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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
TAPED MARCH 7, 2024, IN DULUTH, GEORGIA
AIRED MARCH 9, 2024 ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness, and not Kevin Kelly (because his career was maliciously sabotaged by the artist formerly known as Twitter).
– Hey! It’s great to be back in the saddle (horses hate me) after a whirlwind trip that took me to 12 cities in 7 states and ended with me getting engaged to a very attractive man in his 20s who suffers from blindness, I assume.
Anyway, welcome back to another of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses columns, which is the only Hits & Misses column that is dictated live into a tape recorder and then later transcribed in an attempt to save time, which it never does. Also, to be clear, when I say “later transcribed,” I mean entirely re-written, and when I say “dictated live,” I mean screamed into a tape recorder like Courtney Love having a breakup.
COLD OPEN — WELL CRAP
– This beloved (by me) segment apparently rode off into the sunset while I was busy having multiple car crashes in 12 cities in 7 states (a thing that actually happened), and I’m frankly surprised to have returned to discover that it has ridden off into the sunset because the sun is 92.324 million miles away, and that seems like an overly dramatic exit for anything.
NEW PYRO – HIT
I loved seeing tonight’s pyro utilize the contours of AEW’s new set. It reminded me a little bit of Smackdown back in the day.
AEW’S NEW SETS – MISS
I did not love seeing the contours of AEW’s new set. It reminded me a little bit of TNA back in the day.
BRYAN DANIELSON vs. SHANE TAYLOR (w/Lee Moriarty) — HIT
This match was fantastic because of course it was. My only wish is that AEW would utilize Shane Taylor at an even higher level going forward. Taylor has massive amounts of charisma, incredible in-ring abilities, and a great look when he is not wearing whatever it was he wore tonight. (Please bring back Taylor’s black ring gear because, much like AEW’s new set, those were not the contours I was looking for tonight.)
However, this match was exactly what I was looking for tonight, and therefore, it was a big bit with me.
WILL OSPREAY TALKS SANDWICHES WITH BRYAN DANIELSON — HIT
Will Ospreay’s voice sounds like a bass amp fell down a water well, but it works. In fact, if I could get away with it, I’d try to sound that way, too, but I can’t get away with it because my voice sounds like a small child fell down a helium well, which, for Kevin Kelly’s sake, I would like to clarify is an analogy and not a thing that happens.
MATTHEW JACKSON & NICHOLAS JACKSON & OKADA vs. ADRIAN ALANIS (NO RELATION TO MORRISETTE), & LIAM GRAY (NO RELATION TO CONAN) & JON CRUZ (RELATED TO SERPENTICO… MAYBE) — MINOR-HIT
This match was a squash, and while squashes aren’t exactly my favorite thing to consume, this one was less “zucchini” and more “pumpkin.”
PAC RETURNS FOR THE TENTH TIME — HIT
While there’s a solid 60 percent chance Pac will soon get sucked back into whichever bi-monthly void Lance Archer disappears into, I’m going to enjoy this run while it lasts (especially if Penta and Eddie Kingston are involved.)
DARBY ALLIN IS LEAVING TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST — THAT TRACKS
Darby Allin is leaving to do a very Darby thing, and while he is gone, I am going to miss watching his long-running feud with mortality. Please hurry back, and please remember that Peter Pan’s line about man’s “greatest adventure” was not meant to be aspirational.
MARIAH MAY vs. TRISH ADORA — HIT
For a six-minute match, this was way better than I was expecting. I think one reason I may have liked it so much is I’m lucky enough to get to watch the Fite TV feed of AEW Collision with my fiancé because he currently lives in Australia. Sadly, I will lose access to that when he moves in with me in the fall, which means I will lose access to two-thirds of most women’s matches.
That is not okay.
Losing access to the commercial-free feed of AEW’s shows shouldn’t mean losing access to two-thirds of every one of their women’s matches. AEW’s women deserve better, and hopefully the arrival of Mercedes Monet will afford them better. That or she’ll be on Rampage in two months.
(Remember when Edge was a big deal? I hope Mercedes Monet remembers.)
