Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It’s time for our TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from “Big” John Gaburick, Dave “I Want Wrestling” Lagana, Billy “Doomsday Clock” Corgan, or anybody else in the TNA/Carter/Aroluxe family. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive fragrant Capri Shampoos. Give everyone clean and beautiful hair. Capri shampoos and conditioners: the answer to all your shampoo needs. And remember, if you come within $100 of the actual retail price of your showcase, you win both showcases. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Although, at this point, I’d rather have the book in Paragon Pro Wrestling.
Given everything that happened this morning in Orlando, I don’t feel much like cracking jokes. Hopefully, that will change. Happy fourteenth anniversary to TNA Wrestling.
Let’s go on to this week’s Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on June 15, 1996, World Championship Wrestling presented a new episode of WCW Pro Wrestling on TBS. That show was taped in Orlando, Florida. Your main event? Eddie Guerrero takes on Jushin Liger. That’s good stuff. Chris Cruise, Larry Zbyzsko & Dusty Rhodes have the call.
Here’s a big match from TNA’s last pay-per-view, “One Night Only: Victory Road 2016.” We take you to Orlando, where it’s Velvet Sky locking up with Marti Bell. Jeremy Borash and Josh Mathews are on commentary.
What was happening in TNA ten years ago? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s revisit those thrilling days of yesteryear as we go back to the TNA/UWF live events. On June 9, 2006, it was TNA/UWF’s “Hardcore War” in South Philadelphia. Your main event saw America’s Most Wanted, Team 3-D and the “James Gang” in a three-way street fight. Jeff Harris & Greg Stutz have the call. Also, there is a LOT of foul language during these promos. We are in the former ECW Arena, after all.
I don’t know if there is a pre-show. If there is one, I vote for Braxton Sutter squashing a local wrestler.
Your announcers should be Josh Mathews & D’Angelo Dinero. On with the show!
Mahabali Shera & Grado vs. The Tribunal (w/ Al Snow): Al Snow’s formerly developmental duo gets showcased in Orlando, with a match against the mismatched Shera & Grado. Not crazy about the names. “Dax & Baraka” sounds like a buddy cop movie starring Russell Crowe & Mark Paul Gosselaar. Projection? Snow trips Shera, the Tribunal hits a double superkick and Dax pins Grado.
Trevor Lee vs. Eddie Edwards vs. Andrew Everett vs. D.J. Zema Ion (TNA X Division Title) If you’re Eddie Edwards, you have to be counting the hours until Davey Richards is cleared to return. And I like the Helms Dynasty, obviously. Projection? Lee pins Zema with the Orange Crush, and this feud must continue. I don’t Lee will be exercising Option C in 2016, but I’ve been wrong before.
Eli Drake vs. Bram (TNA King of the Mountain Title): TNA celebrates the first anniversary of the KOTM championship with a huge rematch from six weeks ago. I’m a little disappointed that Drake’s entrance music isn’t “Eli’s Coming” by Three Dog Night. Or, for that matter, something by Drake. Projection? Drake wins with the Bottom Rung. It’s not Bram’s night.
The Decay vs. The Bro-Mans (TNA World Tag Team Titles): I will admit that this feud is more entertaining than I thought it would be. One of the advantages in the new TNA is that Abyss isn’t being underutilized. Projection? Rosemary sprays Jessie Godderz with the mist, and Abyss pins Godderz with the Black Hole Slam.
Jade vs. Sienna (TNA Knockouts Title): It is great to see these two lady wrestlers here, in the sort of big time match you can’t find outside of a Dave Prazak promotion. Projection? Sweet Jade wins with the package piledriver. Hooray for Fairfax County.
Gail Kim vs. Maria Kanellis: Maria has an injured hand. I’m pretty sure this is part of a story, and I have no idea where this is heading. But I know what I’d want to do. Projection? After numerous protests, Maria is forced to wrestle anyway. Kim wins with Eat Defeat, and is immediately attacked by Maria’s latest acquisition. If iI were booking, it’d be Madison Eagles in that role. Your mileage may vary.
Ethan Carter III vs. Mike Bennett: Looking forward to late 2016, when Carter is forced to change his name to Ethan Aeroluxe. Projection? Carter wins with the One Percenter. Bennett gets ready for a long feud with James Storm.
Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy (Full Metal Mayhem Match): The most ridiculous wrestling promo of 2016 leads to what should be a big car crash of a match. Projection? Brother Nero beats Lionmane with a senton onto a ladder onto Matt Hardy, or something equally dangerous. We’re hoping for no injuries.
Drew Galloway vs. Bobby Lashley (TNA World Heavyweight Title): Galloway is the future of TNA (for the moment). The promotion obviously can’t book Drew to beat Brock Lesnar, so this is the next best thing. Projection? It’s Knockout or Tapout, so Galloway knocks out Big Bob with the Claymore Kick, and Lashley is unable to answer the bell.
Aftermath: I’m guessing the next pay-per-view is “One Night Only: X-Travaganza 2016,” an X Division show which should be taped later this week. After that, we’ll see.
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. You can e-mail him at email@example.com. He’d take the San Francisco Giants over the Los Angeles Dodgers on Sunday Night Baseball. You know, if gambling were legal.