now all we need is a heel tag team WWE hasn’t booked into the ground yet.
Next match is Nikki Bella vs. Natalya in a Total Divas/Total Bellas crossover. Worlds are colliding, Jerry!
“John will never marry you!” Unless she signs a prenup. I’m just saying.
You know, I want to root for the babyfaces and boo the heels, but Nikki Bella just said she didn’t win the WWE Divas’ Title because of her looks.
“Natalya’s bitter because of Nikki’s success”. And because her husband was nearly killed during a dark match. I’m just saying.
I like that Nikki’s wearing Clemson colors. Or Phoenix Suns colors. I’ve heard it both ways.
We’re in Bellas Country. Is it me, or is JJ Bella rooting for Natalya?
JBL: “There’s nothing like beating someone up in front of their family”. Pretty sure they actually testified to that at the Nuremberg trials.
Natalya with the Sharpshooter. Nikki with the STF. Well, we know who’s going to win that battle.
A double countout? Really? Are we doing Cena & Nikki vs. Nattie & Teddy Hart at WrestleMania?
In the skybox, James Ellsworth agrees with everything Carmella’s just said. He has that boyfriend thing down cold.
Harper vs. Orton video package. “Randy Orton destroyed my family”. So this is “Kramer vs. Kramer” with big sweaty dudes.
“I’ve never seen Randy Orton more dangerous”. The follow-up joke to JBL’s line is too mean, and that’s by my standards.
“Randy Orton’s father headlined the first WrestleMania”. Sure. Just like Stephanie McMahon headlined the last one.
The crowd chants “This is awesome!” Listen, I’m enjoying this match, but the Bureau of Weights & Measures needs to recalibrate the awesomeness scale.
As you’ve probably guessed, I’m running two minutes behind the actual show so the feed doesn’t crap out again. It works.
Orton hits the RKO. Three guesses where that RKO came from. “Randy Orton is going to WrestleMania!” Still? That victory didn’t take him out of contention?
WWE Network ad, where you can watch every WWE pay-per-view in 2017, even the ones we just made up before the show.
WWE made a whole new Elimination Chamber for tonight. I missed where they sold the old Chamber for scrap.
Natalya attacks Nikki backstage. Come on, ladies. There’s no call for backstage violence. This isn’t the Grammy Awards.
Women’s Title match. You know, that glow in the dark outfit totally distracted me from Naomi’s awful entrance music.
“You’re stepping on her hair!” “I know!” It’s hard not to like Alexa Bliss.
I’m not saying Mauro’s having a rough night, but I think he had Bliss winning the title back at SuperClash III.
“This is not a chess match!” JBL’s right. The correct term is “table game entertainment”.
Naomi hits the split-legged moonsault and wins the Smackdown Women’s Title. Sadly, that ends my hope of Naomi replacing Otunga on commentary.
The crowd chants “You Deserve It” at Naomi. So remember, if you win a title and the fans don’t chant that, you don’t deserve it.
Tune in to “Holy Foley” tomorrow, where Mick takes the family to WallyWorld.
Elimination Chamber time. AJ Styles and John Cena get to start the match. They’re probably trusting the right two guys. We actually get some near falls. And lots of “AJ Styles” chants.
Ambrose is in third. Okay, the favorites have to work the longest. Mauro calls the Chamber a “dangerous edifice”. Watch, that’ll be the name of the June Raw pay-per-view.
Dean Ambrose hits an elbow from the top of the pod onto Cena. Why, yes, that WAS the transition spot. You’re catching on.
Bray Wyatt is in fourth. He joins Ambrose and Styles for a top-pod superplex spot. Ouch. Baron Corbin is fifth. He kills the other four guys. No eliminations yet.
Miz is last, and he has no interest in leaving the pod. Which allows Ambrose to roll up Corbin and pin him. And then there were five. Corbin beats up Ambrose and won’t leave the pod until he’s finished beating up Ambrose. There. He’s done.
Miz pins the recently deceased Dean Ambrose. We’re down to four. Cena finishes off Miz. Down to three. AJ and Bray try to team up on Cena. Super Cena has his work cut out for him. Again. Some more.
Bray Wyatt finally pins John Cena with Sister Abigail. Look at all the sad Cena fans. And it’s Styles vs. Wyatt. Styles goes on the attack, and is clearly the fan’s choice here.
But Bray Wyatt wins anyway. Okay then.
Greg and I are going to do a truncated Livecast show. We’ll see you tomorrow night for Raw. Thanks for joining us.