SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS, SEASON TWO – EPISODE 4
SEPT. 27, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with a montage of moments from the current episode. Evidently, this one is all about power of attorney and who gets the kids if Brie & Bryan die. We start off with Nikki, John, and J.J. and alcohol. Segue to Smackdown. Nikki and Bryan are screwing around backstage. I hope I wasn’t supposed to interpret that as something that it wasn’t. Oh sh–, they show part of the “Total Bullsh–” clip! They should have showed more. Nikki says something about “haters.” Those are apparently people who say anything that isn’t a compliment. Anyway, evidently Nikki didn’t think those skits were funny. OMG, they were so damned funny.
Next up, Lauren & JJ meet the Mom and Johnny Ace at a restaurant. Mom & Johnny Ace are talking about talking about sex. Their adult son isn’t mature enough to handle the fact that his mother has sex. They don’t call him “Big Johnny” for nothing. On to Brie & Bryan’s. Brie’s made an appointment with a lawyer. They’re trying to figure out who to will the kid to if they die. Bryan doesn’t know if JJ & Lauren are the best option… you know, most people will their children to their parents and it keeps their respective siblings from bickering and having their feelings hurt. Anyhoo, Brie, Nikki, and Mom go shopping to by intimate wear for Brie.
Back from commercial, Johnny Ace is buying Girl Scout cookies as everyone gathers at a restaurant. We learn the difference between a will and a living trust. John doesn’t want to be anyone’s power of attorney. Nikki and John leave and we get the clip that appeared on YouTube of them in the car. So, John doesn’t want Nikki to be his power of attorney and, unlike a normal human being, he won’t just say who it is. Yes, really. Most people just pick one of their parents, so most people don’t really consider that a secret. Of course, most people who go through all the effort of having a will or living trust are socio-economically middle class or above. The idea that this is a super relatable storyline to teenage girls or most wrestling fans (given the income stats of the demographic) is laughable. Anyway, Nikki wishes they were married, but this stuff hammers it home that she’s just a girlfriend. John is so bad at this boyfriend thing that he doesn’t quite gather that his equivocations on the matter aren’t coming across as cerebral, they’re just cold. Wow. That was, uhm, awkward. Commercial.
Back from commercial the Bella family is gathered together for happy hour. Mom and Johnny Ace talk about sex again. The adult aged children are weirded out again. So, there’s a party bus, and it has a stripper pole. Moving on, Brie is doing another maternity photo shoot. So, JJ & Lauren meet Brie, and she announces that she would like them to be Birdie’s god-parents. They feel honored. Of course, now Brie has to tell Nikki this exciting news… Commercial.
So, Nikki and JJ are discussing the living trust. Neither one of them seems mature enough to make these decisions. We meet a lady at a mortuary, and neither one of them seems mature or ready enough to make these decisions. Dear lord. Anyhoo, JJ spills the beans about Brie asking him and Lauren to be Birdie’s god parents. This goes as well as expected. Anyway, Nikki asks her Mom to be her power of attorney, John turned her down, and now her Mom is turning her down too. Wow, what a sh—y parent. No really, the Bella Mom sucks as a mom, and this particular sucky decision on her part kind of puts a button on it for me. If I asked either or my parents to be my power of attorney, either one would agree without so much as a second thought because apparently my parents are god damned adults – responsible adults at that. Anyway, commercial.
The Bella Mom equivocates that she plans to have her children outlive her. Yup, the Bella Mom sucks at parenting. Anyway, Johnny Ace talks about tap dancing. So, that Talking Smack segment where Bryan explains that if some man insulted Brie, he would punch that man in the face. Now onto John and Nikki, and John introduces all of us to the idea of a “body pod.” This is apparently being buried in a biodegradable pod under a tree. So, you know, a body pod is like that step between being buried in a casket and being dumped in an open grave… yeah, no one needed to think of an intermediate step, but it’s 50 minutes into the show if you wanna see a diagram. Oh, and to cap that off, they might put a plaque on the tree. Next up, Brie and Nikki in the car – the clip from YouTube – where Nikki thinks she should be the god parent instead of JJ & Lauren.
Evidently, Brie isn’t going to leave her child to a single parent. This isn’t directly said, but she harangues Nikki about not being married, which is apparently what disqualifies her from being a god parent. Anyway, next scene is JJ and Nikki in a pool. Nikki says that if there was a dictionary entry for “douchebag,” then JJ’s picture would be included. Indeed. I’ve been thinking that since the first time I saw him on TV. Anyway, they discuss Cena’s evolving feelings on marriage… because this was filmed before the WrestleMania angle. JJ does a cannonball in the pool. Nikki’s reaction: “God, I hate you so much,” and “You ruin everything.” Surely that’s not the first time he’s heard that.
Teasers for next time: the WrestleMania angle continues, the Bella’s get dolls (not action figures, these are for girls and strange men), yoga, and people dress up like Vikings.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 9/20 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Bryan scoffs at superficial excesses leading into baby shower, Cena makes Jim Caray face