I would like to point out that even though this show is taking place in the new Little Caesar’s Arena, it does not come with free crazy bread.
It’s Gable & Benjamin vs. Hype Bros on the Kickoff Show. We’ll get to the other plot points as we go along.
Graves calls Gable & Benjamin the “Minnesota Wrestling Crew”, which is a better team name than…no team name at all.
30,000 false finishes, and Gable pins Iced Z. Pretty good. Back to the panel, where the podcaster is the only guy who sounds excited about this show.
Let’s run down the card. Dolph Ziggler is “mean-spirited”? Well, I’m sold. I’m getting a year’s subscription!
New Day and Usos get the opener, so the two Hell In A Cell matches can bookend the main show. Good move. Unless they wind up having the best match on the show. But that won’t happen, right?
(I have two weeks of awful jokes saved up. You people are in for a heck of a show.)
Dillinger’s been added to the US Title match. I wonder who’s going to lose the fall?
I guess putting Shane McMahon in a main event was easier than getting actual wrestlers over.
You know, of all the McMahons, Shane is the fifth most frightening.
Enough of that, let’s start the main card.
New Day vs. Usos. Bring on that cell!
All three of the New Days are in the Cell. Is this a handicap match? What am I saying? Every New Day match is a handicap match.
I like that New Day is using musical instruments for weapons, but call me when they bust out the xylophone.
The New Day take their kendo sticks and make a bamboo prison for Jey Uso. John McCain is not impressed.
The Usos rally and catch Big E with the Boomday Device. (If you have to ask, get the Network already.)
The Usos brought handcuffs. Really, really crappy handcuffs. I guess they found a dollar store on the way to the arena.
“How can Kofi stand to watch this?” Listen, Kofi’s been in this company for years. He’s undoubtedly seen worse.
Xavier makes the save at the last second from offscreen. (We call that the “Kevin Dunn Special”.)
While I question the wisdom of doing a double splash onto a steel chair, it worked. The Usos are Smackdown Tag Champions.
WWE ’18. Be like no one. But be sure to get that downloadable Kurt Angle.
“AJ Styles, what do you think about your title match being turned into a Triple Threat?” “I worked for TNA for a decade. I’m used to it.”
Let us take you back to Tuesday, when Randy Orton completely ruined Rusev Day.
Randy Orton vs. Rusev. Tonight marks Randy Orton’s 143rd pay-per-view match without changing facial expressions.
The match starts with Rusev damaging Randy Orton’s core. (Don’t blame me. I didn’t write it.)
Rusev gets some offense, but Orton wins with an RKO Outta Nowhere. Does this mean we’re not getting a Rusev Day Parade?
After a visit from Colonel Sanders (don’t ask), it’s time for our US Title match. Now let’s meet our German announce team of Dieter Sprocket & Klaus The Monkey.
No good? Okay.
Now let’s say hello to our Zombie announce team of Wayne Dunlap & Shawn Greene.
Anyway, it’s time for our US Title match. AJ Styles vs. Baron Corbin vs. Tye Dillinger. The crowd, of course, chants for Corbin’s briefcase.
Believe it or not, a lot of this match is about giving Dillinger some credibility. Styles gets Dillinger in the calf crusher, but Baron pulls Tye out of the ring. THAT’s how you’re supposed to do that spot, kids.
Tye makes the save for Corbin. AJ hits the Phenomenal Phorearm on Tye, but Corbin tosses AJ out (eventually) and steals the pin. Baron Corbin is your new United States Champion.
The moral of the story? Daniel Bryan is really bad at this General Manager stuff.
WWE’s Board of Directors is squarely against breast cancer (with only one or two dissenting votes).
This past Tuesday, Charlotte Flair let everyone know that her father is still alive, and crazy as ever.
It’s Natalya Neidhart-Kidd vs. Charlotte Flair for the WWE Smackdown “Yes, We Still Have A Women’s Division” Title.
The video says Charlotte’s been out because of Ric’s health. Graves says Charlotte’s been on a book tour. To-May-To, to-mah-to.
Corey then tells us Natalya loves torturing the queen, which apparently isn’t a euphemism for anything.
Now, let’s watch Breezango bully those nice kids from The Ascension.
Jinder Mahal defends the WWE World Title against Nakamura. If this match cracks the fifteen minute mark, someone should be fired.
“People said Jinder’s title reign wouldn’t last.”. Actually, “people” thought it was a bad idea, executed poorly.
The penultimate match tonight is Bobby Roode vs. Dolph Ziggler, and boy do these fans not care.
“What’s better than glorious, Byron?” Drew McIntyre, apparently.
Roode wins with a handful of tights, and Ziggler lays him out. Okay, NOW we have some heat for Ziggler.
Time for the main event. Good luck, you two. Falls Count Anywhere Hell In A Cell. Shane didn’t bring his kids to the ring, so this is serious. Not too serious. They’re at ringside.
The bell rings, and OF COURSE they start the match outside the cell.
I can’t believe Jim Valley & I have to wait until 2032 to make fun of the fan in the Macho Man hat on PWTorch Wayback Playback.
In an upset, both wrestlers have made it inside the cell.
Owens beats up Shane and taunts his kids. As one does. Shane gets the knees up and blocks the senton. The crowd is waiting for Shane to jump from a high place. (Spoiler: It’ll be after the top of the hour.)
Shane misses a shooting star press, and I laugh, because I’m a bad person. (In fairness, I also laughed later, when McMahon applied the gogoplata.) Owens hits the frog splash.
Owens powerbombs Shane on the ring steps. The crowd is so concerned for Shane’s health they chant “We want tables!” Owens tries to senton Shane through a table, but Shane slides off at the last minute.
Van Terminator by Shane, but Owens gets his foot on the ropes. In a freaking no disqualification match.
Shane McMahon looks up, like he wants to jump off the Cell again. Come on, we’re ten minutes over already.
After finding the helpful bolt cutters, Shane opens the cell again. But wait! He has to move Owens to a spot where Shane can fall on him. Owens with a Greco-Roman donkey punch and a DDT on the ramp.
Owens get to beat up Shane at ringside. Then, with Shane set on the announce table, KO says “Screw this! *I* want to jump off the cell!”
“This is not going to end well”. Yeah, I’m with Graves. And Corey’s right, because Shane’s going up after Owens.
In twenty years, we’ve gone from “Somebody stop the damn match!” to “Somebody get those idiots off the Cell!”
Shane slams Owens on the roof, in what was almost a really horrible mistake. Shane suplexes Owens, and I start wondering what the time limit is for Cell matches.
I keep expecting Will Ferrell to show up and yell at both these guys to get off the damn shed.
Owens powerbombs Shane on the top, and now I’m convinced that roof isn’t going anywhere. Owens climbs down, with Shane in warm pursuit. Shane drops Owens off the midpoint of the cell wall through a table, a la Shawn Michaels. Thankfully, Kevin stuck the landing. The EMTs treat Owens like he’s dead.
Shane refuses to pin Owens. Why do that when you can put Owens on another crash pa…I mean, table, and jump on him again?
“Think about tomorrow!” I am. It’s nearly midnight here.
Shane jumps off the cell, Sami Zayn pulls Owens off the table, and Shane dies.
Sami pulls Owens on top of Shane’s corpse, and Owens wins. That’s about perfect.
WWE might have run a little over on time.
That’s the show, gang. Join me and Greg and our amazing friends on PWTorchLivecast.com, and call in at (515) 605-9345. VIP members will get their roundtable later.