SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
SEPTEMBER 30, 2023
SEATTLE, WASH.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Nigel McGuiness, Kevin Kelly
– Hey! Welcome to another AEW Collision Hits & Misses column, which is the only Hits & Misses column that is read by my mother. And when I say “read by my mother,” I mean I chase her around town while shouting whatever words I wrote down that week while she begs me to please stop because she does not care about professional wrestling, and we are at my niece’s dance recital.
COLD OPEN — HIT
Once again, these cold opens are a great way to begin the show, and all of the participants involved did a fantastic job. As for some highlights:
– Big Bill talked about Halloween, and for the record, it is still September.
– Ricky Starks made a phone call to ask Paul Heyman if it was okay to steal his catchphrase, and I assume he said yes.
– Bryan Danielson screamed at me.
JUICE ROBINSON vs. ANDRADE EL IDOLO — HIT
This was fantastic, and not just because Andrade El Idolo traded his pimp suit in for a Miz jacket. This match had everything I could have asked for from these two performers, and while it isn’t my favorite Andrade match, it might be my favorite Juice Robinson match, which is saying something but less than you think.
Side Note: I would love to own a company that manufactures announce tables. It feels like a great way to never go out of business.
OMEGA & JERICHO’S PROMO WITH SCHIAVONE — HIT
This promo was surprisingly good. Kenny Omega talked about birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the things he will not be doing with Chris Jericho. He then talked about the one thing he will be doing with Chris Jericho, and that is to take down the Don Callis family. This was one of the best promos I’ve heard Omega cut in ages, and what “stepping up” sounds like.
Side Note: At the beginning of this segment, Chris Jericho said AEW was built on the back of his rivalry with Kenny Omega, and while that has a nice ring to it, it is also like saying the Walt Disney Company was built on the back of Snow White, which was an event that happened, but also, no.
Second Side note: Chris Jericho looked younger than usual tonight, and I’m not saying that facetiously.
TONI STORM & R.J. CITY’S PRE-RECORDED SEGMENT — MEGA-HIT
So much went right with this segment that I barely know where to begin; however, I’ll try to sum up some of my favorite parts because that is my job, and I don’t want to Kevin-Kelly this.
Toni Storm assumed R.J. City was hitting on her because his flames are only slightly brighter than the surface of the sun, and at one point, she had an impromptu wrestling match with her hair. Storm wore jewelry borrowed from the closet of a previous generation’s mistakes and a robe borrowed from Chad Michaels’s closet, which is as empty as R.J.’s. Also, the dialogue from this segment included lines of unfettered brilliance such as “All I do is peak! I peak; I peak, and I peak again!” Aaron Sorkin, eat your heart out.
BERETTA & TAYLOR vs. BENNETT & TAVEN — MINOR-HIT
Okay, so watching this wasn’t physically painful, but it gave me phantom wiener pain, and I don’t want phantom wiener pain.
BENNETT & TAVEN’S POST-MATCH PROMO — MINOR-HIT
As ridiculous as this was, it was also kind of funny. Hearing these two dipsh—s say, “If we ever meant anything to you…” makes me want to punch them in the wiener.
PRINCE NANA & DON CALLIS’S SEGMENT — MINOR-MISS
Don Callis comes off as a serious character, and Prince Nana comes off as an email you sent to your junk box. Their interactions during this segment felt jarring and incongruent. If AEW wants to present Prince Nana in the same light as Don Callis, that is a possible thing to do, but they need to do more to firmly establish him within AEW’s universe.
STATLANDER & HART’S VIDEO PACKAGE — HIT
This was the best trailer for Lionsgate’s “Blair Witch Project” reboot that I’ve seen to date.
STATLANDER & HART’S VIDEO PACKAGE: HART’S PORTION — HIT
This video package made Julia Hart look like a star, and this was the first time I’ve thought, “Hart is really good at this.” I mean, sure, I’ve always thought Hart had the potential to be a really good performer, but this is the first time I’ve felt like she was fully realizing that potential. Now, all Hart needs to do is make sure that potential translates into an awesome match at WrestleDream.
STATLANDER & HART’S VIDEO PACKAGE: STATLANDER’S PORTION — HIT
Statlander’s sit-down promos are a lot better than her stand-up promos, and I am a fan of standup. That is not to say that this sit-down promo knocked it out of the ballpark, but it definitely cleared the six-foot chainlink fence at my niece’s tee-ball park, and that is more than I expected, so I’ll take it.
