TOTAL BELLAS, SEASON TWO – EPISODE 7
OCTOBER 4, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Resolving the cliffhanger from last week – Nikki needs to get her neck looked at – we’re dragged through a sequence of her fabulous career (shake your head if you actually watch wrestling and you’re not a teenage girl or a perv who hasn’t discovered internet porn).
So, despite the fact that there’s a clip on YouTube where Dr. Uribe tells Nikki to pack it in, it’s probably going to take 45 minutes into the episode to get to that. So, the Mom, Brie, and JJ are gathered at Brie’s kitchen table to discuss Nikki’s injury. Again, that YouTube clip — oh, and WrestleMania already happened, but yes, 45 more minutes of OMG, Nikki’s neck, and what will become of her spectacular career?
Lauren drops by to the Danielson’s kitchen table, so that we can discuss training the dogs for when the baby arrives. Oh, and then Nikki drops by so we can establish that she’s herniated the disc above where she had her surgery. So, cue the tears. Oh, and we get to relive Bryan’s retirement. Bryan then arrives to further cement this narrative. We get to hear about what John Cena said to Nikki via Nikki, which might be preferable — since he mumbles.
The sun sets and rises. Brie, JJ, Lauren, and the Mom are gathered at the Mom’s house. JJ establishes that he wants to renew his marriage vows. It’s one of the few non-douchey things he’s done on any of these shows. Now, Brie and Nikki in the car to spend more time discussing this injury. Nikki wants to discuss her ring gear. Brie doesn’t think she’s going to make it to Mania. Cut to commercial.
Brie and Bryan go to get an ultrasound to see how close Brie is to giving birth. As anyone with the internet knows: the baby is born after mania. Brie wants a natural birth. What’s that? Oh yeah, most women who’ve given birth just shook their heads and rolled their eyes and thought about how awesome an epidural is. I’m not one of them, but I have lady friends, I’ve never heard anyone say, “Damn, I regret the epidural.” The horror story is always: “We got to the hospital too late for the epidural.” But let’s do a montage of women saying ridiculous things that completely downplay the notion that the live birthrate for every civilized country improved once babies were born in hospitals. You’ve heard of infant mortality, yes? Yeah, me too. I’m sure we’re about to talk about Doulas eventually…
Now, onto Brie, Bryan, Mom, Johnny Ace, and JJ at a restaurant where the Mom tells them about an article about a dog mauling a baby. Nikki shows up so that we can continue to discuss her endlessly fascinating neck injury (despite that YouTube clip). Now, I can’t make this up, in order to make an analogy about Nikki performing at Mania, JJ tells the story of Kurt Schilling’s bloody sock. Half the people watching this show may know Kurt Schilling in passing as a rightwing dipshit who said some truly offensive things about the transgendered. It’s like an Ultimate Warrior moment. Anyway, no one bites, or if they did, it didn’t make it onto the show. Bryan goes through the diatribe of performers thinking they know better than doctors and how to protect themselves in the ring. After this spiel, we turn to the advice of Johnny Ace, who says sagely, “At the end of the day, if the Doctor says ‘no,’ then no is no.”
Then onto Nikki’s dressing room at John Cena’s mansion to look at the clothes she intends to wear for media row. So, Nikki and JJ are in the car on the way to Nikki’s doctor’s appointment. Nikki asks Brie if she’s shaved her vagina. Why? Why? Why? And I mean that like Nancy Kerrigan after what’s his face (who changed his name) whacked her in the knee. Nikki wears a WWE Nikki Bella hat for “good luck” at her meeting with Dr. Uribe. So, proceed with what you could have already seen on YouTube. Dr. Uribe doesn’t want her to wrestle any more.
Anyway, to resolve the Dr. Uribe segment, he clears her for one match with limitations. “What’s wrong with you? It’s like a drug,” Dr. Uribe says to her, before wishing her good luck. Transition? What transition? Mom and Johnny Ace arrive at Brie’s with things for dog discipline. The Mom wants them to hire a dog trainer. Thirty-two minutes into the show: bad sex jokes. Now, onto a restaurant. The family is gathered to discuss JJ’s vow renewal prep. No one believes that JJ has booked anything. Surprise, surprise, JJ acts like a jerk. JJ clearly isn’t putting much thought into this. Commercial.
Back from commercial: IT’S ANOTHER GATHERING AT A RESTAURANT. Everyone is there – even John Cena! Yes, precious John Cena is at the dinner. Anyway, Brie announces that they’re doing a home birth. What if you need an emergency C-section? (I have a cousin & sister who’ve both had them, so I watch this hipster dipshittery with much apprehension) Oh, they’ll get an ambulance. So, Mom asks: what if you hemorrhage? (My paternal grandmother did that, she has an immediate hysterectomy because the alternative option is basically to bleed to death… basically, child birth isn’t really something to f— around with using flowering concepts like organic, natural, or holistic).
Anyway, the Bellas also have a grandma who almost bled to death. Based on grandma, Brie hedges. So, evidently Brie felt comfortable with doing a medical procedure in either her own bathtub or a glorified kiddie pool until the adults introduced facts. Mom wants it done in a hospital. Everyone but Brie pretty much agrees. Oh, good, something marginally smart finally happened. Anyway, back to Nikki, her neck, her “glorious career,” and the notion that John Cena might propose to her at Mania, yes, there were people who placed bets on this.
Back from commercial, Brie is meeting with a doula. A doula is a half-assed version of a mid-wife. Evidently mid-wives have some actual certification. Or, Google can clear it up for you: a mid-wife is a healthcare provider, a doula is a coach. Jesus Christ on a cracker. Anyhoo, Brie has decided on a natural birth at a hospital. Yes, we’re still trapped in the hipster notion that modern medicine with it’s powers to curtail infant mortality is still alien or foreign or unpure or whatever the opposite of “natural” is. If you’re confused about my obsession, then I suggest googling “infant mortality rate” and looking for historical facts.
Anyway, onto Nikki and her Jimmy Choo shoes because she’s one of those ladies who obsesses over designer labels. Yes, everyone is getting gussied up for JJ & Lauren’s vow renewal. JJ arrives late, and seemingly under-dressed, with a party bus to take everyone to… a dive bar. There better be something spectacular on the other side of this commercial.
So, JJ changes at the dive bar, and brings everyone champagne. Everyone is then taken out to somewhere in the dessert. There’s a violinist. “I know at times we all think you’re a failure,” Nikki says to her brother. Laugh, just laugh with me. So, Bryan will be officiating the renewal of the vows. This is some 50 odd minutes into the show. JJ & Lauren then recite their own vows. Lauren cries. There’s an uncomfortable pause before JJ reads his. Cut to commercial.
On the other side of the commercial, JJ reads his gushy renewal vows. Nikki does a voiceover where she talks about whether or not John Cena will marry her. Yes, really. Anyway, 10 seconds of sunset at the scene and we move on to Nikki & JJ leaving John Cena’s house for WrestleMania.
Next week: WrestleMania finally happens, and Brie gives birth (and if you’ve visited the Bella twins YouTube channel, then you may know that there was an emergency C-section).
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 10/11 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: DNA tests to find out if Daniel Bryan is a Viking, Instagram follower pride, dolls, empowerment, Cena mumbles