Pat McNeill is standing by at stately McNeill Manor to bring you the live blog of WWE Battleground. Let’s watch.
So I turn on the show, and we’re in the middle of Carmella’s onset interview. The chanting fans behind the Kickoff Crew is ruining the interview. Naturally, Carmella addresses the crowd and eggs them on.
Clip of AJ Styles throwing out the first pitch earlier today. When footage of the Phils hits the big screen, some of the Philly fans start chanting “Delete”. It’s been a long season.
Kayla Braxton is standing by with the Kanellises…es. Twitter user Sean Radic…I mean “anonymous” asks Mike & Maria “How can I find love?”
Sam Roberts makes the same Huey Lewis joke I would have made under the circumstances.
Time for our Kickoff Show. Aiden English has the mic. His singing is ten times better than mine, and 30x better than that Castrating The Marks guy.
His opponent gives English’s song a ten.
We have a new gimmick announced on the Kickoff Show: Byron “The Insider” Saxton.
The announcers talk up the Punjabi Prison match, but not once do they mention the chance of outside interference from the Poonjobbers.
Aiden English might actually win a match here. Near fall, and we get a Christian style temper tantrum. But English pulls out the win. Oh, dear. Poor Dillinger.
WWE Network asks “What can we do to get you to subscribe? Do you need somebody killed? Drop us a line.”
Time for WWE Battleground, where American babyfaces fight foreign menace heels. I mean, “international menace heels”.
Your opening match is The Usos defending against The New Day. Tonight the Usos are dressed…kinda like The Bullet Club. Strong move.
I hear this battle rap thing is catching on. Mayweather and McGregor are going to try it next. Just you watch.
The New Day’s wardrobe for tonight has been supplied by Apollo Creed International, in association with Toby Keith’s “I Love These Tights” line.
Usos have knocked out Kingston & Woods, but they did it outside the ring. Not good.
Remember, you can discuss this match with us on social media by using the hashtag #7YearsOfOneDirection.
Dr. Woods, what WERE you thinking there?
The hostile Philly crowd gets behind New Day. After a couple more kickouts, we go to “This is awesome”.
Trouble in Paradise. Ropewalk top rope elbow. The New Day beat The Usos. That was great.
How do we follow that? With a WWE Network ad, of course. I should know this by now.
Shinsuke Nakamura is in the second match. Against Baron Corbin. The bloom is off the rose.
Baron Corbin is Mister Money In The Bank. He should get together with Ms. Money In The Bank. They could raise little briefcases together.
JBL calls this a dream match. (Presumably someone else’s dream match. Not his.) Bradshaw goes on to compare Corbin to Tensai. He’s about to get a nasty phone call from the 407 area code.
If Corbin really wanted to get heat in Philly, he should have brought a large photo of Andy Reid to ringside with him.
Nakamura kicks out of the Deep Six. Corbin gets disqualified after a strong style kick to the testicles. This feud must continue!
“Corbin did what he does best”. Yeah, I haven’t seen anyone that good at getting disqualified since Wayne Ferris.
Women’s five way is next. I’m cool with WWE booking. I would just rather not see Naomi wrestle Lana again at SummerSlam. Is that too much to ask?
Lana’s ring entrance. She’s dressed for…damned if I know. Dancing With The Stars, perhaps?
Naomi is on commentary, trying to come up with a tactful way to say Lana sucks as a wrestler.
JBL points out that every woman in the match has turned on Becky Lynch at some point (except Naomi).
Tamina saves Lana. Twice. That’s okay. Becky makes Tamina tap to the Disarmer. And Lana again.
Nattie eliminates Becky Lynch. It’s either Charlotte or Natalya. Fight forever, ladies! …Okay, that was NOT forever. Natalya wins.
Earlier tonight, AJ Styles said Kevin Owens wasn’t man enough to be WWE United States Champion (which KO has already held twice).
Styles vs. Owens for the US Title. Yay!
SHILL: “Wrestling Night In America” is on after #WWEBattleground on PWTorchLivecast.com. Call me & @gregmparks at (515) 605-9345.
This is the usual fun back and forth from the former world champs. I like the lady who yelled “You suck, Kevin Owens!” That way, KO knows it’s directed at him, not the Kevin in Section 117.
AJ lands on his shoulder on the apron, and that’s going to be an important plot point. Owens tosses Styles into the ref, and we’re not sure he did it on purpose.
KO holds Styles down for a three count. We have a new United States champion. Guess AJ shouldn’t have questioned Kev’s manhood, huh?
Jinder Mahal talks with his crew backstage. Inexplicably, they don’t talk in Hindi or use subtitles.
John Cena vs. Rusev in a flag match. The winner is the first man to take his flag up the ramp and put it on the pedestal. Um…what?
Cena’s closer to the pedestal than Rusev. If he can get his flag down while Rusev’s climbing, Rusev can’t catch him. Just saying…
Wrestling 101, kids: If you’re booking a match where the stipulation involves a “finish line”, you might be doing it wrong.
JBL asserts if Rusev loses, he can’t go back to Bulgaria. Why? Is Trump in charge over there too?
If Cena was serious about winning, he would have thrown the Bulgarian flag into the crowd.
Rusev tries to walk past Cena, and Big Match John grabs the leg like he’s Dixie Carter trying to keep Hulk from leaving.
We’re setting up tables to put Cena through, because that makes sense.
I can’t believe John Cena was crawling up the ramp with the American flag and no one made an Iwo Jima reference. That’s what happens when you replace Jim Ross.
John Cena won, of course.
The Ascension tells Breezango they did it. They lied. And now Breeze & Fandango knocked out again. To be continued.
Zayn vs. Kanellis in the Slot Of Death is next. It wasn’t bad. Sayn goes over clean. Maybe Kanellis & English can form a tag team together.
Time for your main event. It’s Randy Orton against Jinder Mahal in the Punjabi Prison.
Punjabi Prison Drinking Game: Drink whenever someone mentions “steel-reinforced bamboo”. Make out your will first.
While I experience technical difficulties and family and all that, the Poonjobbers have made their way inside the Prison. It’s three-on-one. That’s not much of a prison if they just let anyone in like that.
“Everything in that Prison hurts”. I believe you, JBL. Just watching this makes my eyes bleed. Still, this is the best of the three Punjabi Prison bouts in WWE history.
Oh, look, Randy found a kendo stick, I mean, some steel-reinforced bamboo. I wonder what he’ll do with it?
The Singhs, who are cruiserweights, are small enough to get through the bars of the Prison. This is funny. Think of the potential for “205 Live”.
Here we go. Randy is climbing the bamboo. The other Bollywoodsman can’t stop him. But you know who can? THE GREAT KHALI!
(I had Dolph Ziggler interfering. I was close! Right?)
Khali chokes Orton and Jinder escapes. Jinder Mahal is taking his talents to Brooklyn, next month at SummerSlam.
That’s it from Philly. Join the boys for the VIP Roundtable, on join me and Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com…now.