HART VS. VERTVIXEN — MINOR-HIT
This match oscillated between fantastic and concerning, but all things considered, I’d rather focus on the fantastic parts, so I’m labeling this a minor-hit.
Also, Vertvixen needs to send Hart a thank you note for being alive. Right at the end of the match, Vertvixen positioned herself so close to the turnbuckles that I thought there was no way Hart could shorten her moonstault enough to land on her Vertvixen safely, but somehow, someway, with the determination of a squirrel trying to reach a birdfeeder, Hart managed to land perfectly and save Vertvixen’s life. I guess just that’s one of the benefits of being a two-time national cheerleading champion. (Well, that and getting to hang with a lot of hot, flexible twinks.)
JULIA HART’S POST-MATCH PROMO — HIT
With the voice of a wiener-punched jack o’ lantern, Julia Hart said, “Oh, Kriiis… I don’t think I can wait for tomorrow. I think you should come out here right now.”
Hart’s execution of this line displayed a good understanding of dramatic pauses, and her growl at the end of the promo showed a level of confidence she lacked during her “Varsity Blonds” era.
STATLANDER’S POST-MATCH PROMO — MINOR-HIT
With the voice of a prepubescent alien hopped up on helium, Kris Statlander said, “You can go ahead and run away tonight, but tomorrow, you’re going to be forced to be in the ring with not only the TBS Champion, but the defeater of the undefeated.”
At this point, the crowd applauded.
“The clock is ticking,” Statlander continued, “and tomorrow night on WrestleDream,* your time is up!”
* Right here — right where that asterisk is — was where Kris Statlander faltered and caused her promo to feel less emphatic than it should have sounded. During the first part of her short in-ring promo, Statlander sounded confident, and I was on the verge of declaring this promo a full-fledged “hit.” However, Statlander placed an awkward pause between “WrestleDream” and “your time is up.” During this momentary pause, Statlander seemed unsure of how she should be pointing at Hart with her TBS Title in her hand.
In that split-second, Statlander had the title held ambiguously, started to point, hesitated, and then carried through with pointing at Hart before lowering the title. This may seem like an insignificant thing, and it is, but it is also an example of how insignificant-seeming things can take away from significant-seeming things.
Statlander was saying the right words, and for the most part, she was using the right inflection, but this momentary hesitation, while hard to detect without playing back the tape, detracted from the confidence of her promo and tinged its last few words with an air of uncertainty.
Most people would be able to detect that air of uncertainty, but they might not be able to detect why they believed Statlander gave off such an impression. This moment — and a couple of other “insignificant-seeming things” — are the reasons why, and they are the things Statlander should be working on the most.
That said, I still consider this promo to be a minor-hit for Statlander.
I’ve heard multiple people say this segment wasn’t a good segment for Statlander, but I’m going to be a contrarian and say that I think it was. While I agree that Statlander’s promos are not where I would like them to be, I am forced to remember that finding one’s voice is a journey that is meant to be completed in steps and not with a teleportation machine.
I hope AEW does not take the title off Kris Statlander tomorrow night. Not because I don’t like Julia Hart (I like her a lot), but because I think this title reign is motivating Kris Statlander to improve herself each week, and I don’t want that potentially motivating factor to be taken away from her. I also believe that Hart’s gimmick is so robust that she does not need a title belt to get over. I’m not sure that I can say the same for Statlander.
If I were booking AEW (and I know I’m not, and probably for good reason), I would give Statlander at least until the New Year to hone her stage presence because I can see she is trying hard and because taking the title off of her now would be throwing away the capital that has already been spent on her by allowing Statlander to end Jade Cargill’s undefeated streak.
In short (too late), although I acknowledge Statlander’s lackluster promo skills and have criticized them heavily, I still believe in her potential.
Side Note: There are very valid counter-arguments to my opinions about Kris Statlander, and while I’m not the best at making those arguments, Greg Parks did a wonderful job articulating them during his latest edition of Wrestling Night in America. You can listen to that particular episode of his weekly podcast here: His discussion of Statlander and Julia Hart begins just after the 39-minute mark, and I implore anyone who is reading this to go and listen to what he has to say. His opinions on this matter are worth hearing. (Warning: The aforementioned podcast contains a discussion about the results of WrestleDream.)
CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI & JOSH BARNETT’S HYPE VIDEO — MINOR-HIT
A hype video for a WrestleDream match that I did not know existed aired next. After the video aired, it was called a “dream match” by Kevin Kelly, and I am frankly surprised by how many straight men dream about wrestlers.
