TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 5
OCTOBER 17, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with random footage of women getting ready to perform backstage at Smackdown. Paige mingles with some fans and vaguely discusses the personal photos and videos that were stolen and how that incident has impacted her ability to interact with fans. Lana and Rusev get the next minute. Lana still isn’t on TV and she cries about it. Three minutes into this show we’re at Nia Jax’s brand new house, where she has invited Nattie, Naomi, and Lana over to help her move into the house, oh, and like discuss their careers… Three minutes later, and ugh, it’s the Bellas. Paige is coming over for a visit and apparently they have to stop themselves from trying to do boring sh– that you know Paige has utterly no interest in. Back to Nia’s: They’re trying to assemble furniture. No one wants to spend their days off assembling furniture for other people. Commercial.
So, Paige has arrived at the Bellas. Nothing earth-shattering is discussed. Moving along, Nia wakes up to an empty house. Yes, all of her guests have up and left after one evening of manual labor. Turns out everyone went to a hotel since Nia didn’t have guest beds. Lana and Nattie have no chemistry, despite this the best line of the night may be Nattie saying, “Lana wants to build a spaceship, and Lana wants to be President of the United States.” Yes, Lana is talking about ideas for outfits and ring entrances, and it’s Lana, so there’s no breathing room between those thoughts. Back to the Bellas and Paige. According to Brie Bella, the plan is basically to get plastered. Little girls, please get better role models and, like, read a book.
Nattie, Lana, and Naomi are in a costume shop of some sort. Lana is trying on wigs. There’s an Eva Marie joke. Whether or not its funny really depends on your feeling on Lana. Nattie tells Lana she looks good in a pink wig. Then they go back to Nia’s. Nia wants them to paint. Lana and Nattie go into the bathroom and start dying Lana’s hair. Then we have to discuss whether or not Lana has the autonomy to decide her own hair color. Isn’t that a spooky thought.
Oh, sh–, back to the Bellas and Paige who are sitting at a table complimenting each other in general and on how well they take criticism. It is somewhat amusing that the word “criticism” is actually used, when it’s currently so en vogue to act like any sort of criticism (constructive or not) is “bullying.” But here’s the thing about criticism; if you’re a public figure, then it comes with the job. If you’re on a TV show being broadcast to millions of people in the USA, then you’re not living your private life in private – you’re a public figure. Being famous isn’t all about adoring fans fawning all over you.
Now, regarding what they’re actually talking about, since they dance around it and refer to it in vague terms, Paige’s iCloud account was hacked and someone released sexually graphic photos and videos of her to the public. Her privacy was breached and, right or wrong, (generally male) fans are making jackass comments to her. As it turns out, she’s not quite a bad-ass stoic bitch in private unlike whatever we’re supposed to believe her character is on TV, and she basically had a breakdown over the incident. Oh, and to hear the explanation, you then have to listen to the Bella Twins making pat comments about how they had no idea how dark or deeply personal that situation was… which if you’re me means you want to hit the FF button to any segment that doesn’t feature the Bellas.
Back from commercial, it’s more of Paige talking to the Bellas. About 35 minutes into this show, Naomi and Nia Jax explain to Nattie to true definition of “balls deep” when she uses the phrase incorrectly. That alone may be the entire portion of the show you should tune in to see. Anyway, Lana got some hair dye on the wall and Nia freaks out about it. So, we finally have the “gee, wow, you invited us all over to your new house to unpack and assemble your furniture, eh” and didn’t see that going over like a lead balloon moment. Nia cries. Nia also admits that if she’d told the girls that they were coming over to do manual labor that none of them probably would have shown up. Why, yes, duh. Commercial.
Naomi manages to make the situation all alright since she’s the pragmatic one. They all agree about going out and having fun instead of doing more house stuff. Then it’s another Paige/Bellas segment. They’re going to “a place where we could smash up cars,” Brie explains. So, they’re wearing welders gloves and safety glasses and smashing car windows with sledge hammers. Yeah, that’s not really my thing. Back to Nia and friends, Dasha Fuentes joins the group as they go to a resort. Everyone puts on a swimsuit and they sit by the pool. Nattie tells Lana that her hair is “dingy dusty pink.” And for whatever reason Lana gets upset. Maybe she’s never seen Total Divas and is unfamiliar with how much random lying Nattie does on the show?
Lana and Nattie stand in the bathroom and make up. Lana is complaining that there are too many blondes: Liv Morgan, Mandy Rose, Carmella… and everyone has to remind her that her hair color isn’t her only accomplishment. Lana is going to go back to blonde is the resolution to the situation. For whatever reason they air footage of Carmella being in the ring as Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville approach, which I guess is a way to get back to Paige? Okay. Are they trying to get Asuka on Total Divas? She couldn’t possibly be worse than the Bellas. Anyway, Lana and Mark Carrano have to talk about her… return to TV, which will finally happen. Somewhere backstage Lana and Rusev hug. The show closes with Lana coming out on stage with Rusev and Aiden English singing “Lana is the best, Lana number 1!” Which was for her dance off with Naomi.
Still to come on Total Divas: Lana and Paige don’t get along, Nia has a match with Ronda Rousey, Naomi gets an apartment, Nikki is apparently famous, and Nattie is at a funeral.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 10/10 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Paige goes on a date, Nattie has a BBQ, and Brie cannot breastfeed her kid forever – hooray!