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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
DECEMBER 9, 2023
TAPED 12/5 IN MONTREAL, QUÉBEC
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Nigel McGuiness, Kevin Kelly
– Hey! Welcome back to another edition of my AEW Collision Hits & Misses column! I enjoyed watching tonight’s matches, and I hope you enjoy reading this column about Julie Andrews, theoretical physics, Diet Coke, face thongs, glass tampons, ice cream bullets, and other things that have nothing to do with tonight’s episode of Collision!
COLD OPEN — HIT
– Wearing a contact lens so big it needs strings, Bryan Danielson threatened to wrestle with a broken face again, and I am preparing for tachycardia.
– Holding the decapitated head of Wolfpack Sting, Andrade De Idol stood next to Roxie Hart’s hotter understudy, who declared Idolo was her king.
– Ethan Page has gotten into the best shape of his life for his return loss to Kenny Omega, and Kenny Omega said he will see Ethan Page at Collision. (Are we not at Collision? Am I lost?)
– Claudio Castagnoli did a reverse Julie Andrews and listed his least favorite things, and Eddie Kingston is one of them.
– Eddie Kingston cut a promo so intense he had to bleep himself because TNT’s censors are as reliable as my ability to check my car’s gas gauge.
Side Note: Kingston does an outstanding job every time he is on screen. I don’t understand how anyone can root against him. If you are rooting against him, that is your right, and I respect it, but you’re going to hell.
Second Side Note: Kenny Omega is weird. I’m not saying that to besmirch him. I actually like that about him, but trust me, it takes one to know one, and this one is peculiar.
TONI STORM APPEARS IN THE OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE — MEGA-HIT
During the opening video package, Toni Storm rolled around in the ring with her very deserved AEW Women’s World Championship belt, and the footage was presented in black and white as it should be. For me, personally, this was the highlight of the show because Toni Storm did not otherwise appear on the show.
CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI vs. EDDIE KINGSTON — HIT
What a fight! I went from being certain Eddie Kingston would lose to being certain he would win! The crowd was behind Kingston from the get-go, and maybe, if we are lucky, Kingston can beat the odds and win back the two belts he gave away for a handshake and a basket of air.
MOXLEY CUTS A MUCH BETTER PROMO THAN LAST TIME — HIT
After last week’s unsettling cry for help, Jon Moxley returned to true form tonight with a fiery promo full of effortless lens-spit.
WHEELER YUTA CHALLENGES HOOK TO AN “FTW RULES” MATCH — HIT
When I said I wanted Hook to cut more promos, I had no idea he had the Rock Eaters from “The Neverending Story” living in his throat. Poor guy.
Side Note: When you look like Hook, and you’re the self-proclaimed “F— The World” champion, there should be a disclaimer explaining the rules to FTW matches and that they’re not porn.
WILLOW NIGHTINGALE vs. MERCEDES MARTINEZ — HIT
Mercedes Martinez currently has a losing record this year, which makes me sad but not as sad as I’d be if Nightingale had lost this match instead of Martinez. Still, regardless of the outcome, my hat goes off to both of these athletes for putting on a women’s match worthy of WWE (which is the current standard bearer for women’s wrestling in the U.S., but that doesn’t mean AEW shouldn’t at least try to take that mantle from them.)
Speaking of which, if Tony Khan is confused about how to book women’s wrestling in AEW, all he has to do is look at how Athena is being booked in Ring of Honor and ask himself how he does it. After all, Khan should know how he does it, and he should be proud of what he’s achieved with Athena; she has become a primary reason to subscribe to Honor Club. At the same time, Khan should also want to achieve that notable level of success with every female on his roster.
There are a lot of women with a lot of potential on AEW’s roster, but potential is a tool like any other tool, and like any other tool, it is only useful when you use it. AEW has many women who could be every bit as useful as their male counterparts if AEW decided to use them correctly.
By the way, and to be clear, I chose to write the words “use them correctly” with intent because that is a fundamental part of getting the most out of any tool in your arsenal. If you tried to hammer a nail into a wall with an upside-down hammer, you might eventually get the nail into the wall, but the journey to do so would leave behind a trail of warped metal and dented sheet rock. For a tool to be a good tool, you have to utilize it in a good way.
AEW has many good female wrestlers, and they can and should be utilized in better ways.