JERICHO & OMEGA VS. BISHOP KAUN & TAO LIONA — MINOR-HIT
Jericho and Omega’s interactions were the highlight of this match and not the in-ring action itself. Don’t get me wrong, this match wasn’t bad, but it had sloppy moments, and I spent a lot of the match hoping that Jericho and Omega would not injure themselves before WrestleDream.
KENNY & JERICHO’S POST-MATCH PROMO — HIT
This was an in-ring reenactment of a backstage promo we heard 20 minutes ago, but since I liked that backstage promo, I liked this one, too.
THE RIGHTEOUS RE-RUN A PROMO VIDEO — MISS
Speaking of re-runs and reenactments…
AEW’s favorite arts and crafts cult cut the same promo they cut for the last three weeks in a row, and I’m still not sure if they work for AEW or Ring of Honor.
CHRISTIAN CAGE & DARBY ALLIN VIDEO PACKAGE — MEGA-HIT
I liked most of this when I first saw it on “Countdown to WrestleDream,” and I also liked it here. Christian is the best villain in AEW, and I cannot get enough of his character. I am fully convinced Christian Cage plays with matches in dry forests, rescues kittens in reverse, and ties damsels to railroad tracks so he can brag about saving them but forgets to.
THE RIGHTEOUS VS. JUDAS ICARUS & TRAVIS WILLIAMS — MINOR-HIT
With WrestleDream coming up in less than 24 hours, this match should have taken place against a known tag team for a better rub beforehand, and by a known tag team, I mean someone other than The Righteous.
THE RIGHTEOUS CUT A POST-MATCH PROMO — HIT
This promo was good, and we should have had more of these over the past few months. Because of this, my main takeaway from this post-match segment was a feeling of sadness because The Righteous are clearly talented, but their talent is being squandered by how quickly they’ve been rushed into a match against MJF, who, and I cannot stress this part enough, is the current AEW World Heavyweight Champion.
EDDIE KINGSTON & SHIBATA VIDEO PACKAGE — HIT
Eddie Kingston is not “still a bum,” and I hope the person who made that sign brushes their teeth with a power drill that is also on fire.
TMDK EXIST — IN THE MIDDLE
Schiavone interviewed a team most of us barely know, and as is customary when first arriving in AEW, they were given a title shot.
ZACK SABRE JR. APPEARS ON U.S. TV — HIT
Finally.
FTR & DANIELSON & YUTA VS. AUSSIE OPEN — MEGA-HIT
Good night, this match was amazing. I loved every second of it, and in honor of this bout’s fabulousness, I am going to refrain from making jokes about it.
Side Note: While on guest commentary, Zack Sabre Jr. stated that there are 206 bones in the human body, and he is correct… usually. However, did you know that there are approximately 270 bones in the body of a human baby and that some adults have up to 213 bones? I feel like this is vital information for a Hits & Misses column to contain.
Second Side Note: Did you know that bones, like skin, are constantly regenerating, and in the course of a single year, approximately 10 percent of your entire skeleton will be rebuilt?
Third Side Note: Did you know that the bones of a professional wrestling referee are made out of eggshells and Depression glass?
DANIELSON AND SABRE STARDOWN — HIT
In a stroke of originality, the show ended with Bryan Danielson and Zack Sabre Jr. staring each other down.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This wasn’t an A+ show, and given that AEW had an all-undercard PPV to sell the next night, they needed an A+ show. However, that doesn’t make this show bad. In my opinion, this was one of the better editions of AEW Collision to date, and I greatly enjoyed watching it.
SHOW GRADE: A-
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, if you can’t decide between “taco night” and “pizza night,” you can have both. It is called “taco-pizza night,” and it is delicious.
(David Bryant’s new bathroom-selfies can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant being knocked unconscious by an exploding TELEVISION set can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Threads account is threadbare and also located @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first pizza cutter to bleed out. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
RECOMMENDED NEXT: AEW COLLISION RESULTS (9/30): Keller’s report on Andrade vs. Juice, Starks & Big Bill & Aussie Open vs. FTR & Yuta & Danielson, Best Friends vs. Taven & Bennett
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: AEW WrestleDream Hit List: Adam Copeland debuts, Darby Allin vs. Christian Cage in a best of three falls match for the TNT Title, Bryan Danielson vs. Zack Sabre Jr., Swerve Strickland vs. Hangman Page
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.