THE TONI AWARDS (SPELLED WITH AN “I,” SO THEY DON’T GET SUED) — MEGA-HIT
Finally! Mariah May got her flowers from Toni Storm, and by “flowers,” I mean shoe, and by “shoe,” I mean award, and by “award,” I mean an Oscar if it were presented by Oscar the Grouch.
Side Note: I wonder if Storm’s aggrandizement of May is indicative of a future face turn? I certainly hope so. Storm has a beautiful face, and it looks good turning.
NICK WAYNE vs. ADAM PRIEST — HIT
Nick “Hairless Persian Cat” Wayne (who is secretly a Sphynx cat because Persian cats have hair, and Adam Copeland was clearly thinking of Sphynx cats when he started that chant) has somehow mastered the facial expressions of every twink-adjacent frat boy who ever endeavored to uttered the phrase “poppin’” in 2009, and I hate him for it, and I want more of it.
Also, he’s good at wrestling.
ADAM COPELAND BRIEFLY JOINS CMLL — MISS
Of all the ways to disguise Adam Copeland, this was not it.
Also, he appears to have stolen Spike Dudley’s luggage.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. TITAN — MEGA-HIT
This was an outstanding match that was so good it would have remained enjoyable even if it had chosen to stand inside instead.
HOOK EXISTS IN PUBLIC — HIT
Hook, the sexiest thing Taz has ever been involved with, came out with a kendo stick to beat up The Gates of Agony, who were terrorizing Chris Jericho, and all I could think about was how much hotter Hook is than Sandman.
Side Note: Hook should do more existing in public.
FTR CUTS A PROMO — HIT
Cash Wheeler cut a Tubthumping promo about getting knocked down and getting back up again, and Dax Harwood cut a promo in which he implied that FTR might be one of the greatest tag teams of all time. (They are.) All of this was very entertaining and very passionately expressed.
THE INFANTRY PAY A VISIT FROM ROH — MISS
While it is nice to see Carlie Bravo and Shawn Dean on the main roster, their cheap reference to “The Revival” fell flat and caused me to miss part of their promo as I explained what they were talking about to my boyfriend, who has never seen an episode of NXT or Smackdown. (Storylines in one promotion should not require you to understand what happened in another promotion without an on-air explanation.)
ANGELICO vs. MISTICO — MINOR-MISS
This match happened for some reason.
For a split second, I thought I was watching Rampage. Don’t get me wrong, this was a very entertaining match, and both of these men are very talented individuals, but watching this felt like I was watching “a match for the sake of a match,” which is a nice way of saying “filler.”
It was dazzling filler! But filler is still filler.
HOUSE OF BLACK vs. JEFF JARRET & JAY LETHAL & MARK BRISCO — MINOR-HIT
On the one hand, this match was far better than I expected it to be; on the other hand, I was expecting it to be hot garbage.
There were several spots in this match that made me cringe and several spots that made me want to applaud. Seeing Mark Brisco fly elbow-first off the top turnbuckle into a pile of chairs (his elbow was bleeding afterward) made my teeth clinch, but on the other hand, I really enjoyed Brody King’s guitar spot and Briscoe’s burning table spot. In fact, I am thrilled to see that they have finally figured out how to do a burning table spot without either (a) missing the table or (b) murdering Cody.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This was a good episode of Collision, but it wasn’t mind-blowing, and I know that AEW is capable of producing mind-blowing episodes of Collision because I have been criticized for how often I give this show “A-level” grades. However, this episode was not an “A” worthy episode. I hope AEW’s decision to pre-tape Collision more often will not lead them to lower the quality of Collision’s content.
That said, this episode was definitely still worth watching, and I hope you will choose to do so.
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS
Match of the Night: Chris Jericho vs. Titan
Second Best Match: Bryan Danielson vs. Shane Taylor
Third Best Match: Mariah May vs. Trish Adora.
SHOW GRADE: C+
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, just because I have an opinion doesn’t mean it is right, but I can assure you it is not left because I am not that limber.
(David Bryant’s vacation pictures can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant doing the splits can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first colorblind stoplight for drivers who are only able to listen to Counting Crows. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
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