The idea that the AEW Women’s Division is too weak to stand up to the WWE Women’s Division is a myth bordering on a lie. Yes, WWE has insanely talented women, but so does AEW. Athletes like Athena, Mercedes Martinez, Willow Nightingale, Toni Storm, Britt Baker, Ruby Soho, Hikaru Shida, Nyla Rose, Emi Sakura, Taya Valkyrie, Saraya, Madison Rayne, Abadon, Serena Deeb, Jamie Hayter, and Riho could all seamlessly transition into a WWE ring and few viewers would so much as bat an eye. In fact, many of those names have already wrestled in a WWE ring. On top of that, extraordinarily (and I’m using that exclamatory adverb on purpose) entertaining wrestlers like Kris Statlander and Julia Hart are on the precipice of greatness and are waiting to jump.
If you’ve only read my columns casually (Who could blame you?), you’d probably think I don’t like Statlander all that much, but if you did, you’d be wrong. I know that I give Kris Statlander a lot of grief for her promos, but I only give her grief for her promos because, if she were to get her promo skills in order, I truly believe she could be a small “s” superstar, and in the eyes of many fans, Julia Hart is already a small “s” superstar because she has been able to do just that – she got her promos in order. (I cannot believe how quickly Julia Hart went from “God awful” to “oh my God,” and, best of all, she just turned 22 at the end of last month and is nowhere near finished learning and growing.)
I’ll leave you with this thought:
I recently read a story about a boy who was in Special Education classes and whose teachers did not believe he would ever learn to read. He was treated differently, taken out of school, and given an IQ test that showed his IQ was 170. When it was discovered how intelligent he could potentially be, things around him quickly changed. He was given all of the resources he could ever want, and with those resources, he entered college at the age of 10 and received his master’s degree in Theoretical Physics at the age of 15.
This boy’s name is Jacob Barnett, and he is a living, breathing before and after photo of the word “trajectory.” Between the time Jacob’s teacher met with his mother to inform her that her son would never learn to read and the time Jacob graduated college with a master’s degree in something I did not even know existed, his IQ didn’t suddenly change, nor did his potential. What changed were his expectations.
I’m not saying AEW has someone on their roster with an IQ of 170 (except for Don Callis, apparently; who knew?), and I certainly don’t expect Kris Statlander to master the mechanics of Quantum Leap or whatever kind of Voodoo Theoretical Physics involves. What I’m saying is that, sometimes, the difference between how much we can do and how much we do is how much other people believe.
Anyway, speaking of tools…
THE HAT GUY CUTS A PROMO — MISS
Daddy Magic has a habit of cutting marvelous promos, and his face-Tourette’s indicated we were about to watch him add another notch to the top of whatever shelf his promos sit on, but before he could do that, Hager the Hat Guy interrupted him to talk about hats because we were only the middle of something that mattered.
DADDY MAGIC (FINALLY) CUTS A PROMO — HIT
Despite being interrupted, Daddy Magic managed to work his magic and laid down a very watchable promo, but despite having watched it with both of my eyeballs being every bit as hyperactively engaged as I imagine Daddy Magic’s eyeballs are when he’s sleeping, I couldn’t enjoy it to its fullest enjoyability because I spent half of Daddy’s promo remembering that Hager the Hat Guy is a former WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
Side Note: Backstage interviewers should be required to wear earplugs when working with Matt Menard because there is no way that hearing loss is not an occupational hazard.
SWERVE STRICKLAND CUTS A FANTASTIC-SOUNDING PROMO — MINOR-HIT
This promo sounded fantastic, but if you were just reading the captions, some of the lines in this promo made about as much sense as glass tampons, which, if they existed, would really just be long, tiny non-absorbent butt plugs, which would make about as much sense as ice cream bullets, which, if they existed, would make about as much sense as lines like, “You called yourself the ace? Well, I’m hungry and feasting,” which was an actual line from this promo.
WARDLOW POWERBOMBS WILLIE MACK LIKE HE’S TRYING TO BLUDGEON THE RING TO DEATH — MEGA-HIT
This was a great use of both Willie Mack and Wardlow. While I’m not sure why Willie Mack being A.R. Fox’s friend means he has to pick pieces of canvas out of his back, I know I came away from this segment impressed with (and moderately terrified of) Wardlow.
KENNY OMEGA FULFILLS MY PROPHECY — HIT
As indicated earlier in this column, I’m not surprised that Kenny Omega won this bout, but I am surprised by how good it was. Hopefully, this defeat doesn’t mean Ethan Page has to go back to wandering in the desert for 40 years.
TONY NESE WATCHES ETHAN PAGE’S MATCH — MINOR-HIT
Tony Nese spent so much time in the desert that he forgot how to watch TV right.
BILL OF THE BIG FAMILY ATTACKS KENNY OF THE OMEGAS — MINOR-HIT
Thank goodness Kenny Omega celebrated with his back turned to the entrance for an extended period of time. Otherwise, Big Bill would have had to pump-kick air, and that would have been awkward.
C.J. PERRY AND MIRO CONTINUE THEIR SLOW-MOVING DIVORCE — HIT
This segment started with C.J. Perry cutting a promo while wearing her only jacket, and it ended with Miro cutting a promo while wearing Marc Mero’s limelight.
JULIA HART KEEPS GETTING BETTER — MEGA-HIT
Julia Hart delivered her best video package yet. If you didn’t see it, you can and should watch it HERE.
THE ARTISTS FORMERLY KNOWN AS JAS vs. PENTA AND NOT-REY-FENIX — MINOR-HIT
By itself, this match was stellar, and I enjoyed watching it the second time just as much as I enjoyed watching it the first time. However, having the “hometown heroes” lose felt like what happens when you get all excited to finally drink a NON-Diet Coke because it is a special occasion, but then, when you least expect it, you accidentally take a swig of your friend’s Diet Coke because you grabbed the wrong can. That’s what this felt like… it felt like a mix of tastebud-confusion and mild disappointment.
This outcome was NOT the fault of the wrestlers involved in this match. These men put on a wonderful performance for ten straight minutes; they should be proud of the work they did. However, the reason that wonderful performance did not resonate with me the way it should have resonated with me is because JA2Point0 are supposed to be villains, right?
I would recommend that if AEW does this kind of match in the future, they should either do it as a heel vs. heel match, where the “hometown heroes” can win without going over a face team, or they should put the match on at the start of the show so that you’re not going into the main event thinking about Diet Coke.
BRYAN DANIELSON vs. ANDRADE EL IDOLO— MEGA-HIT
Bryan Danielson’s face thong is the most conspicuous thong I have ever seen in my life since Lita’s, and unlike Eddie Kingston, Andrade saw it, too. As a result, the moral of this match is twofold:
Danielson can put on a classic match with only half his face, and I am lucky to be alive to watch it happen.
Wrestling with a skull made out of paper mâché is bad for you, and Danielson is lucky to be alive after it happened.
FINAL THOUGHTS…
Tonight’s show emanated pre-taped from the land of the famous Montreal Screwjob (which I was sad to discover did not involve Orange Cassidy getting fellated by a drunk person), and I feel like this show recognized the pressure it was under to deliver quality matches in the shadow of one of North America’s most beloved wrestling cities.
On the flip side (which is also the name of a trapeze trick I broke my wrist performing when I was 19), this show was light on storylines, and as a writer, I prefer storylines that are Otis-sized. So, for the high-quality matches, I am going to give this show an A, but for the barely-there stories, I am going to give this show a C. When averaging those two grades in my mathematically challenged brain, I think the result is a B, but who really knows? Numbers are rumors.
DAVID’S DODGY MATCH RECOMMENDATIONS:
If you only get a chance to watch one match from tonight’s show, watch Danielson vs. Idolo; if you get a chance to watch two matches from tonight’s show, check out Kingston vs. Castagnoli; and if you have the time to watch three matches, add in Nightingale vs. Martinez.
SHOW GRADE: B
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, Rock ‘n’ Roll is the Devil’s music, which means the Hard Rock Café is the Devil’s restaurant, and that is why their burgers cost 25 dollars.
(David Bryant’s vanity can be found on his “Artist Formerly Known as Twitter” account @IamDavidBryant; David Bryant’s hobbies can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s nothingness can be found on his Threads account @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant sucks at usernames. David is a published author, circus artist, drag promoter, male pageant winner, unrenowned musician, sloppy figure skater, and the inventor of the world’s first glass tampons, which are also long, tiny non-absorbent butt plugs. Less impressively, he studied screenwriting at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts.)
RECOMMENDED NEXT: AEW DYNAMITE HITS & MISSES (12/6): Continental Classic, Toni Storm’s wind-up punch, Devil questions, Copeland vs. Christian, All In plugs, more
OR CHECK THIS OUT AT PROWRESTLING.NET: 12/9 Impact Wrestling Final Resolution results: Vetter’s review of Motor City Machine Guns vs. Zack Sabre Jr. and Josh Alexander, Trinity and Jordynne Grace vs. Deonna Purrazzo and Gisele Shaw, Moose vs. Rhino
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